Toriimon wrote: ↑1 month ago
I really appreciate and adore our bond because I feel so much closer to her than my regular friends. She does have feelings for me though and we have practiced with a sexual bond in the past, but overall it is platonic and especially now so that I am in a monogamous relationship.
The basis of a CGL relationship is romantic. It is based on feelings, emotions, and acceptance of atypical displays of love.
The taking-care-of by the Caregiver is an affectionate and endearing act of love. Just as parents feel a special, loving bond to their children, and would give their life for their children because they love them deeply.
The childlike need the little expresses to the Caregiver not only accepts and encourages the atypical displays of live from the Caregiver but provides appreciation, interpreted as reciprocated love. The little wants to feel loved, and that’s what having a Caregiver is truly ALL about—having a person finally not only accept your quirky personality but also love it.
Being a Daddy or a Mommy to a little is uniquely expressing your affection and romance toward that individual, knowing that your atypical expressions are understood as being from your heart. It’s a special connection that should be cherished, fostered to blossom into its full beauty. If those feelings of romance don’t pre-exist then you have to ask yourself what you’re actually, really doing and why you think you and the way you feel and express those feelings fall under a particular label. What “platonic CGL” means is “friends with benefits”, where one side is expecting to feel good without actually investing true, honest feelings for the other.
Just because you believe you’ve separated off what this person does for you versus what that person does for you doesn’t mean they aren’t actually fulfilling the same role in your life. You feel loved by this person for whatever reasons and you feel loved by that person for whatever reasons. You keep them both because you enjoy feeling loved by these people, even if the love doesn’t come in the exact same way. It’s still love, it’s still special and romantic. They’re still giving a special part of themselves to you. I would argue that you are not monogamous, especially after having carried on for years with your Caregiver’s affections and being aware of their feelings toward you.
If your Caregiver “has feelings” for you then your relationship is absolutely not platonic. Your Caregiver is displaying her attraction and loving feelings toward you when tending to your basic needs, and you are accepting and encouraging that by allowing it so you’re sending signals that you’re also romantically interested in some level. You may want to believe there is nothing more than that but you are, unfortunately, fooling yourself and leading your Caregiver on. It saddens my heart so much to think your Caregiver may be quietly hoping that one day you’ll see how much she’s put into caring for and loving you in a deeply special way. I feel sorry that she’s settled as being second place just so that she can continue to love you.
Friends with benefits in the CGL realm doesn’t usually end up being fulfilling for both parties because CGL connections are based on emotions. Regular FWB is fulfilling for some people due to the ability to separate feelings from physical desire. That just isn’t what CGL is at all. It’s ALL about feelings! So, you really should reconsider what you believe is happening in your relationships, and work toward being more honest with yourself as to embrace your partners.