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#59046
To start sorry if this is hard to read or anything.

I used to think that I was a "broken Little" this was back when I was 16 and had found out about ddlg through a new group of friends. I didn't know what to really search about then, and everything that would come up seemed like a fix-all pipe dream that I could never achieve, It would be all pretty pink and pastels, small girls with these magical daddies. I would cry a lot back then and felt like I was the wrong skin color and height based on the things I saw or read and even the preferences of some people I talked to. I was in basically every community before I just decided to not be in one, but it was years before I found other people who are also not in communities or had a similar experience as me in some terms. I remember even being against caregivers/doms because it seemed like they were only in it for control, power, and sex and didn't care about all the other parts these types of relationships typically or can require.

At one point being little was an aesthetic that I didn't fit or belong to and id just grown to hate this part of myself and think that my life was better before i knew about it, in some instances i still think that's some level of truth. I am older now however and found the right places to do research and understand my own littles more and the best ways to be myself in this state.

I however recently learned that I have no appreciation for things, to put this, I have an appreciation for other people and the things i receive from them to an extent but I'm so busy focusing on things that i have yet to achieve: always thinking about the future to a point that i forget about the present but not in a serious way (and if i can't see the outcome i become agitated and frustrated ): recently I have discovered that this action and response is due to trauma. I used to force myself to try and fit the stereotypical little (which is not a bad thing, being a stereotypical little) to the point that i was making myself mentally and emotionally unable and in a kind of dream state, Forcing myself to be a little completely under to female gender even though it caused me so much dislike of myself (for reference I am non-binary and have never related to my binary gender), even forcing myself to like coloring (I have an odd relationship with it) to the point of serious mental exhaustion.

I even play the perfect little role in cases while attempting to think of what actually children or babies would do (I don’t know why this is something I tend to think of because I never actually change my actions of try to coping those actions to that of a Childs or baby but it's something that crosses my mind, this, however, could be tied into other things where I typically am just studying or observing actions but not in a way to copy them?) it's not, however, a role I play often and I believe even less to never lately however im uncertain.

Im just curious if other people have similar or any experiences, not really looking for a fix or advice but if you feel it's necessary you're free to comment.
#59067
I often worry I'm not okay to be little with say a Daddy or another form of CG. It goes back to my weight and how I've had poor self-esteem my whole life. That self-consciousness has colored the way I live. It's made me reticent, retiring, shy, and apologizing for even existing. Even when I build myself into who I am now, I haven't addressed it. So yes, I daydream about being a tiny, petite little a lot. I wish I could have a magic button to make myself exactly what I want to be, so someone would love me.

But love really shouldn't be incumbent on physical appearance or aesthetic solely. That's very shallow. It's shallow to refer to oneself like that and insulting to think someone else would be that shallow. If you find people who are that shallow maybe they aren't for you. I have spent years denying my little self for various reasons, but always came back to it, because no matter what it still exists inside me. It's the inner child. We all have one, those into this lifestyle or not. In the end it's not about the paraphernalia that one gets into to express it, it's a piece of who we are on the inside. The most vulnerable, innocent, pure state we channel to highlight who we know we can be. To get out of adult headspace and all the stuff that gets put on us as we grow up, to rewrite ourselves. It's not about the other person - even when within a dynamic - it's about us. Littles. The self that is ours more than anything else. It can look like however you want it to look. Mine is gothic and spooky and victorian often. Old fashioned. The stuff a child engages in is different across cultures and times... you can have your ageplay any way you want it to be. It's for you. It's not for other people. It's not a fashion - or perhaps not JUST a fashion/aesthetic. It's a journey into your soul, and bringing that true self out so it can be expressed. If you are a carbon copy of everyone you can't teach others who YOU are.

I am Gothic - I speak about this often so bear with the analogy - because it is the singular way I can be surrounded by myself at all times. I see myself in each thing I pick out, wear, music and movies and tv I like, decorate my house, the way I think, believe, speak, exude. I love the Gothic aesthetic not because it's "so pretty" but because I feel like I brought myself out from inside deep down and into my body and my reality, my lifestyle, my everyday expression. It's like getting every minute of the day to see the beauty in the darkness that I know exists in it's purest form deep inside me. So I adore this part of me the most, and that is why I express it outward. Hence, Gothic. I view ageplay much the same way, only it's a child and it needs to be protected so we let it out in safe places. That is what it is in the end. Giving yourself permission to be you, and letting yourself be you where it won't get crushed again. Because we come to this lifestyle with wounds. Wounds that tell us we can't be small, sweet, pretty, innocent, childlike, full of belief in magick and wonder. We can't trust others, submit, and be taken care of and loved. We are going to get hurt. All those stupid beliefs life teaches us until we are suddenly an adult, cynical and bitter and sad. And that isn't how it has to be. We can hold on to the child inside, and let it teach us far into our adult lives. We can still believe in magic, love, goodness, and people. It's okay to be a child who just knows everything is going to be okay. The little inside knows that and always will. Let the adult learn that too.
#59093
Thank you for the response.
I just want to clarify that most of my post was written based on old ideals that I no longer or have never precisely held. The fashion and aesthetic aspects were based on the popularization of a particular side of being a little in the eyes of social media (I didn't word things properly and left out sentences that would have made more sense by accident). I view myself and my little differently than depicted above. I don't base love on appearance or aesthetics but only on character and actions, and don't let people who do, in my life if I can help it. Sorry if this was un based I just wasn't really understanding the full context of your post.

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