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#55779
Trigger warning: sexual abuse, trauma







Hi all, I’m kind of in a bit of a pickle and I’m hoping for some advice. So, some backstory - I have a sexual and physical abuse history and struggle when my partner displays any signs of anger prior to a sexual encounter. It can be a bit of a trauma trigger for me and I dissociate or shut down. This is something my Daddy knows about me, we have had many discussions about this and the dangers it poses with safe words since if I’m in that scenario, I’ll mentally check out and won’t safeword. He’s usually able to read me pretty well but it’s something he’s expressed worry about and I know would feel guilt over triggering.

We have a free use clause in our dynamic because his last partner damaged his confidence by turning down sexual advances a lot. We live together and so he can imitate sex whenever and unless I choose to use a safe word, I obey.

Recently he spent most of the day busy gaming and I was admittedly anxious over something else so wasn’t paying attention to him when he came to sit with me and that seemed to really aggravate him which I didn’t realize until he was pretty aggressive and seemingly angry. He then yelled at me while roughly touching me (in an attempt at foreplay which was instead painful) which caused me to panic and mentally check out. It was the roughest encounter we’ve ever had and by the time he tried to actually enter me I wasn’t at all wet and he just moved forward anyways. The end result was a lot of soreness everywhere and actual tearing which bled and was very uncomfortable afterwards once it was over and I came back mentally and felt everything.

Afterwards he wanted to cuddle and I was able to stomach that for about 10 minutes before I made up an excuse to go somewhere else and get some space. I still haven’t talked to him about it but he can tell something is off with me and I don’t know how to discuss it with him. It’s freaking me out to bring up because I should have used my safeword but I didn’t and I don’t know if it’s something I can move past in my head with him. It’s not his fault but I don’t know what to do now I guess.

Ugh, sorry - this is kind of a messy post. Any advice, or kind words would be super appreciated ❤️
#55783
First thing I think here is that it sounds like if you insist on continuing this relationship then you need to have more conversations about your comfort zones and what is actually not okay for you to experience. That there are firm boundaries that cannot, under any circumstance, be crossed, and that if they are crossed then the relationship may very well end. What you think may have been communicated clearly could’ve been misunderstood, I guess, even though it sure doesn’t sound like it. Maybe he has issues with certain types of comprehension and needs this displayed in big, bold letters, I don’t know. The alternative to that is that he simply did not care about you in the moments he held his own sexual desires as more important than your mental health. Consider that, and consider if that’s something healthy for you to endure.

sweetlittlekitten wrote: 3 weeks ago I have a sexual and physical abuse history and struggle when my partner displays any signs of anger prior to a sexual encounter. It can be a bit of a trauma trigger for me and I dissociate or shut down. This is something my Daddy knows about me, we have had many discussions about this and the dangers it poses with safe words since if I’m in that scenario, I’ll mentally check out and won’t safeword.

Disregarding this that’s been clearly communicated about you many times is disregarding you as a person. You’re just a lifeless toy at that point, and your feelings and desires for your mental safety and health don’t matter. He knew this could happen so aggressive situations should be something he avoids out of care and respect for you. He did not care about you or the consequences his actions would cause for you. It wouldn’t surprise me if he expects you to “just deal with it” or turn this around to further victim blame because you didn’t safeword even though you did, well in advance, many times before he abused you.

I cannot at all justify someone literally abusing you, mentally or physically, just because they say sorry or give you a cuddle after. This isn’t kindergarten. He didn’t accidentally get too excited on the playground and push you down. “Sorry” doesn’t excuse torturing someone or having sex with them when it’s clear they wouldn’t and aren’t consenting. Did you read that? Read it again. You didn’t consent, and he had the knowledge that you wouldn’t consent or be in the headspace to be able to say no/safeword. That is abuse. That is, I’m sorry, legitimate r-a-p-e. Not mock, not play, not a scene. Real.

Yeah, that’s what really happened to you.

Just...I am so sorry you experienced that. Please let me know if there is something I can do for you.

