[pastelprincess16]

So... here's my story.

I'm 27, and I feel like I grew up too fast. When I was in high school I was an academic, a band geek, an overall geek, an outcast. My idea of fun was practicing my saxophone and going to marching band. I worked myself to the point of burnout. I never partied, I never got in trouble, I never partied or did anything I wasn't supposed to, I was never popular, I never had many friends. At the time, I rejected things like anime for being too silly and juvenile. I held myself to too high of a standard. The same thing happened in college, except instead of music it was journalism, my time writing for the university newspaper.

Now I deeply regret all the fun I didn't have. I feel overwhelmed by adult life and my hard focus on my career. I have anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia that make me feel like I'm buried in stress and missing out on so much. I started a new Instagram for myself and have encountered DDLG/littlespace folks and realized that it resonated with me, but not in an exact way. I don't want to be a baby or toddler or little kid... I want to be 16 again. Anything between like 14 to 17 or so is appealing to me. I want to be bratty and beautiful. I want to wear cute clothes that teens are wearing now - I'm into softgirl and pastel goth and kawaii stuff. I want to party, be a little wild, go to EDM festivals in tiny outfits. I like coloring, all the anime I dismissed as a teen (currently on an Avatar: The Last Airbender kick) and everything cute and sparkly. And I have this 3ft orca whale plush I haven't stopped cuddling with since I was 11.

I have a boyfriend and we have a great and satisfying relationship and I don't think I want him to be a caregiver, though I haven't really explored this. My parents stifled the real me and contributed to my depression, so I resent the idea of having parents. I more want my boyfriend to be the boy I sneak off with at 15 that my parents don't want me to see. I want to be a bad girl. Although, at the same time, I like being cared for. Anything he does to take care of me as a girlfriend, whether it be buying me dinner or comforting me is something that brings me a lot of joy because I didn't feel lovingly cared for as a teenager.

Is middlespace me? If so... any tips for a newbie?

[LittleDilly]

Hi! I don’t know about tips but you mentioned music and saxophone. Do you still play? I play guitar and occasionally keys.

[pastelprincess16]

No... I was going to study music in college but when I decided to switch to public relations my dad decided he'd sell my instruments without asking me sooo...

[Motherly]

If I had to say based on such limited information about who you are, I'd not necessarily say you sound like a typical "middle" (middlespace) but more like what we'd refer to as an "adult teen" (ateenspace). That being said though, It's really very difficult to ask people to identify something so deeply personal to you, and this is more of a personal discovery and exploration that you are going to have to carry out if you want to apply a label to your atypical personality and interest groups.

The best tip I can offer is that as you explore yourself you should absolutely trust your own feelings on this and don’t over-analyze yourself looking to be an exact replica of a biological child or teenager. You know yourself much more than you realize! You don't need other people, especially strangers, to figure you out—only you truly know who you are inside and what you feel inside. Don't pressure yourself to become "more" of something just because it feels like you should to be able to match some examples or what you believe to be is more "authentic".

Take your time to educate and explore yourself. Spend time in communities, casually chatting and posting with others. Read posts and resources available. Give deep thought about yourself. Make lists if you need to, and revisit resources periodically to refresh yourself and self-reflect. Focus on you and determining if what you’re learning sounds like it applies to who you are on the inside. Accept your own answers and embrace yourself.

Read through our resources to learn more.

Enjoy your self discovery!