[Deleted User 71449]

Hello I'm still new to BeDeeSeM and still figuring things out so please bare with me.

I should start with, as a single mother who works full time and takes care of an autistic 5 year old daily and the up keep of my home, my sons dad is not around, I've not dated anyone as I've been working on myself getting my career going to provide a good life for the both of us, I make all the decisions in my daily life, so its been very hard for me to adjust to a 24/7 dynamic although this is now what I want and been educating myself on BeDeeSeM and been asking questions where I don't know.

My daddy dom is really making this difficult for me at the start of our relationship, I was asking lots of questions, I also have learning difficulties so for me the best way for me to understand something is for someone to actually explain it to me. He told me and quote 'your questions are loaded' and when I told him that I like questions and he said he didn't and to 'stop questioning him' which I don't even realise that I do.

A few weeks ago I made plans to have my little cousin for the evening, he hit the roof and told me how disappointed he was in me because he was meant to be coming over that day and yet he hadn't planned it with me and had no idea that he wanted to see me, though when I said I would try and cancel he told me there's no point and that I'll be punished for it.

Another time, he told me that I had to bin all my underwear that I wore for other guys and when I told him I didn't have any because I've not had sex he told me he did not believe me, he seemed very shocked at this but between my son, my dog (hyperactive 1 year old puppy dalmation) who both requires alot of attention, and with my dogs training also i didn't have time and I also wanted to focus on myself

Going on to friends, I'll start this one with my dog trainer who's a women anyways, he asked me if my trainer was a guy, which even if she was I don't get what the problem is as she is helping me, aswell as dog Agility sessions. Infact any guy I talk to he doesn't like it, I can't go to anyone's house without his permission, guys houses are completely off limits, fine that's not really a problem but when I told him that I cook with this guy, we volunteer Tuesdays on my days off to feed mouths of elderly/adults/children he had to know who he was when I talk to him, when he checks in, and actually he's one of my best friends that I do trust either my who life if it came down to it, and has been there in my darkest days, but I'm now forbidden to talk to me, he sees me as a little sister and I for him as a big brother and even though he's gay I'm still not aloud to talk to him without permission, little inevitable when we volunteer together.

He has to know where I am all hours and I have to be alone in the evenings when my son Is in bed. If I'm being completely honest I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, this is difficult as it is and even though I'm really trying my hardest to follow his rules he always thinks I'm questioning him when I'm asking a question because I'm learning and don't always understand something, today I snapped at him and told him girls and boys can be friends without it meaning anything, and as you can imagine he hit the roof again, and told me I'm being punished, and that my questions are bratty behaviour. Although he is always so serious about everything.

I feel he doesnt trust me at all, he asked me about candle play and I told him no because I had been in a house fire before in the early hours of the morning by arson, so i do not feel comfortable messing around with fire in my home, I had 3 therapists for this as we had no smoke alarms at the time and was very lucky to have survived as I had lost absolutely everything. And he said that he understood completely but because of the way I went about telling him and did not tell him at the start of the relationship I get a strike (has a 3 strike rule).

I don't really know what I'm asking here, I'm not sure how I can get him to trust me when I've been nothing but honest with him? Do you think maybe he has some jealousy issues? He's poly which is I think is fine with me, I did bring this up af the start and he told him he had 2 other subs and dropping both of them as he won't see them, but I know he does see one of them as he always travels to where she lives, but why is he aloud to talk to other girls but I can't talk to guys even if it's just as a friend? I've never met someone so serious he's not patient with me at all, is this normal?

I'm so sorry this is long, so if you did read, I want to thankyou all. And thankyou all for the replies.

[Motherly]

Not normal.

He sounds controlling and abusive. I think you know it too. He doesn’t sound like a caring, loving fatherly figure type who wants the best for you and wants a strong relationship with you. It doesn’t sound like he’s working at making the relationship comfortable and beneficial to you too. It doesn’t sound like he’s being fair.