Safeword usage is for when a line is accidentally crossed. There shouldn’t be a situation where your partner knows you’ll even just likely safeword. To put someone in a position where you know they’ll probably safeword is abuse. Straight up abuse. If he doesn’t know or realize how a safeword is used then I would say he’s unsafe to allow “scenes” with at any point. I’d run. I’d get out as fast as I could.

sweetlittlekitten wrote: 3 weeks ago We have a free use clause in our dynamic because his last partner damaged his confidence by turning down sexual advances a lot. We live together and so he can imitate sex whenever and unless I choose to use a safe word, I obey.
I’m sorry but that just sounds like a massive pile of hot garbage to excuse his lack of emotional response or care when it comes to wanting sex. He completely disrespects you and uses your body because the last partner wouldn’t let him, regardless of the very valid reason a person may not want to have sex? Gee, he sure sounds like a healthy individual that will hold you in a place of respect...

Let’s be real, he just doesn’t want to have to be held accountable for his actions and giving you some sob story as to why you should never say no to him is guilting and gaslighting you into accepting abuse (and, clearly by the way you’ve said it a few times, victim blaming yourself).

I mean, really, he “needed” the confidence validation so much that your mental health didn’t matter at all any more? You tore, you bled, you mentally shut down, you are emotionally distraught...because an ex partner said no to him before and he didn’t like hearing that? Come on, he needs to grow up, take responsibility for himself, and get into therapy. Abusing someone else because hearing “no” makes you unhappy is not acceptable. Is he a bratty, spoiled toddler who gets his way by throwing tantrums when mommy says no to the candy he wants? I mean, he’s a grownass man, he needs to exercise some self control!

Look, we aren’t a BDSM-oriented group so there’s not a lot to say here about contracts, “obeying”, “scenes”, or mock-abuse, but this sounds like a very unhealthy path to walk down by putting up with someone who ignores your limits. I, personally, feel putting someone in a position where they might “safe word” is abuse, emotionally neglectful, and damaging to the other person as well as the relationship. I don’t feel like a Daddy should be sexually forcing himself upon you whenever he gets the urge in his pants. You’re a person too! A Daddy can control his parts and should care about you! Your health, your well-being, your safety, your happiness. He should be prioritizing you. Caring and emotional expressions are so core to the CGL partnership, not sexual gratification or mock-abuse just because some girl in his past said “no” to sex with him. I mean, what is he, 13?

Personally, I’d be looking for a new place to live and avoid any and all potential of future, repeated abuse. Clearly he does not respect you. Daddies are reasonable, mature, and responsible. He’s none of those things. This entire set-up sounds like it’s going to end in years worth of therapy to try to overcome. You don’t deserve that. You’re worth more than he’s treating you.

Oh, also, it is his fault that he abused you and the trust you had placed in him to respect your mental health! It is absolutely, without a doubt, completely his fault.
#55784
As a fellow abuse survivor, I feel like it's a really bad idea to have free use in a relationship when you are still having triggers that severe. It sucks that he has self esteem issues because of his past but that's not your fault and you shouldn't be the one having to suffer because of it. If you know that there is even a slight potential of you having a reaction to it then why put yourself through it and as a dom and a partner he should know better and have better control over himself.
#55786
We are very, very sorry for what you have gone through in the past and for what has occurred here. We sincerely hope that you can move forth from these events.

This was not at all your fault. It was HIS fault. He abused you. We agree with Admin's advice in leaving him. Get away. As soon as possible. You’re not in a safe relationship.

A person never needs to have sexual desires met, especially over your health. Everybody should have restraint, no matter the circumstances, no matter that person's past, conditions, whatever. He didn't deserve to have sex with you. He needs some therapy. He’s sick.

