Sharing advice on how to seek, manage, and maintain a relationship that includes CGL identities.
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#59217
I want to add, I don't think he was telling you the truth. The reason he gave seems like a cop-out. He wanted to cheat, he wanted something different, he wanted more, he wanted things perhaps you have no idea what they are. There were reasons behind all that acting up and out. Mental health, cheating, hidden desires, maybe addiction... whatever it was it was personal. I don't think he told you the truth about why things fell apart.

Addictions stem from depression. You stated you fell into depression. Within relationships partners often mirror each other. It's possible he was deep in a depressive state, maybe functioning depression, and hiding from reality by using you to be the go-between. He didn't want a caretaker, an equal relationship, he wanted an enabler. He needs help on some level you can't do. He needs professional help perhaps and to do the work on himself. This isn't your responsibility and moreover it's impossible for you to do for him. We all have our own journey to contend with. Depression is a spiritual issue, an emotional one, a solo experience one needs to go through. Sometimes when others try to help, all they do stave off the experience and make it drag out. People need to learn to pick themselves up sometimes. Think rock bottom. With addicts, sometimes that is the only way they pick themselves up.

Now, for the you aspect. Selfishness is needed here. You focused so much on him, caretaking him, you forgot about you. Fell into depression yourself. That is important. That is your needs screaming at you to be met. It's time to stop caretaking everyone else and caretake yourself. You are amazing at doing for a little, if you gave yourself a fraction of what you gave him, you would be so much better. Try focusing on you a day out of the week, only you. Or 3 hours a day each day devote to caretaking your needs. Remember you are in a mental health crisis too. You are depressed too. Try therapy, a new hobby, meditation, make a new friend, change your routine, sleep. Do something that benefits you and no one else.

I don't know if this needs to be said or if it's my place, but I think your relationship with him is over. Maybe it's time to grieve. Remember you did everything you could, but it wasn't enough because he needing to be giving to himself. It can't just be water down a well, a relationship is about an energy exchange. He should have been pouring all that love and care back into you as you did for him. The fact he couldn't means he needs to learn how to fill his own cup, be his own source. You know how to do that, you've been a source of love and devotion for him for 6 years now. Stop. See how fast your cup fills when it's just about you. Be selfish, take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.

I also want to reiterate what others said. You are an amazing Mommy for a little. Every little on this site would give their eye teeth for what you gave him. Don't let this break your trust in yourself. You know your own worth. Don't forget it.
#59335
I'm sorry things have been rough. I know I've been gone for 2 years. It's been a rough period for me as well, but that doesn't really matter now. If you need to talk, please message me. If you don't have my number still, Qu has it. Please know that you haven't done anything to deserve this and you deserve to be treated much better. Addiction or no addiction, choices are choices and when someone chooses to hurt someone they care about, there's no excuse for it. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
#59385
We hope you are doing okay and just wanted you to know that we all miss you and want you to keep strong. I know it seems hard and things will have to change for you in order to do what you need for your heart to mend. Just stay safe and remember to also take care of yourself in this time. There is nothing you could have done or will do to stop this. You are great the way you are it is not your flaw. Reach out if you need us (daddy and I )are here for you. Sending you lots love, hugs and hearts.
#59386
The whole community is showing up giving support here. It is heart warming seeing such concern and thoughtfulness. Please take all of these comments in and see your worth your value. And as said before this is definitely not your fault in any way, but I do agree it on one thing said. Ignoring your pain and depression and pushing harder trying to be a better mommy to try and get past that was not the answer. I am so sorry you have been fighting depression for so long. Take the time you need for yourself and heal, do what you need to do for you first so that you can make the best decision for your future. You deserve so much giving of yourself so selflessly for so long. I think everyone here can agree that you deserve nothing short of time and consideration through all of this. We all care about you, so slow down and focus on caring for yourself. The site and all of us will be here when you are feeling up to reaching back out.
#59397
Thank you for all of the comments and support. I appreciate what you’ve all had to say.

As for an update, a lot has transpired. My initial post was inaccurate, but only because I was lied to about what had been and was going on. At that point I had only seen the tip of the iceberg.

The brief overview is that the person here who said the addiction claim was a cop out or excuse was right. My husband (the “Twins” with the cow fursonas for anyone who knew them here) admitted that he only said that to distract me from what he had really been doing.

Somewhat of a side note: his pronouns changed from they/them to he/him.

Apparently, he had been seeking out “SFW online babysitters” since the beginnings of our relationship despite telling me he’d never do those things behind my back. He said he felt he’d ask too much of me by asking I entertain more outlandish or unrealistic RP scenarios between us so he felt he should have that met elsewhere. He did hold some boundaries, like reserving the title “Mommy” for me and not exchanging photos. Initially, he even told them how much he loved me and how much he wanted things to work out between us.

