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#55944
Hello.

I am very new to this forum. I would like to start by saying I am in a safe place (for now), have reached out to counselors and resources in my area, and am aware this might be triggering for some readers.

I fell in mad love with my daddy figure; we were childhood sweethearts knew each other for twenty years. He reconnected with me again and spoiled and adored me. He flew me across the country to depend on him; I felt very safe, loved, and happy at first. I model / work in entertainment, and make music. He is a working class kind of guy. We have a history of shared trauma, and our connection was the most intense of my life.

Gradually this person changed and became unsafe. He crossed boundaries we established, and bossed me around (not in a good, nurturing way, but in a cruel way with no comfort after). He shouted a lot and became threatening, (sometimes physically), and finally, he dumped me off alone in the parking lot of a motel, screaming at me at the top of his lungs. He has abandoned the relationship , and me, but has gone back and forth on a daily basis if he wants to get back together or not.

I have no family, other than my younger brothers, who I raised my self.

I am confused because I held up to my end of the deal. I was submissive, behaved, accommodated his emotional needs in and out of the kink rules, and did everything for him. On top of that, I was beautiful, in good shape, and cute...but he completely cut off my emotional supply, words of affirmation, validation and spoiling etc.

During the breakup he did not even address my little identity; he is cruel and harsh and cold as if I had several affairs or was at fault for everything...as if I am a threatening, dominant person and not a faithful sub/ little at all. Since my age regression is trauma related, it is deeply horrifying.

I feel like a little girl at a bus stop in one sock looking for the person who loves me but he is gone.

I try to talk to counselors about the DDLG but they don't understand; they think that is naturally abusive. And I can't get proper guidance from them. I have never talked to another little girl or another daddy/dom before besides this one, so I don't know what normal is.

I am so scared. Please let me know if you have any advice. I keep waiting for him to play with me and even holding my toys does not comfort me; it makes me ill. Please let me know if you understand.
#55949
I am so sorry you’ve experienced such an abusive person. Please, distance yourself as much as humanly possible from your abuser. Clearly, he isn’t fit to be in a relationship and has a lot to work on himself. Please, focus on getting well.

skyglass wrote: 1 month ago ...so I don't know what normal is.
You do know what’s normal in a relationship though. CGL is no different. It’s okay to trust yourself. What’s happened feels wrong because you know it’s wrong. You are smarter about these things than you may realize. Feeling abused or taken advantage of isn’t how any relationship should make you feel. You know this :hugs:

Seeking therapy is a great decision when exiting an abusive relationship. If your current therapist(s) aren’t truly helping you then change therapists. They’re not all the same. Some are a better fit for you than others. It’s my opinion that they should not be focusing on the title you gave your relationship, the pet names you called one another, or the intimacy of expression you two shared. Focusing on these things only place a blame onto you since you agreed to the partnership and feel the different dynamic is tied to who you are as an individual. Regardless of feeling childlike, having been partnered with some who felt parental, therapists should be focusing on the actual trauma and abuse that ensued and working with you to understand that it isn’t your fault and that you will overcome the unhappiness.

DDLG partnerships aren’t inherently abusive. It’s very much a loving, compassionate partnership centered around acceptance and compassion. I believe the notion of it being abusive or harmful stems primarily from the misunderstanding that it’s some never-ending BDSM scene, where one person is always of strict authority, always to be highly respected at all times, while the other is voiceless, never given respect. We know that isn’t what our community is about though.

You should never be in a relationship where you are stripped of having a voice, opinions and desires. You should never feel like you’re being abused or be afraid of expressing your average thoughts to your partner. You should never be enduring abuse by your partner. Your partner should feel like your most trusted teammate, not an enemy you have to tiptoe around at times or risk being verbally or physically attacked.

