Caregivers, Mommies, Daddies, adult babies, middles, babyfur, diaperfur, and all other Bigs and littles discuss regression, relationship dynamics, have open group conversation, share experienced advice, and exchange ideas to help one another grow in knowledge.
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#55726
Recently I started talking to someone who was interested in being my caregiver but now I'm starting to think they may be confused with what I really want and what is kink? They wanted me to call them 'Daddy' or sometimes I call them any other nickname (like bubba or dadda) and I am easing into it slowly. But at one point I felt small and I texted them about it and I didn't get the feeling that they wanted to actually be a proper caregiver?
They tend to gear the conversation towards being sexual and at some points it makes me feel super out of my comfort zone seeing as I've never done such things before (they're a lot older than me so they have a lot more experience too). And now I'm afraid that I've gotten quite attached to someone who doesn't actually understand what I mean when I say I want them to be my caregiver.
I'm not necessarily afraid of the outcome too much, but I just dont really know how to go about with telling them what I want without possibly making them upset or angry. And at this point I'm (kind of) scared that I might regress and they'll take it the wrong way and think of something else.
It would help a lot if I got advice from someone who mightve been in a similar situation!!! :pheart:
#55727
I am sorry to hear you are having trouble. Anxiety and boundaries often seem to be at conflict with one another. That said finding the confidence to step up and talk to this person about your needs, wants and comfort sounds like something that will have to happen eventually and at the very least sounds a great deal more comfortable then trying to deal with what might happen otherwise.

I often find that I need time to think and writing helps me get my thoughts in order. I don't like sending important or uncomfortable topics via text but depending on what you are comfortable with and the nature of your arrangement it is still an option. I urge you to think about what might help you approach this conversation comfortably.

Another option might be to have a friend you trust practice having the conversation with you first or even sit down and write out a worst case scenario. That last one might sound like horrible advice but after you have written out the worst that might happen try taking a deep breath and asking yourself what you would do then?

After that maybe ask yourself what seems like a more reasonable outcome and what you want to happen. I find that it tends to give me perspective and help me make choices based on what I want rather then what I am afraid of.

If this person truly cares about you and a healthy relationship they will understand. If they don't well you are valuable and worth love.

Regrettably many relationships suffer from us falling in love with the idea of someone rather then who they actually are. There isn't ever a single answer to avoiding this pitfall because not everyone is going to be honest with themselves let alone you but honest and open conversation and taking the time to understand your own needs is about as close to an answer as any of us will probably ever get.

Stay strong out there and know you deserve happiness just as much as everyone else.
#55731
This actually looks like one big case of miscommunication problem.

DDLG actually started as a part of a bdsm culture. Bdsm started as a sexual kink, thing people just do for fun and this is how it's mostly represented in the media. It is not of any surprise then, that this is how most people are going to perceive it.

One big mistake that people make, and I was sadly no different is presenting DDLG as just DDLG instead of DDLG kink or DDLG lifestyle. Lifestyle seems bigger and more important that just "lets play Daughter and Daddy" and in most cases people asks what do You mean and You can explain that is something more than a fun without any obligations. Look - ddlg doesn't have the most important word in it "care" in it, but it have "dominant" instead. Hence the problem, domination is mostly associated with a bedroom.

If I were You and I had similar problem before I would meet and try to correct the misunderstanding. I would said I wasn't clear and I want to tell him my intentions, that You wanted a lifestyle - something that goes deeper than just in a bedroom. What if he does not want to listen, or does not want to compromise? Well maybe he is not a good material for a Daddy. Better to know that sooner than later.

I did have talk like that and it actually helped. It is ok to have fun in a world of illusions, but it is not ok building Your life based on them.

Stay safe :heart:
#55732
mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago DDLG actually started as a part of a bdsm culture. Bdsm started as a sexual kink, thing people just do for fun and this is how it's mostly represented in the media. It is not of any surprise then, that this is how most people are going to perceive it.

One big mistake that people make, and I was sadly no different is presenting DDLG as just DDLG instead of DDLG kink or DDLG lifestyle. Lifestyle seems bigger and more important that just "lets play Daughter and Daddy" and in most cases people asks what do You mean and You can explain that is something more than a fun without any obligations. Look - ddlg doesn't have the most important word in it "care" in it, but it have "dominant" instead. Hence the problem, domination is mostly associated with a bedroom.
:shakeno:

I’m sorry but some of what you’re saying isn’t exactly accurate. You are right in that the poster needs to have discussions with their partner about what they mean by DDLG so that they can understand one another better though. So many people in the community become enamored by the labels we apply to ourselves, forget that the connection goes so much deeper, and accidentally neglect the individualism of the person they’re hoping to connect with in the community. It can be so easy to forget to talk about these things and end up getting accidentally partnered with someone who isn’t what they assumed based on their own ideas, thoughts, and standings. The history claim about the dynamic you’re sharing is inaccurate though, and I would strongly encourage you to take the time to read through our available resources.

