It sounds like you have a lot of issues that you need to work through to figure out if you are truly Asexual or if you are avoiding sex because it’s traumatic and shameful.
I thought I was Asexual for a while, turns out I just needed a deep, trusting connection to feel safe and open myself up which apparently makes me a demisexual.
I’m also a non physically intimate little too
I hope you get the help you need to heal from your past and find the person you are both little and grown.