Trailblazer wrote: ↑3 weeks ago
On one hand my little is in too deep. To the point where I’ve been forgotten about. I’m only seen as a caregiver…
I absolutely understand what you mean and it’s very frustrating as a partner.
I’ve come to realize that Littles and Adult Babies are often extremely
selfish. What their partner might want isn’t something they’ve given much, if any, thought to aside from hoping or assuming it aligns with what they’ve already decided they want. So, your partner may not consider your side of this, and is likely simply free falling down the rabbit hole of pure fantasy fulfillment as if you’re simply a supportive character in a play in which they have lead starring role. It’s what we repeat over and over in the community though. We only seem to focus on the purely regressive experiences, completely neglecting so many crucial other points like the caregiving desires and fulfillment, the partnership bond building and maintenance, and the real mental health needs of being an adult despite feeling inadequate or misplaced as such.
See, they don’t truly want someone who makes rules for them, they want someone who makes the rules they
want made for themselves. They don’t want someone to make decisions for them, they want someone who makes the decisions they
would’ve made for themselves. It’s their lack of confidence in their own decision making. They want their Caregiver to choose what they would’ve chosen, partially because it reassures them that they can
make good choices. They just don’t seem to know this, unfortunately. The lack of awareness is astonishing, and it’s even encouraged through fantastical stories and embellishments.
In their defense though, they’ve had a long while, often years, of dreaming up ideal scenarios, being encouraged by their regressive peers that everything is revolving around them being in their regression, and revolving around their happiness while someone else just does for them. RP is never centered around the Caregiver, how happy they are, or what desires they’re getting fulfilled. They don’t read stories that are from the Caregiver’s perspective. It’s the regression that’s seen as special. The caregiving is often only there to further showcase the regression.
By the time they do find a partner also willing to be their Caregiver they have already decided if they want to wear diapers. They have already decided what they need to maintain their happiness. They have decided if they want to be breastfed, bottlefed, or have sippy cups. They have decided if they get to use a pacifier. They have already decided what style of clothing they like. It’s kind of strange because the community has so heavily encouraged this selfishness to be blanketed over with the idea that their Caregiver is making these decisions, and that if the Caregiver doesn’t make the decisions they’ve already quietly made for themselves then that Caregiver is deemed as simply “no good” or “fake”. It’s confusing for the Caregiver because these decisions are typically those made by the parent over the child. The Little tells the Caregiver that the Caregiver will get to make all
decisions on the Little’s behalf, but the Little wants it exactly the way they’ve already decided, dreamed up, and fantasized about, and if it the Caregiver’s choices don’t match up exactly that’s somehow the Caregiver’s shortcoming. It’s a severe disconnect of understanding that we encourage.
And, if you think about it, often the reason a Little seeks a partner is clearly stated as selfish:
“I need a Caregiver to make me feel Little.
…to do things for me when I’m regressed.
…to keep me regressed.
…to dress me up.
…to feed me.
…to change my diapers as if I can’t do it myself because that makes me feel loved.
…to punish me in the way I like to be punished when I’ve knowingly chosen to be bad.
…to give me rules I’m already aware I need but want someone else to hold me accountable for without any consequence I don’t already agree to.
…to reward me because I deserve to be rewarded, sometimes for the mundane, by someone else.
…to ease my anxiety, depression, guilt, self-harm, or other mental health concerns.
…to make me feel special because I feel like I haven’t every truly felt that way by anyone before.
…to love me.”
“…to center their whole world around me and my desires!”
It is never
: “I want a Caregiver because I want to please them and make them feel whole, needed, loved, and irreplaceably special not only through my regression and the flexibility that gives in allowing my partner to mold me in the most endearing of ways but also from my maturity that helps to meet their intellectual, emotional, and physical needs.”
So, when it comes to the partnership they’ve rarely been encouraged to treat their Caregiver as a person beyond meeting their regression needs. Often, they’ve practically lived in virtual RP. Often, they’ve become to believe that the “right” Caregiver will magically read their mind and dutifully fulfill all of their RP desires without asking anything in return. Often, the desire to partner isn’t thought out fully, where they desperately want to feel they’re loved but under the premise that the Caregiver robotically needs absolutely nothing
but the Little’s presence in return for the emotional bond to happen.
It can be hard to remember that the other person involved has desires too when it’s always been about “me, me, me, my happiness, my desires, my ‘needs’”. So, they tend to follow that mentality when regressing—doing what makes them
happy under an assumption that the other person is happy just because they’re happy. Even if they know better it can be difficult to realize and break the selfish, self-centered habit.
I don’t know how to remedy this but it’s a community problem. I can tell you that all Littles have this selfishness about their regression (I believe it’s community-taught and encouraged through “casual” RP) and the “partnership” they seek, but a few of them will push beyond that and come to the awareness that you’re not just a robotic humanoid willing to change their diapers and dote on them because they exist and it’s what they
want. They’re not all hopeless partners. My partners are prime examples of this capability. Do they still wish I was a mind reader who would make only decisions they would’ve made for themselves under the guise that Mommy is making them? Yes. But they’ve learned that I’m not just a Mommy, and as much as I’m willing to play into these roles they’ve dreamed up for over a decade, I also need them to meet me as an adult, as a partner, and as a romantic interest outside of the conventional parent/child mimicking in some ways. They’ve come into the realization that RP is not real
and that our relationship is not RP. And whether they want to acknowledge or admit it or not, they also need these “needs of maturity” met to actually form and maintain our bond on their end too. After all, an emotionless robot changing someone is much less warming, fulfilling, or exciting than someone special showering them with affections of the heart during it!
Sexual involvement is partnership specific, of course. It’s something all
partnerships need to discuss at some point. You may just need more non-regressed time together to build the relationship further than just the fantasy play. Even if you’d like your partner to regress during these intimate acts you have to discuss it as mature, capable partners. You may very well simply be incompatible in the end. It all starts with communication though. You have to talk
. You have to talk without the parent/child undertones too. You have to talk as partners trying to make a partnership work out for you both in fairness.
It all comes down to the fact that your partner has been heavily encouraged to be self-centered when it comes to regression. Not only do they not know what you might want, but it’s probably never truly occurred to them to actually
care about your fantasies, dreams, perspectives, and desires as a Caregiver. They may repeat the same community line of “this is a two-way street” but not know what that functionally means. Your partner may
be able to change that, but that’s up to both of you to work on. Like I said, it all starts with communication.
Enjoy the path you walk, with or without this person beside you, and know that you won’t always be walking alone, even if it feels that way right now