Again, we are very, very sorry. We sincerely wish you the best. Please stay safe! :bheart: :pheart: :pinkh:
#55797
I'm very sorry that you experienced this with your partner and hope you are feeling better but the first thing you should do is make sure the relationship is healthy to stay in even if you are little you are still a smart, strong, beautiful person that deserves respect and love. Even littles have the right to end relationships

And if you have decided to stay in the relationship in which I hope is healthy and safe for you. Being intimate should not be taken lightly even in standard relationships you have every right to decline advancnces or actions you don't feel good about.

The most important tool you have is your voice even if you're little, just tell your partner you need to talk about something very important, set a time or day you and your partner have plenty of free time tell your partner what happened and how you felt about it just be completely honest with them and tell them that you need a safe word for future events to ensure your and their safety

I understand this is not an easy discussion for anyone to have and can even be scary for some but be strong and stick to the time you set up with your partner to have this discussion the worst thing you can do is back away or try to ignore this

I really do hope this helps you and remember at the end of the day you are a person that deserves love and respect littles have rights no matter how small so please be safe and have confidence in yourself you deserve to be happy
#55798
Also safe words don't necessarily need to be words safe words can be actions done to signal the other person to stop although these can be harder for the other person to read immediately it could be a safer or better alternative

Some ideas could be crossing your arms in an "X", squeezing a certain part of your partners arm/arms

Again I hope this helps and please be safe I really can't express this enough your safety mentally and physically should always come first no matter what
#55800
Newdaddy3 wrote: 2 weeks ago Also safe words don't necessarily need to be words safe words can be actions done to signal the other person to stop although these can be harder for the other person to read immediately it could be a safer or better alternative

Some ideas could be crossing your arms in an "X", squeezing a certain part of your partners arm/arms

While this is true, I think the point the poster was trying to make is that they completely mentally check out (“panic and mentally check out” are the words they used) when faced with aggressiveness as they described. It isn’t unusual for an abuse/r-ape victim to become unresponsive, freeze up, or mentally blank out during the encounter/attack.

As an abuse and r-ape survivor myself, this reply is coming off as victim blaming, as if the poster should’ve had a secondary way to safeword but failed to act accordingly. I know that wasn’t what you meant but this is a very sensitive issue. So, no. They did not fail to tell their partner what was absolutely not okay to do to them. The abuser abused this person and the situation, at no fault of the victim. You are feeding into self-degradation by diverting to educating about how someone can safeword. This person did safeword though! They did exactly what they were supposed to do by telling their partner upfront about what they would not consent to doing/have done to them. What more could anyone ask for at that point?

This wasn’t a situation where a physical restraint caused the person to temporarily be unable to speak the safeword. This is a situation of abuse where mental panic and distress caused the victim to be unable to deal with this trauma too. It didn’t matter how many “options” for saying or signaling “no” they had this at that point. Abuse was occurring.

The poster here did safeword well in advance, multiple times, through conversations with their partner. They did many times before this situation occurred, and felt the message of a clear hard limit was received. They don’t need to perpetually always be safewording/reminding their partner of their hard limits. Their partner did not obey the defined boundary, and did not respect the mental safety of this person. Their partner did not care that this person not only wouldn’t and didn’t consent but was advised they’d become so distressed that they couldn’t consent. If you cannot gather the strength to speak due to mental trauma occurring then you probably won’t be able to physically signal either, and if the other person already doesn’t care about your expressed hard limits then screaming the safeword or flagging whatever hand signals as wildly as you can isn’t going to change their mind.

Trauma was occurring. Trauma! Not a fun scene that accidentally dipped over and started to cross a line. The entire thing put the poster in a known state of panic and that was taken advantage of by someone abusing their relationship and trust.

This isn’t the posters fault, and there was no failure in not proceeding with either a verbal or audible cue that what was happening needed to stop. Having a visual cue probably wouldn’t have changed the situation. They mentally checked out. They were mentally blank, unresponsive, or retreated to a different mental zone in effort to save their sanity while being abused. They did no wrong. They did not fail. This is not their fault. The answer here is not “consider crossing your arms next time” the answer is to acknowledge that this was absolutely unacceptable from the “Daddy”.

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