Rules should have purpose (that ideally is communicated and understood) and shouldn’t negatively impact your daily life. Questions should be welcomed for the most part, and should be seen as wanting to further strengthen your communication. Both persons should be working at building up trust in the other, and insecurities should be respectfully aired and addressed. Disclosing a trauma is deeply personal and he should be reasonably understanding of this personal timeline.

This guy sounds like he’s taken the “Daddy Dom” label to disguise his abusive behaviors and dismiss any notion of self-improvement. If this isn’t what you were looking for then stop wasting your time on trying to make this relationship work. If you really want to make things work with him then you’ll have to have some uncomfortable conversations about what is bothering you and see a couple’s therapist if you two don’t make progress resolving these issues. Life is too short to be caught up in an unhealthy relationship.

[karu]

tl;dr: girl RUN

For a more written-out response: Ultimately, the sub in a BeDeeSeM relationship is the one that truly holds the power, because they have the ability to revoke consent at any time. They have the power to say no. If life happens and they need to cancel something, they have the power to say that. Like if you're very sick, then you can cancel a date or scene, because it wouldn't be very fun to do that if you're sick. And your dom has to respect that, otherwise they are a crappy dom. The whole point of kink is that it's enjoyable for the people involved. If you're not enjoying yourself, even in a twisty way...then why are you doing it?

And any relationship, BeDeeSeM or not, is based on understanding. BeDeeSeM requires knowing what you're getting involved with OR the understanding that things might happen without your knowledge/understanding BUT you have explicitly stated that you're okay with that. BUT! That doesn't negate your ability to revoke consent (unless you very, very explicitly have set up a situation in which you are not able to revoke consent at ALL, but that is very rare and you would know if you're in such a situation). So you asking questions is 100% the right thing to do. Someone who does not respect you enough to answer your questions or discourages you from asking questions is not someone you want to be in a relationship with.

Kink requires a huge amount of trust for all parties involved. This guy does not trust you and does not want to do the things necessary to allow you to build trust in him. He wants all the benefits of a BeDeeSeM relationship without having to put in any of the work to make it happen. Screw him, you deserve better than that.

[lilnightmare99]

This is not normal at all. He's trying to cut you off from support systems so that you're reliant on him. You need to cut contact with him.

[rosehearts]

Leave him. Cut him off completely, block his number, get a restraining order if you can. That's not just not trusting you, that's abuse. Like, the whole thing is just giant red flags.

[Deleted User 69497]

As so many others have pointed out, this is a toxic relationship. Get out of it, cut all ties with this person, and don't look back.

If you want an ideal of a better way of setting up a CGL relationship, here is some advice that has been put together. viewtopic.php?f=169&t=29137

[Deleted User 70612]

HI first off I will say is you are in a very bad toxic relationship and the only reason I know is because I have been there, My ex husband was that way for 18 years he controlled who I saw, what I did, even where I was allowed to go. It got abusive. I just want you to be safe not only for yourself but if you have a child around him it could even trigger him to be aggressive towards yours son. You are in a dangerous situation and need to get away from him as fast as possible. Please feel free to DM me to talk to. I can answer any questions. If you do leave you may even need to file a restraining order to insure yours and your sons safety. He is already emotionally and mentally abusive the physical will come soon.

[Elvie]

I know everyone else is saying it, but...they're right, this is abuse, this is not safe, and you need to get away.

Please take care of yourself. It's not your fault. You deserve so much more.

[mommymoni]

Okay,, you don’t have to put up with the way that your dd is treating you. You should be able to have your friends as well. The fact that he finds questions to be “bratty behavior” is sickening and ridiculous for real. It’s not right that u can’t be around basically anybody but your son. Either way it goes you don’t have to put up with someone that controlling and no this isn’t normal. now the asking permission part is normal but the way that it seems as he goes around it all isn’t right in anyway.