- 2 years ago
#56695
Freddy said: “I want to break free!”
I’m putting myself out there again… again. Before I was in a relationship, I’d do this a lot. On, off, on, off. Every time promising myself it’ll be better this time. “Just be open and friendly and things will happen naturally”, I’d tell myself. I’d re-invent myself in the hope I’d be more intriguing, I guess. I’d realise as soon as I set up a profile, I’d have nothing to say or any idea what I’m doing. I observe for a while to try get the vibe but I don’t want to just copy. I feel like a newbie amongst pros, yet this has been a part of me my whole life. I never know where I fit. I’m so shy I can’t talk. I can barely press the like button on a post without anxiety. I imagine people won’t care or respond to what I say, if I ever dared to say anything. If I do say something I worry its wrong or doesn’t flow with the vibe. In that state of mind, I’m almost bound to say something inappropriate or depressing. I worry that people will judge me if I talk about the things I like, especially in the AB world. If I get judged just by one person (and most of the time it’s me!), that’s it, its over, everyone hates me, I should leave, I don’t belong here. I’m the turd in this punchbowl and I’m ruining it for everyone else. So, to save myself and everybody else from my BS I’ll just say nothing at all, and get nothing but a build-up of frustration from that. I’ll read what others are talking about, and if it’s something I want like friends and a place in the community, that frustration turns to anger, extreme jealousy and sadness, all brewing together in a pressure cooker. I’m back where I was 2 years ago, before my relationship started and I was lost. Now my relationship has ended and I’m back to this… feeling lost and trying to find myself again. Before I met my (vanilla) partner I knew I needed to be in an AB relationship. I realise now more than ever that this is true. It just wont work. I won’t be content unless it’s an AB/CGL relationship. It’s so limiting. Add a sprinkle of that to the stew. Add a sprinkle of how my partner felt when she realised, when I told her, that I wouldn’t be content without this in my life and in goes a bit of sour guilt. Even if she had wanted to share the experience, there would have always been a “niggle”. A feeling that she’d only be doing it to make me happy. I’m proud that I never let this take hold of me, to the point I put my fantasy before her happiness and forced anything. On the other hand, I have put my happiness and this part of me before her. Alongside that niggling feeling there’d be my internal conflict to contend with. I don’t think we would have found the right balance. I am not balanced yet. I’m drawn to it like nothing else. A pull I describe as the extreme gravity from a black hole, and my conflict being the fear and desire of crossing its event horizon and never coming back. That pressure cooker was boiling in the background even if I didn’t know it. It burst and we both knew what had happened and what we needed to do.
But I know the feeling it’ll give me when I find my place in this community, those friends, or that special someone. I’ve had glimpses of it here and there. Enough to know it’s everything to me. That’s the dream. It’s a feeling like no other. Even if it caused me pain and sadness, all the way to breaking point, that feeling will be worth having gone through hell for, if I manage to get out of it in the end. I hope it’ll make me a better person. My dream is heaven, but through conflict I struggle toward it. Once I’ve found balance, I will have broken free!
I’m putting myself out there again… again. Before I was in a relationship, I’d do this a lot. On, off, on, off. Every time promising myself it’ll be better this time. “Just be open and friendly and things will happen naturally”, I’d tell myself. I’d re-invent myself in the hope I’d be more intriguing, I guess. I’d realise as soon as I set up a profile, I’d have nothing to say or any idea what I’m doing. I observe for a while to try get the vibe but I don’t want to just copy. I feel like a newbie amongst pros, yet this has been a part of me my whole life. I never know where I fit. I’m so shy I can’t talk. I can barely press the like button on a post without anxiety. I imagine people won’t care or respond to what I say, if I ever dared to say anything. If I do say something I worry its wrong or doesn’t flow with the vibe. In that state of mind, I’m almost bound to say something inappropriate or depressing. I worry that people will judge me if I talk about the things I like, especially in the AB world. If I get judged just by one person (and most of the time it’s me!), that’s it, its over, everyone hates me, I should leave, I don’t belong here. I’m the turd in this punchbowl and I’m ruining it for everyone else. So, to save myself and everybody else from my BS I’ll just say nothing at all, and get nothing but a build-up of frustration from that. I’ll read what others are talking about, and if it’s something I want like friends and a place in the community, that frustration turns to anger, extreme jealousy and sadness, all brewing together in a pressure cooker. I’m back where I was 2 years ago, before my relationship started and I was lost. Now my relationship has ended and I’m back to this… feeling lost and trying to find myself again. Before I met my (vanilla) partner I knew I needed to be in an AB relationship. I realise now more than ever that this is true. It just wont work. I won’t be content unless it’s an AB/CGL relationship. It’s so limiting. Add a sprinkle of that to the stew. Add a sprinkle of how my partner felt when she realised, when I told her, that I wouldn’t be content without this in my life and in goes a bit of sour guilt. Even if she had wanted to share the experience, there would have always been a “niggle”. A feeling that she’d only be doing it to make me happy. I’m proud that I never let this take hold of me, to the point I put my fantasy before her happiness and forced anything. On the other hand, I have put my happiness and this part of me before her. Alongside that niggling feeling there’d be my internal conflict to contend with. I don’t think we would have found the right balance. I am not balanced yet. I’m drawn to it like nothing else. A pull I describe as the extreme gravity from a black hole, and my conflict being the fear and desire of crossing its event horizon and never coming back. That pressure cooker was boiling in the background even if I didn’t know it. It burst and we both knew what had happened and what we needed to do.
But I know the feeling it’ll give me when I find my place in this community, those friends, or that special someone. I’ve had glimpses of it here and there. Enough to know it’s everything to me. That’s the dream. It’s a feeling like no other. Even if it caused me pain and sadness, all the way to breaking point, that feeling will be worth having gone through hell for, if I manage to get out of it in the end. I hope it’ll make me a better person. My dream is heaven, but through conflict I struggle toward it. Once I’ve found balance, I will have broken free!