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Hi, new here, haven't done an intro yet as I'm still not sure what I am or if I am or anything. What I do know is that when I read the teen description of a little I started crying... Part of me got really stuck at 14-15... due to trauma. I always thought I was just weird. I've had to be an adult most of my life, but it's been hard and the teen me shines through often. My history is complicated. And if I'm info dumping and this isn't the appropriate place for this please delete and I apologize.

I'm Trans, I have Inattentive ADHD. And when I was little I was extremely dysphoric. I remember being obsessed with diapers as a teenager I think (sorry my memory is fractured, and with ADHD I'm time blind to boot), I've only ever told one therapist about this once, my current one. I've been so ashamed of that obsession, and the best explanation for it I could come with was an extreme desire to start over and be the gender I am... The diaper obsession more or less resolved after I transitioned and got to be my true self in my early 20s. I always thought I was a horrible person for it, granted I also thought I was horrible for being trans as that's what my parents and society taught me, but there was a special shame around my diaper obsession at that time. I didn't even know others might have had similar experiences and that I wasn't alone in this until one of my favorite authors was outted for being a little and discussed it with her readers. A few years later I finally had the courage to look for info online, hence how I ended up here.

As I said earlier, I feel for the most part stuck in the 14-15 range, mostly I think because that was when I came out to my parents in desperation for help and it did not go well and verbal emotional abuse started in earnest about then and my body was changing in horrible icky ways and I couldn't get it to stop. It was weird. I have a sister a year physically younger than me, but during that time she went from being my younger sister to my older sister because she seemed to keep growing and developing as a person, and I couldn't because I couldn't be me.

My interests haven't really changed all that much, and I always feel like I have to force myself to be an adult. Sometime's with my girlfriend I find my facade breaking and our dynamic turn into something vaguely resembling mother daughter, but I always feel so guilty about it so after it happens I try extra hard not to do that to her again. I didn't even understand that some people regress to teenagers until today. I just assumed it was one more thing wrong with me. And I've felt a lot of shame around it. Despite all this I had to learn to do adult things from a very young age, because no one would help me, and once my parents new about me they hated me. But it's always been that way in terms of being an adult, I don't feel like it most of the time, but I'm doing the things that are required of me as an adult most of the time.

Also, I know when I get scared, particularly if I'm really scared I regress to 5 or 6 I think? I can remember vividly being in an outpatient psychiatric safe house, and going to bed one night and finding two other residents having sex in my bed, and immediately leaving and curling up on the couch in the communal area and one of the staff eventually finding me and asking why I was out there so late, and when I told them they yelled at me for not telling them sooner, but I was so little at that point I didn't know what to do, but that I didn't feel safe in that room anymore and ran and hid in the couch.... Doesn't make sense but it's what I did.

So yeah, maybe I'm a teen that regresses sometimes to much younger. I dunno, but I thought I'd ask here if any of this makes sense. At some point I need to discuss this with my therapist, but there are other parts of me that are hurting so much that they need more attention right now. I'm sorry, I'm just confused, scared, and at the same time hopeful that maybe I'm not completely abnormal after reading some of the articles on here.

Anyway if you read this far thank you for listening, and I don't know if any of this makes sense, the idea is so new to me and yet not. Anyway thank you.

Well first off welcome to the community, I hope your time here is rewarding in your journey of better understanding yourself! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I think there's three very important things to remember. First, don't ever be ashamed of who you are. This is a safe community to better understand yourself, and connect with people who will do their best to understand. Having your inner child being a little more prominent than most is part of this, this is a journey of self discovery and finding your real inner self and becoming more and more comfortable with who you are, and how you fit into this world.

Secondly, don't worry too much on specific labels, everyone is different and focusing on putting yourself in a specific box may end up neglecting other parts of you, wether you're a little, liddle, or middle, ect. What matters is you're discovering and embracing who you are, that's what its all about.

I think it's a good idea to bring up your trauma to your therapist when you feel the time is right for them, along with everything else you need, your healing should be your top priority. But I certainly think it makes sense.

Thirdly, you are not alone. And If you need someone to talk to this community is here, and I'm always happy to listen.
That sounds like a very tough place to be in. Maybe it will be nice to know that you are not alone in this situation, since I am at a similar point in my life, though the path leading me here was very different from yours.
As egocentric as it might sound: I am happy to see you here and feel glad that you had the strength to open up about your situation so quickly. You didn't info/thrauma dump at all, don't worry and I find it beautiful that despite all odds, you managed to transition and start working through things. You can truely be proud of yourself for achieving what you achieved so far. :-)

Hit me up with a dm if you ever want to talk or something. I'd love to learn more about you and maybe even give you a bit of support.
Thank you both. I'm still confused. But because of your replies I had the courage to talk about this with my therapist today... feel like I'm in a whirlwind... wasn't expecting myself to be this open or do any of this so soon... But I did it. Unfortunately, she wasn't aware of little spaces or being little, but she specializes in IFS (Internal Family Systems, not to be confused with multiple personalities which is something different.) and thus parts work so when I explained what I know, she said it made perfect sense and was actually happy that places like this exist and that I had found it. Unfortunately, I also made her cry today when I talked about one of the things that happened to me. Am I bad for feeling reassured by her tears? I often doubt that what I went through was that bad, but if talking about it with her brings that out sometimes (this is only the second time she's cried at something I've said in the past several years I have worked with her.) then maybe what I went through really was that bad and its ok for it to hurt me as much as it does, and maybe maybe I didn't deserve what happened. Though that's a hard one to consider because then why? I haven't told her when we get into those details I regress fully to that time or else a lot younger sometimes. Maybe I'll talk about it at some point, but still really scared about revealing any of this, scared that people I love will go away and not want me if they ever learn all these other truths about me.