DDLG is a partnership between a male-identifying Caregiver and a female-identifying Little. That’s all that the acronym actually means. As a note, CGL is the most gender-neutral equivalent of DDLG, and was formed after “parent/child” failed to suit our needs as a community. “DDLG” wasn’t formed by BDSM or indicates it’s BDSM-related. It existed years before it was used as common sexual identification in BDSM, and still isn’t used strictly in BDSM today. Unfortunately, the general BDSM community is much, much larger than the CGL community so it’s easier for them to swallow something up, label it as twisty sex-related, and overshadow the identity of it.

How did it get intertwined into BDSM? The same as any other adult interest. “Daddy/daughter incest fantasy” and “Mommy/son erotic roleplay” existed, and the identities we were using were easily misunderstood by the BDSM groups, who believed we were just acting out adult interests. Ultimately, DDLG existed in a way that wasn’t actual incest fantasy and someone was still aroused by it so they began incorporating regressive appearances and actions into their kink scenes. It, eventually, blended into a BDSM subgroup of people interested in acting out incest fantasies, basically. They originally used DDLG because it was gaining popularity and a solid understanding that someone was a “parent figure” while the other was a “child type”. I mean, you know, feet themselves aren’t BDSM-related but foot adult interests can be.

Terms such as DDLG have long existed to describe common pairings between a male-identifying Caregiver and a female-identifying regressor/little. It does not actually reference sexual activity, but is commonly also used in the BDSM community to describe some sexually charged scenes. BDSM is a sexual situation preference. Being a little is a personality, regardless of sexual activity. Unfortunately, this is just one of the terms that both of these separate communities use to describe usually different things. It didn’t originate from BDSM though.

The “dom” component in the DDLG acronym is outdated but was designed to indicate that the pairing was not biologically incestuous and that the Caregiver is taking a parental role in interactions with the little. Parents naturally have a different set of expectations and responsibilities than that of their children. More recently the “dom” component has come to indicate that the pairing is of adult-nature (regardless of sexual involvement). Prior terminology did not indicate as clearly that the partnership was of biologically unrelated adults. These terms are well-established and wiping the slate clean to replace these terms with newer ones, as to no longer overlap with another community, is not easily doable since the terms have gained traction and general understanding when it comes to CGL acknowledgement and acceptance.

So, tacking on “dom” was an easy way to signify that we were “taking care of” someone else but that we weren’t actually their biological parent. It was in effort to indicate that both parties were unrelated adults.

In short, we use to say (about 10-15 years back) we were Daddy/daughter or Mommy/son (and other gendered variants), but it caused a huge amount of distress when outsiders absolutely misunderstood, labeled us as active child abusers, and even attempted to report us to authorities. When it comes to “CGL”, well, we certainly couldn’t keep trying to say “Parent/child” as non gender-specific identities since it sounded so much like no-no stuff we realized we needed to distance ourselves from. Yes, we tried “parent/child” as identifying terms as a community too but it was just too blurry for any outsider to immediately understand. We’d be kicked out and banned from online groups that caught wind of our poorly termed identities, and we’d have to be concerned a police officer would show up at the door to investigate a false report of endangerment. We had to be more clear that we were adults, and we reached for something that felt like it translated to that by tacking in “dom” and dropping things like relative terms, such as “daughter”.

And, yeah, there were open, public discussions about terms and acronyms going on in our online groups. I’m sure they’re cached somewhere, but I wish I would’ve had the mind to screen shot those back then as references for today!

So, what I’m saying here is that terms like DDLG may now be shared between our community and those people involved in strictly BDSM scenes, but it honestly did not start off as related to BDSM.

Of course, Littles can absolutely engage in sexual situations, including self-gratification, without it being twisty, fetishized, or even related to BDSM because regression/littlespace is based on personality—not sexual conduct, desire, or motivation.

You just have to remember that being a little is a personality trait, and isn’t defined by objects or actions, but, rather, perceptions. It isn’t a “lifestyle”, which would imply it’s a choice to act something out and can be stopped. “Lifestyle” in absolutely incorrect when discussing the caregiver or little identities. Being a Little (or a Caregiver) is very much a strong, core part of who that individual is as a person, how they perceive and interact with their environment and others, and their expressions of self. It’s not a lifestyle choice to be a little. Although, it also isn’t an impairment of sorts, and the regression isn’t a “coping mechanism” for psychological issues and “past trauma”. It’s just a quirky personality type that’s even perhaps from birth (citing the basic nature versus nurture logic argument in personality development from psychology).

