- 3 years ago
#55779
Trigger warning: physically intimate abuse, trauma
Hi all, I’m kind of in a bit of a pickle and I’m hoping for some advice. So, some backstory - I have a physically intimate and physical abuse history and struggle when my partner displays any signs of anger prior to a physically intimate encounter. It can be a bit of a trauma trigger for me and I dissociate or shut down. This is something my Daddy knows about me, we have had many discussions about this and the dangers it poses with safe words since if I’m in that scenario, I’ll mentally check out and won’t safeword. He’s usually able to read me pretty well but it’s something he’s expressed worry about and I know would feel guilt over triggering.
We have a free use clause in our dynamic because his last partner damaged his confidence by turning down physically intimate advances a lot. We live together and so he can imitate sex whenever and unless I choose to use a safe word, I obey.
Recently he spent most of the day busy gaming and I was admittedly anxious over something else so wasn’t paying attention to him when he came to sit with me and that seemed to really aggravate him which I didn’t realize until he was pretty aggressive and seemingly angry. He then yelled at me while roughly touching me (in an attempt at foreplay which was instead painful) which caused me to panic and mentally check out. It was the roughest encounter we’ve ever had and by the time he tried to actually enter me I wasn’t at all wet and he just moved forward anyways. The end result was a lot of soreness everywhere and actual tearing which bled and was very uncomfortable afterwards once it was over and I came back mentally and felt everything.
Afterwards he wanted to cuddle and I was able to stomach that for about 10 minutes before I made up an excuse to go somewhere else and get some space. I still haven’t talked to him about it but he can tell something is off with me and I don’t know how to discuss it with him. It’s freaking me out to bring up because I should have used my safeword but I didn’t and I don’t know if it’s something I can move past in my head with him. It’s not his fault but I don’t know what to do now I guess.
Ugh, sorry - this is kind of a messy post. Any advice, or kind words would be super appreciated
Hi all, I’m kind of in a bit of a pickle and I’m hoping for some advice. So, some backstory - I have a physically intimate and physical abuse history and struggle when my partner displays any signs of anger prior to a physically intimate encounter. It can be a bit of a trauma trigger for me and I dissociate or shut down. This is something my Daddy knows about me, we have had many discussions about this and the dangers it poses with safe words since if I’m in that scenario, I’ll mentally check out and won’t safeword. He’s usually able to read me pretty well but it’s something he’s expressed worry about and I know would feel guilt over triggering.
We have a free use clause in our dynamic because his last partner damaged his confidence by turning down physically intimate advances a lot. We live together and so he can imitate sex whenever and unless I choose to use a safe word, I obey.
Recently he spent most of the day busy gaming and I was admittedly anxious over something else so wasn’t paying attention to him when he came to sit with me and that seemed to really aggravate him which I didn’t realize until he was pretty aggressive and seemingly angry. He then yelled at me while roughly touching me (in an attempt at foreplay which was instead painful) which caused me to panic and mentally check out. It was the roughest encounter we’ve ever had and by the time he tried to actually enter me I wasn’t at all wet and he just moved forward anyways. The end result was a lot of soreness everywhere and actual tearing which bled and was very uncomfortable afterwards once it was over and I came back mentally and felt everything.
Afterwards he wanted to cuddle and I was able to stomach that for about 10 minutes before I made up an excuse to go somewhere else and get some space. I still haven’t talked to him about it but he can tell something is off with me and I don’t know how to discuss it with him. It’s freaking me out to bring up because I should have used my safeword but I didn’t and I don’t know if it’s something I can move past in my head with him. It’s not his fault but I don’t know what to do now I guess.
Ugh, sorry - this is kind of a messy post. Any advice, or kind words would be super appreciated