Anyway, thank you. I'll do a proper introduction when I can and feel up to it. :pheart: :pinkh: :bheart:
Hello there! Glad to hear that you found it in you to talk to your therapist and got her reassurence.

Don't feel bad about her reaction and the thaughts it causes within you, because they are a sign that her/other peoples feelings about this reach you. A sign that you haven't given up on yourself, even though it might have a bad look at the surface. You being worried about those thoughts also shows another positive thing: It shows that you care about others, which is also a wonderful trait to have.

I get where you are coming from in relation to talking down to yourself when it comes to your past. Many can relate to that, because us people with troubled pasts tend to internalize the thought that these things are normal/caused by us being wrong, because the "world" as far as we got to know it growing up can't be in the wrong.

Problem is (and i see that with over-correcting people in basicly reverse-denial) that our own perception is very limited, because that is just how the human brain is. No matter how big the world around us seems, it is mearly a speck of dust in reality. What we experience is very important and heavy to deal with in our own lives, but what we experience as the world (especially during childhood) is NOT as big as we think. What can feel sometimes like 10000s of people hating on us are propably "just" 1, or 2, even though their impact feels different.

What I want to say with my thought-spaghetti: The idea of you being wrong for the world is flawed, because it is based on the limited perception of one individual. The world isn't wrong about you and you are not wrong for the world. It is just those few people that hurt you and dugg deep into your heart that amke you feel this way. It was not your fault that these people were assholes towards you. A small amount of people within a whole world willing to like and even love you for who you are.

Nothing you say, feel, think or do makes you less valuable. Nothing.
I don't think for a moment you're bad for being reassured by her tears, I think you feel vindicated, like you are right to feel hurt by this and be affected by it even now. I'm not an expert but if something hurts you that much it's that bad, and if bringing it up to your therapist helps you heal you definitely should, provided you feel ready to do so.

It's important to remember that littlespace is used as a coping mechanism to help deal with stress frequently, but bottling stress and trauma up is not healthy and will do serious damage in the long term.

I don't want to push you or anything, take everything at your own pace, but I think it would be healthy to address it with your doctor.
I love Mr. Sagan. I wish he were still here. I use a video of that Cosmos clip to ground myself sometimes. Doesn't always work as sometimes it makes me sadder. For me, even more humbling than the image of the pale blue dot was the first image that came back from JWST. The universe is huge... actually I don't think we have any words for how huge it is. But I use that image to ground myself too. For some reason its reassuring to know just how unimportant we are to the universe. I don't think we're even ants... a virus maybe.

I miss my mom and dad so much. The ones I knew before they started hating me. I miss the sense of love. I miss feeling safe, I miss belonging.
There was an even here where we all dress up gothy and go to the park and fly kites. It was a lot of fun. It's one of my favorites, though I wish I could make friends, but I'm too shy and most people wouldn't see the me that i've been since I got stuck. I hate having to be an adult. I'm so tired of it. I wish so much that I could have been a teenager instead of being forced to try and survive to the next day, to try and find a way to get myself the help I needed. I wish I could have developed the normal way. That my younger sister didn't turn into my older sister. I miss my sister too... I wish I could have grown up, not been this fractured mess stuck in time.
sorry, despite how nice the event was, being around a bunch of people makes me feel lonely and despite the fun its also scary too. I don't trust myself or my perceptions of whose safe anymore. Not really since my family turned on me. I thought for sure that they loved me and wanted me to be happy.
My walls are up all the time, they aren't as thick as they were before the start of this mental breakdown in October, but they're still there. It's hard to let myself be me even when I'm alone. Cuddling Mr. Hajee my stuffed Blåj haj helps a little. I play video games, but mostly to distract myself, not to just have fun like I once did. I would like to draw I think, but my mind takes me to not so nice places too easily still even when I'm drawing. Playing the violin has been nice. I restarted playing that a few months ago, hadn't played in many years. Orchestra was one of my safe places at school, actually it was my only safe place in general now that I think about it. I think I need to play more. I'll keep trying to think of things to do that will let me be me but also not let my mind wander to the dark places. Thank you both I really appreciate your encouragement. At some point I'll figure out the dynamics of this website and maybe then I can DM you ModestGurl if you'd still like me to. And yeah Lunalilac I do feel vindicated, validated when that happened. I am working on my trauma, its just been slow, its only in the last couple of months that I've been able to access that really young part of me and allow that part to express what she/I have been feeling and went through, even though I've been working with my therapist since the second year of the pandemic. My protector parts are really strong :/

Anyways thank you both. I'm going to go read and go to bed. I hope you both are doing ok too. Sorry I've been focused on me and haven't asked you too very much.
No problem. You may write me any time you like. I also added my a chat site, since we seem to not have user rights to writing DMs, which weirds me out a little bit, tbh.

Yeah, I can kind of relate to what you are describing. The world can be extremely exhausting if luck is not on your side.

As for myself: My new medication does its job. Though I have my own pile of bs to climb. In fact, I'm going to have my second stay at my local mental hospital in a few months. I'm currently not hammering my head against any walls or so, so "doing okay" describes it pretty well. I guess.

Hope y'all are having a good night. <3
Hi Blueberrysugarr, welcome. As you know I'm trying to figure things out. Such as how to use this site. I was trying to chat but it doesn't seem to be working or I'm not authorized. I don't understand. If anybody does understand how to send a private chat message please let me know. Thank you. And Blue I hope you find what you need here :)
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