In addition to all of that, a little can be involved in BDSM too by performing or acting out kink-based scenes, which could include an incest fantasy adult interest. This would mean the little is still a little and involved in BDSM. Again, these are two separate, unrelated things.

This may help, taken from our facts from the resource section:
★ CGL partnerships, Age Regression, Littles, Middles, Caregivers, Adult Babies, and other identities that fall into our community are not inherently sexual or related to BDSM.
☆ CGL community members may individually also perform acts of or experience BDSM in it's various forms.
☆ A member of the CGL community can also be a member of the BDSM community. A member of the CGL community is not always a member of the BDSM community.

★ There is a sexual kink and/or sexual adult interest for roleplaying as a parent (commonly "Daddy" for "Daddy kink") or as a child or teenager. This is not the same as being a little, being a true caregiver, or engaging in a CGL relationship.
☆ People participating in those acts are doing so for sexual intention and gratification. Those adult interests and kinks may be BDSM-related.
☆ The CGL community is not inherently based on sexual experiences, desires, or fantasies.

★ Power exchanges that exist within our community are also referred to as CGL (Caregiver/little) relationships in quick contexts but...

☆ CGL does not have to mean there is domination and submission occurring at all times or on all levels
☆ CGL does not mean one person in the partnership must maintain being dominant or submissive at all times or on all levels
☆ CGL does not require a person to be sexual or experience sexual activities while regressed or with a regressed partner.
☆ CGL is not necessarily BDSM unless it involves sexual motivation, gratification, or intention. An example of BDSM CGL would be a little who regresses during foreplay to further entice and arouse their partner.

★ Power exchanges involving BDSM means that the power exchange is sexually motivated, gratifying, or intended.

★ BDSM is an umbrella term that correlates to sexual activity. If no sexual activity exists or is perceived to be unrelated to other components of a relationship between or more people then it is not truly BDSM.

★ We accept that a CGL relationship may involve a power exchange dynamic due to natural structure and hierarchy desires among humans.

★ We accept that a CGL relationship may involve BDSM components, such as powerplay (sexual play based upon a power exchange such as Dominance/submission).
☆ CGL community members may individually also perform acts of or experience BDSM in it's various forms.
☆ A member of the CGL community can also be a member of the BDSM community. A member of the CGL community is not always a member of the BDSM community.

★ Just like any other adult-bodied individual, a little may have sexual needs and interests. Littles (and their caregivers) are not necessarily sexual or nonsexual.
☆ A person who experiences regression but also engages in sexual gratification is not necessarily performing an act of BDSM unless their regression was directly a component of the sexual intention (such as the reason for arousal).

★ A little can engage in sexual activity while experiencing regression and...

☆ This does not relate to the sexualization of biological children in any form
☆ Does not mean their partner is interested in sexualizing biological children
☆ Is not related to pedo-philia, hebe-philia, ephebo-philiaor, or any attraction to biologically underage persons
#55736
LittleRedDrake wrote: 3 weeks ago I am sorry to hear you are having trouble. Anxiety and boundaries often seem to be at conflict with one another. That said finding the confidence to step up and talk to this person about your needs, wants and comfort sounds like something that will have to happen eventually and at the very least sounds a great deal more comfortable then trying to deal with what might happen otherwise.

I often find that I need time to think and writing helps me get my thoughts in order. I don't like sending important or uncomfortable topics via text but depending on what you are comfortable with and the nature of your arrangement it is still an option. I urge you to think about what might help you approach this conversation comfortably.

Another option might be to have a friend you trust practice having the conversation with you first or even sit down and write out a worst case scenario. That last one might sound like horrible advice but after you have written out the worst that might happen try taking a deep breath and asking yourself what you would do then?

After that maybe ask yourself what seems like a more reasonable outcome and what you want to happen. I find that it tends to give me perspective and help me make choices based on what I want rather then what I am afraid of.

If this person truly cares about you and a healthy relationship they will understand. If they don't well you are valuable and worth love.

Regrettably many relationships suffer from us falling in love with the idea of someone rather then who they actually are. There isn't ever a single answer to avoiding this pitfall because not everyone is going to be honest with themselves let alone you but honest and open conversation and taking the time to understand your own needs is about as close to an answer as any of us will probably ever get.

