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#56371
It's been a few months since my ex and I last spoke. I wouldn't call what we had a 'relationship' even though that's what it was labeled as. He would age regress and act out and cheat on me and lie to me and he'd say it was for attention or because I didn't do this or this. Talking to this person made me feel so drained, and so that sucked out all the joy from the relationship until it was nothing but arguments that went nowhere. We were horrible to eachother.

and I've had time to sort of heal from it now. I don't think i've completely moved on, cos part of me still cares about him. I care about anyone in general if i know theyre having a hard time tho. I've been told that it's not ok to have feelings for them for my own sake and that I need to move on. And I agree that. But it doesn't take over my life. I've been getting it back on track. And it's only when I'm too tired to distract myself with other things that I sometimes think about him.

I've realised that I didn't know how to handle situations appropriately and he needed a caregiver and I just didn't know how to be one. So i feel really guilty. And I was too exhausted from things in my personal life to process the information to learn.

He's poor and lives with his poor (financially) mother, who is abusive and toxic and was neglectful to him throughout his entire life. He's only young (By that I don't mean underage) and not really in a place to get his own property or something.

I on the other hand could afford to help him out, and I'd love to. I realise that I have no obligation to give him anything, but I would feel guilty if I didn't. I know he'd be over the moon for even basic things like a winter coat. There's so much that he doesn't have. The thing is, It was suggested to me that I shouldn't because it would be very expensive, and I'd spoiling him and that it would 'reward' him for his bad behaviour, that he doesn't deserve it after everything he did and said to me.

I don't expect to be told what I want to hear. I know I want to give him things but everyone has been giving me their different opinion. I'm torn. Am I in the wrong because I honestly don't see the harm? It might put them in a better place mentally to finally have something nice?
#56372
It's not ur fault he cheated that has nothing to do with being a little. That's naughty. And just bc you love and care for someone doesn't mean u r in love or should be together. As for the other part its summer why does he need a coat right now?
#56374
“My former partner neglected my needs, emotionally manipulated me, and abused my generosity. Should I financially provide for them even though I’m not required, encouraged, or expected to?”

Uh… :shook:

It sounds so much like you’ve been gaslit into believing you were “bad” in a relationship where another adult abused you. It doesn’t matter how young of an adult he is or how bad of a home life he’s had. It doesn’t matter if he feels or acts like a child sometimes. Abuse is abuse, and being abused is not your fault. He didn’t abuse you because you weren’t “good enough”. That isn’t why people abuse other people.

You don’t owe him the things he claims to not have. He is an adult and very capable of providing for himself or reaching out to the proper means for low-income assistant. If anything, point him in the right direction for financial assistance and welfare in his area and then move on, save what sanity you have left, and try to heal from this toxic situation. Block him and tend to yourself!

At the end of the day it’s your money. You do what you want with it. Just know that extending resources to a dead relationship that was unfulfilling at best means you’re potentially taking resources away from a future relationship. This is your own choice to make though, and you can set limits or boundaries if you choose.

It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of fibbing going on though, and financially providing for this person may encourage manipulation. Be very cautious.

Best of luck.
#56376
Wondering wrote: 1 month ago It's not ur fault he cheated that has nothing to do with being a little. That's naughty. And just bc you love and care for someone doesn't mean u r in love or should be together. As for the other part its summer why does he need a coat right now?
Yes, I agree. And I wouldn't say that I'm in love, or that I want us to be together. A winter coat isn't something that he needs right now, it was just an example. So far, to get him through winters he's had one thin coat.
#56377
admin wrote: 1 month ago “My former partner neglected my needs, emotionally manipulated me, and abused my generosity. Should I financially provide for them even though I’m not required, encouraged, or expected to?”

Uh… :shook:

It sounds so much like you’ve been gaslit into believing you were “bad” in a relationship where another adult abused you. It doesn’t matter how young of an adult he is or how bad of a home life he’s had. It doesn’t matter if he feels or acts like a child sometimes. Abuse is abuse, and being abused is not your fault. He didn’t abuse you because you weren’t “good enough”. That isn’t why people abuse other people.