Then he met a person supposedly named Nicole that pushed him to call them Mommy and claimed they lived an AB dreamlife, where they were a Mommy (and partnered with a Daddy, her husband) who sought a full-time, 24/7 regressed, live-in, male-bodied adult baby. They supposedly lived very close to Disney World, was a park manager there with a lot of access perks including private tours, wanted to live as a CGL Disney family regularly leisurely strolling through the park, had intimacy on park rides, and even claimed to own stock and property in the park. They claimed they had wealth, owned a spacious home, owned multiple nice cars, were conventionally very attractive based on photos provided, and were only in their mid-late 20s. She stated the common community claim that she was infertile/sterile as the reason she was initially motivated to be a Mommy, which she long identified as. The short of it is that over 6-8 weeks of chatting my husband fell head over heels in love with the scenarios being spun to him. He fell deeply infatuated with this other person. While claiming he only wanted to support this person on their search for their dream adult baby, he broke all boundaries he had set for himself and planned to leave me.

The person flattered him, saying he was perfect and wished he’d move in as their AB, and he increasingly became more distant and hostile in our relationship. I knew he had become sour to me but I loved him very much and knew he had some traumas from the past he dealt with from time to time so I always chalked it up to that. It turns out that also wasn’t accurate either but that’s a side point.

Anyway, he was pouring his emotions into this other person. Then he was ghosted.

As a background, I suffered a huge, unexpected medical complication that nearly ended my life. It took me about 5 months just to heal the surgical wound so I was very unwell. He has now disclosed that he had hoped I’d have died then because he was so invested in and desperate for the person who had ghosted him. He didn’t want to be married so that he’d have no ties elsewhere. More recently, he told someone else he was chatting to that if the other person came back and texted him again he’d definitely leave me at that point with no hesitation, he just needed the other person to pop back on kik and say anything. It’s really haunting to be told by someone you love that they were hoping you’d actually die.

Anyway, he bought a subscription to an identity tracking service to try to find her. He tried very hard to cyberstalk her but, not surprisingly to me, it was like she didn’t even exist in reality as she had claimed. He began posting messages on chat groups for her too though. In our relationship he had told me about a work event he was considering attending but would have to go alone, and recently revealed he had considered flying to her general location to try to find her just to ask her to keep chatting (no, I don’t believe that either). The reality was there was not work event at all. He was definitely obsessed.

The ghosting set off a chain where the notion of an “SFW online babysitter” no longer was enough. He began a search for a Mommy and Daddy couple and wanted to focus on pleasure. He began exchanging NSFW photos. He brought out his old android phone, his old iPod, and spun up a virtual machine on his laptop to use as cheat devices. He started having brief phone calls while “at work” or walking the dog. He snuck off to the bathroom frequently, telling me he was having problems with uncomfortable constipation even throughout me giving him extra fiber and stool softener. He was sexting very heavily, entertaining extreme scenarios. He started offering and sending expensive ($150-$400) gifts to people who chatted with him. He’d get these people’s addresses and look up driving distances and routes to them. (Yes, horrifyingly to me, a few people are actually local to the homes we shared!) He began “dating”, nearly always disclosing his marital status but degrading everything about it as well as me. He told them how he’d pretend I was his Mommy but that we were not compatible. That he did not love me. He compared me negatively to others. He said he didn’t want a marriage, partnership, or romance and only wanted to be a sexually needy AB, fully regressed around the clock. He frequently claimed how much he loved these other people in the first couple of days chatting to them. He got “close” with someone and asked how soon he could relocate to her and her abusive boyfriend she frequently complained about if things didn’t work out in his marriage. He offered to “fully financially support” her. He invested very deeply in a bunch of chats with strangers and RP characters. Every “couple” he got “close” with ghosted him.

Any time he had a bad day online he’d take it out on me. When he had a good day then he had become very distant from me and often those days I’d say I was having a bad day. He spun me as a villain in his life story though, blaming all of his less-than-happy feelings on me and my presence in his life. He felt I held him back from achieving his true happiness of that 24/7 life with an overly physically intimate Mommy and Daddy couple who also felt magically compelled to sexually shower him with affection, attention, and luxury.

Majority of what I’m detailing happened in the past 6-8 months or so. Isn’t that crazy? Isn’t all of this just looney tunes?

So, I figure you’re wondering how I found out so many details. See, the very first night I found out he had been cheating he gave me his iPhone and told me to keep it, to go through it if I wanted. I didn’t want to do this but he insisted and I compromised that we’d go through the phone together since he was so insistent. We did the next day but he had hidden files and had used private browsers like DuckDuckGo that I didn’t even bother to check. His iPhone wasn’t his primary cheat device anyway so the reality was that he wasn’t very worried. Nonetheless, we went through it but he still insisted I keep the phone. I don’t know why other than the thought that he was burning himself out and wanted to finally be caught. He was spinning the addiction narrative really hard. I have a degree in psychology and considered pursuing a career in addiction counseling for a moment so I wanted to buy into his excuse.