Stay strong out there and know you deserve happiness just as much as everyone else.
Thank you so much for this advice!! I am trying to figure out how to start the conversation with them and talking about what I mightve wanted from them.
At this point I think I should make a short list so they could understand what I might possibly want from them choosing to be my caregiver. I guess it was the part of them being older and more experienced than me that made me anxious because I do feel a lot of respect for this person too.
Thank you for the advice it made me think of what I could do to help me and this person figure things out. :yay:
#55737
Dear Admin.

Ok then a lot to unpack here so lets get started... :pres:

First things first - I wasn't trying to describe as much of correct term or it's history, as much as a common perception of the term. Yes it was an oversimplification, but I did not want to leave anxious little with a wall of text. Instead I focused on the fact that couple of years ago DDLG started to get more popular and at that time it was heavily associated with bdsm. On the a chat site servers that got involved with bdsm there was a lot of talking about a type of a sub called a little. There were articles that described three types of doms - masters, handlers and Daddies and three types of subs - pets, littles and slaves. It was believed that those two: bdsm and ddlg are somewhat interconnected. Sadly nowadays that is a "simplified" version that most normies heard about. That it's something bdsmy and if being bdsmy it's also bedroomy.

Yes I do know littlespace is more of a psychological state, role of dominant and sub in ddlg can be reversed( the so called princesses who rule over their Daddies), that regression is something that exist in psychology and is used to heal trauma, ddlg is transphobic and too gender-restricted and thats why shifted to cg/l instead and all that; though I did not forget all that jazz is pretty intimidating for a normie or a beginner. Thats exactly why I used bdsm distinction of a lifestyle and a kink. Lifestyle something involved that affects life and relationship and kink as something less involved.

Op clearly said that her caregiver is much older than her, so that is why I used information and worldview that was common ten years ago. To give her actual framework that she can use if she chooses to talk with her Daddy in hopes that she can be understood. Bashing people with the book chock full ton of definitions is not a good way to handle such delicate matters. :read:

I was there, I was having the same talk as OP would clearly need to carry out. It was hard, it was stressful, but I was happy that I did it. I cannot imagine how the person would react if instead of saying "I see it less like a kink, but more like a lifestyle" , "can we Daddy try to see it as something more outside the bedroom?" :angel: I would say "it is a personality trait that I cannot control - I just have a need to put myself in a psychological state of a deep regression and sadly Your recent actions make You not the greatest facilitator." :shook: Or some other totally correct stuff.

Op I hope You will be understood and everything will end allright :splode:
#55742
mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago I wasn't trying to describe as much of correct term or it's history, as much as a common perception of the term. Yes it was an oversimplification...
I understand your intention, but spreading inaccurate information just because it’s simple isn’t justified. Please bother to read my previous post. I read yours, please be respectful and read mine too. :read:

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago On the a chat site servers that got involved with bdsm there was a lot of talking about a type of a sub called a little. There were articles that described...
Our community is not a part or an extension of the BDSM community though. It’s okay if you are or your partnership is a part of that group too but you need to realize that citing a BDSM group about CGL is like seeing a dentist for depression. Maybe the dentist knows some things, and maybe they don’t, but they’re definitely not an expert in that field and should refer you to someone who is more educated about the topic. And, yeah, you can see a dentist and you can see a psychologist, but for different things.

Please bother to read my post as well as the linked articles about our CGL-based community. See, we have articles too that have been written by multiple people, each with 15+ years in the community. I’m trying really hard to explain that there are two very different groups that exist. We aren’t a blend as a whole. Just stop, breathe, and open your mind to consider what I’m saying.

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago... regression is something that exist in psychology and is used to heal trauma...
This is incorrect based on documented psychology. Please read my post, and follow through to the various linked resources. One article in particular explains that regression therapy is a mockery in psychology. It isn’t like the movies, and is mostly considered laughable in the psychological field. Even within our own community you will find plenty of Littles who did not have “childhood trauma”, and that sort of by itself proves that this isn’t some “coping mechanism” developed by such unfortunate past experiences.

Please take the time to try to understand truths, even if it’s new to you. It’s important to know what’s right instead of accidentally believing rumor. Rumors might be easier to understand but if they’re wrong they’re just wrong.

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago... ddlg is transphobic and too gender-restricted and thats why shifted to cg/l instead...
That is not at all true. Please, bother to read my post for information about that. CGL didn’t come from DDLG because of transphobia or gender restrictions.

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago Thats exactly why I used bdsm distinction of a lifestyle and a kink. Lifestyle something involved that affects life and relationship and kink as something less involved.
No. No. :sadno: Lifestyle is a choice. It’s incorrect wording too for our community. A lifestyle is what the BDSM group uses to explain they want long, never-ending scene dynamics by choice. Personality traits are not lifestyle choices. Being a little is not a choice. It just isn’t. Sex scenes and the way you choose to maintain your household are choices. Please, please, please read my post. Please, I’m literally begging you to take just a few moments to read.