You don’t owe him the things he claims to not have. He is an adult and very capable of providing for himself or reaching out to the proper means for low-income assistant. If anything, point him in the right direction for financial assistance and welfare in his area and then move on, save what sanity you have left, and try to heal from this toxic situation. Block him and tend to yourself!

At the end of the day it’s your money. You do what you want with it. Just know that extending resources to a dead relationship that was unfulfilling at best means you’re potentially taking resources away from a future relationship. This is your own choice to make though, and you can set limits or boundaries if you choose.

It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of fibbing going on though, and financially providing for this person may encourage manipulation. Be very cautious.

Best of luck.
I do blame myself, because knowing this I, at the time, continued the relationship where I was being abused and not knowing how to behave in order to stop the abuse (for clarification we aren't together and still haven't spoken in months) and there must have been some way to act that meant they didn't abuse me. Considering this, is it still all on them and not at all my fault?

When we were talking we spoke about financial services, and he currenty works. He doesn't earn much and is expected to contibute his money to the household, but doesn't earn enough to rent or something as well as pay for food etc. He's never got much left over.

I thought it might encourage him to be a better person if he gets on the right track in life and I assumed that buying him what he needs when I could afford to is the right thing to do. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I didn't help someone into a better situation when I could've regardless of what they did or said to me. If that makes sense

There are definitely things I should spend my money on instead, so I've agreed to cover those things first and only use money that I could afford to lose.
#56378
swainssnuggy wrote: 1 month ago I do blame myself, because knowing this I, at the time, continued the relationship where I was being abused and not knowing how to behave in order to stop the abuse (for clarification we aren't together and still haven't spoken in months) and there must have been some way to act that meant they didn't abuse me. Considering this, is it still all on them and not at all my fault?
It is not your fault that you were abused, stayed in an abusive relationship, or that you didn’t know how to stop the abuse. Abusers are manipulators. Abusers are users, and will use up the goodwill of their victims to further convince them that the abuse is the victim’s fault or that it was deserved. A victim who has been scared or threatened, whether that been physically or psychologically, is not the victim’s fault.

It also has nothing to do with being a Caregiver, whether good or bad. A “good” Caregiver isn’t exempt or immune from becoming abused. A “bad” Caregiver still yet doesn’t deserve to be abused, manipulated, lied to, used, or treated poorly. Being in an abusive situation is no reflection on your ability or quality of caregiving. You don’t “owe” your abuser, even if you feel you could’ve been a better partner. You didn’t cause that person to behave disrespectfully toward you.

You were, and still are as it would seem, the victim. Just by your previous posts and group chats I know that you’ve been used and abused by this person. Guilted. Pressured. Blamed. Emotionally shoved around. Neglected.

I wholeheartedly believe that some of the things he told you that he did were outright lies in effort to place guilt on you.

Again, it sounds like you’ve been gaslit into practically serving your abuser and believing he deserves it because he existed in your life at some point.

The relationship didn’t fail because you did or didn’t do something to better it. It failed because he was never truly invested in it. It failed because he chose to abuse the emotional position he had gained with you. It failed because he is selfish and didn’t consider meeting your needs, desires, or happiness. It failed because he didn’t want to be a partner and work as a team together. It failed because he didn’t want to prioritize you or the relationship. It failed because he didn’t treat you fairly. It failed because he used you and manipulated you until he always greedily got what he wanted, even at your distress or expense. Once you use something up, what do you do with it? You toss it aside.

All I can say now is that it appears you’d seriously benefit from therapy. It’s my personal opinion that you’re not well from this yet. I think you should work with a licensed therapist to better understand what you should be doing and how to better protect your heart in the future. Please, reach out to get some help. You deserve to feel better about this terrible experience, and you deserve to feel better about yourself. Please invest in yourself first.

You can, and perhaps should, check with a licensed therapist and a financial advisor about extending your finances and resources to this person. I have a strong feeling both will advise you that it’s a bad idea (both financially and psychologically) to do so. They’re the experts though and can advise you as to what’s truly best.

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