A few days into all of this, we were sitting quietly together while he worked on his company laptop when he suddenly turned to me and said in an unusually cheerful tone that we should drive back to our other home in another state and rekindle our relationship there for the upcoming holidays. It didn’t feel right. I immediately thought he had something or someone at or near our home there. I lightly agreed and decided to myself that I needed a second look at the phone when he wasn’t around.

That night he went to walk the dog and I pulled out his phone. I immediately opened the Notes app. A note immediately opened and I read it. He described himself as a furry, which I had known, but with a completely different fursona that I hadn’t known about. His pronouns were listed as he/him, whereas I knew him as they/them for the entire time I knew him. The note ended with a link to a fursona profile. I popped it into a browser and saw he had bought hundreds (maybe over $1000) of dollars in art and had listed off a few other accounts as his partners, caregivers, and babysitters. He had bought intimate art featuring this new fursona with a few of these other people. I lost it.

He walked in before I could finish going through all of it and I immediately burst into tears and confronted him. He had built a whole second life! I told him the marriage couldn’t be salvaged at this point and that I deserved to know the truth. He decided to tell me more and explained he’d been using chat apps to do as he’d done. He confessed he had bought a brand new “cheat phone” during a medical situation I had and that it contained most of the offensive stuff. That device was in our other home and, yes, that’s really why he wanted to go back. Shamefully, I took his personal Razer laptop and threw it in the bathtub before running water over it. I regret my reaction.

Life is a little bit of a blur past this point. I know I left the house, taking my then-partner’s van, and intended on doing something bad. I sat in a parking lot at one point and reached out for help. I called down a list of folks I had casually chatted with and the first few didn’t respond. Someone from LittlespaceOnline said I could call and I did. I felt I just needed to exist with another person, if that makes any sense. I cried and came to a point that I felt I needed to hang up and deal with myself. I feel horrible that I probably destroyed such a kind person’s day, week, month, or whatever amount of time but all I can say is that I wasn’t well and wasn’t behaving normally. So, at the same time I’m grateful they gave me that and helped me make a different choice in that moment. To that person: again, thank you.

I drove back home and, like I said, a lot is blurry. The next couple of weeks are something I can’t really remember. I was given 4 pages of login information to see for myself everything that had happened. I know he intimately chatted/RP’d with at least 200 people in the past months. I figure somebody who chatted with him may see this and recognize him in a way and, if so, it’s a truly cruel thing to help or encourage cheating behaviors so it’s best not to reach out to me for having engaged with him. You’re not sorry, there is no remorse from you, I’ve seen the logs.

All of this stress triggered a couple of autoimmune disorder flare ups for me so along with the typical stages of grief I have some physical pain too. I’ve been mostly bedridden from pain for over a month. That’s been keeping me down a lot. Thankfully, I’m beginning to physically feel a little better and am able to get up and around better.

So, I’m just now getting to my messages. I’m sorry I don’t have much more to say right now. I figured I might as well post a public update. I’m alive though for those who became concerned.

I’m sorry I still won’t be around much, I just can’t really take being around people and the community right now. You are individually welcome to reach out to me if you’d like but I may be slow in response. I hope you all understand.

And…yeah, I think that’s it for now. I don’t know what else to say for now.
#59415
I'm sorry you have to suffer through all that you have been going through. Your reactions and desire to not be around people are perfectly understandable, and I'm glad you are starting to feel physically better. Please do not be afraid to reach out to someone you trust to talk about everything if you feel the need. Again, I'm sorry.
#59418
First of all please don't take us checking in as us being mad or upset you're not talking to us! We just want you to know you're in our thoughts, we care and we support you. (I feel comfortable assuming we're all in agreement on this one.)

But more importantly...holy crap. What an absolute piece of work this person is. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry. You did so much for him and this is how he treats you? I hope someday he realizes what he had and what he threw away. The entitlement is astounding, too. He really thinks someone will want him to be the focal point of their marriage, their entire lives, they're going to want to give and give to him and get nothing back because he's just so darn great?? What exactly is he bringing to the table?? He cheated on you and then tried to claim it was for your own good. He literally said he wished his wife would die so he could find a new relationship, like...what a prize he is.

As horrible as it is that this happened, I'm glad everything is out in the open now so you can move on and have a better life WITHOUT someone taking advantage of you like this. I'm sorry you wasted so much time, energy, money, etc on this person. I'm sorry you had to go through these health struggles on your own. I can't imagine how painful it is now, but eventually your life will be SO much better for his not being in it and he'll eventually just be a memory of some jerk who never deserved you. You're going to have such a good life. Like you deserve. I'd bet anything on it.
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