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago... that is why I used information and worldview that was common ten years ago.
Okay. You may be using information from a decade ago but so am I. I believe you may be using information from BDSM 10 years ago. I am not. I’m using information about our community, from our community, that existed 10+ years ago. There are, and were, two separate groups of people using same terms. I tried really hard to explain that as best as I could. Please read my post! Please!

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago Bashing people with the book chock full ton of definitions is not a good way to handle such delicate matters.
Nobody is bashing anyone. Knowledge is power :yay: though, and I believe Littles are very capable of learning as well as educating others. Spreading inaccurate, incorrect information doesn’t help to empower others. They can only spread false information then.

I’m not a bad person here. I’m not a villain. Neither are you, of course. I’m extremely passionate about our community though and I want to see people flourish. I :pheart: love :pheart: our community! That’s why I chose to step up and try to educate you on multiple misunderstandings and inaccuracies you’ve accidentally shared. By educating others they gain the power to educate people around them. In this case, the OP could really benefit from the history of DDLG versus BDSM so they can understand why their partner doesn’t align with their view of it. From having that understanding they gain the power of conversation with their partner so that they can pass on helpful, accurate information to them.

Please, read my post again without giving me a negative, hateful voice. I’m not an aggressive, angry monster trying to attack you. It’s passion you’ve read, not anger. It’s a very deep love. :splode: The passion of a Mommy is very motherly in tone, I suppose!

mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago I cannot imagine how the person would react if instead of saying "I see it less like a kink, but more like a lifestyle" , "can we Daddy try to see it as something more outside the bedroom?"

I would say "it is a personality trait that I cannot control - I just have a need to put myself in a psychological state of a deep regression and sadly Your recent actions make You not the greatest facilitator."

Or some other totally correct stuff.
Okay, it’s okay that you can’t imagine that conversation going well for you, but I can imagine it because I’ve educated multiple people in my past. I understand we disagree on this matter, and I feel like it’s okay that you and I make different choices like this in our personal relationships. Just understand that I’ve “come out” to multiple people, including multiple former partners, in the past about being a Mommy. I’ve corrected some who misunderstood it to be only sex-related. I believe, based on my experiences, that educating those people is much more effective than anything else, including watering everything down to pretending you had agreed on it being only one way but have recently come to want to try something “new”. Your belief is okay.

I just feel like a person can be honest and educational without being heartless or robotic. Instead of, “it is a personality trait that I cannot control - I just have a need to put myself in a psychological state of a deep regression and sadly Your recent actions make You not the greatest facilitator, one could say, “I feel like my identity as a little goes so deep, and I think doing things that make me feel young and childlike throughout the day could really help me express who I am better. Right now I feel like we’ve secluded these things to only the bedroom and kind of only sex but I’d like to expand on that to show my personality in other ways too! Could you help me work on being more openly childish every day? This regressive stuff really feels like it’s who I am at my core!” I think a lot of people could take that positively and not be put off, and it offers up a little bit of information without finger pointing or creating hurt feelings.

Anyway, I think we simply both agree the poster here needs to talk with their partner and that is kind of that. The words they choose are personally decided and unique to them, having knowledge of how their partner may be able to understand a different perspective. If they now understand the truth of why some people think DDLG is only a sex thing, and why others disagree entirely, then they understand their partner’s initial perspective better. They can potentially help their partner also understand that there is a second perspective that is common, and that it can cause misunderstandings at times. It’s empowering OP to know these things.

Okay, okay, okay...
Let’s stop hijacking this thread, please. You’re welcome to create a new topic thread if you want to continue or have questions, or you’re also welcome to email me (or even use the contact form if it’s easier for you) for more one-on-one discussion.
Just, you know...I’m not being hostile. I wasn’t being hostile in trying to educate. Being corrected is not someone coming at you aggressively. I don’t want false information shared around the community, misleading them about our past or how things developed, because I love our community. I want people to be strong and well. I want the OP to be strong and well. I want you to be strong and well! :you: That’s all. That’s really just it. I’m sure you want the same.

Enjoy your path! :hugs:


EDIT:
mayachan wrote: 3 weeks ago ...I did not want to leave anxious little with a wall of text.
I understand you may not have directly pointed to me on this but I know it’s applicable to my responses. I’m really sorry if I’m perceived as walls of text. I’ve tried really hard for years now to change that but I get so caught up in the passion of the community that I tend to say too much, I guess. Just in case, I am genuinely sorry if it’s offensive that I can’t seem to shut up.

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