It’s a sad thought but I believe that the idea of “being a submissive” evolved into the expectation of being voiceless at all times, at all costs, and that also never was a healthy notion that could be safely maintained. You may want to reconsider the idea that it could be an identity marker because it really isn’t. Littles are not the same as “submissives”. Being shy, hesitant, forgiving, or very giving in nature are not “being a submissive”. So many BDSM folks claiming to be “dominants” have lost the understanding of respect for their partners, misconstruing the relationship as a power-feast where a “submissive” exists purely to use up. In scenes with a beginning and end this may be okay but you cannot truly carry that out all day long, every single day and believe both partners are mentally well. In this day, it’s extremely difficult to find the “dominant” who cares for the happiness of the “submissive”. At the end of the day, BDSM is about scenes, acting out parts, and actions that lead to personal, sexual gratification. Rarely does that transform into meaning a long-term romantic partnership full of emotional exchanges and prioritizing one another.

CGL relationships are about love. A loving, partner who expresses their love in ways similar to that of a parent helps a childlike, sometimes insecure about their more adult expectations to grow more confident, make achievements, and celebrate even minor accomplishments. A childlike partner values their parental partner’s guidance and provides a deep expression love where the parental partner feels truly valued and, even perhaps, irreplaceable. It’s about making your partner feel special and valuable despite their different way of expressing their own feelings. It isn’t about keeping your partner in a place where they are ashamed of themselves, feel completely powerless and helpless, or become unable to think for themselves and their own well-being. Of course, you already know that’s how it should’ve gone with your previous relationship.

There will be people that we encounter in our lives that thrive for power. They want to feel important and disregard the well-being of others in achieving their desires. It isn’t a healthy mentality. It isn’t just within our community though. These people just naturally exist. The best we can do is work very hard to take our time to get to know individuals well before committing ourselves or our time to them or sharing a space with them. Even still, these people may later reveal their desires to manipulate, control, use, harm, and abuse others as time goes on. There isn’t anything the average person can do to help those individuals. They need extensive, professional therapy. You cannot fix your abuser. We can only remove ourselves from their lives and focus on our health and happiness, trusting that the mental health professionals will help the other person in time.

The best advice I can think of is to take time for yourself. Learn to better enjoy yourself while you heal and overcome what’s happened. Leave the person and past with them behind. Focus on yourself, uncovering and discovering all of the great things you are and can be. Try new things and have fun, new experiences with yourself right now. Don’t focus on the lack of a teammate right now. Right now, you only need you.

You may go through the stages of grief. Let yourself hurt and heal in your time. Try to keep your network of friends and family or work on building a healthy friend network. Join forums and groups for support. You may even have a local meeting for survivors of abuse in your area you could attend. Don’t rush yourself to know all of the answers, to feel comfortable about the abusive past you’ve had, or to hop back into a relationship. You’ll get to those spaces when it’s the right time for you :hugs:
#55985
It's abuse plain and simple. You don't feel safe, he screams and ditched you In an unfamiliar place that's not ok. Many counselors don't get kink but it's ok focus on the relationship and parts that make you feel bad, unsafe, question.

DDlg and little/Big relationships are just like any vanilla or S/m relationship. In the sense that respect, safety, and care for one another is expected. Take kink out of the dynamic and ask yourself "do I deserve to be treated like this?"
Or imagine your someone you love very much and imagine they're with ur Daddy and they're being treated the way you are would you tell them to stay ?
#55997
Hi, I'm a Daddy myself, and while you may not know what's "normal", you are absolutely right to get as far away from your ex as possible. He may think himself a Daddy, and he may call himself a Daddy, but that man is no Daddy and I for one would never trust him alone with my little for even a MOMENT.

I have some resources that may help you, if you want them- a PDF about the mentality of the abusive man called "Why Does He DO That?", which you can find and download on your own if you wish, I just am pretty sure I have a copy handy on my hard drive- and I know someone who has a list of kink-friendly therapists that he keeps on hand at all times that I can link you to, if you want it. A kink-aware and friendly therapist can make a massive difference: a therapist who understands that you use CG/l to build a deeply intimate and vulnerable relationship seeking support and to help you heal from childhood trauma is going to analyze your responses to it differently than a therapist who incorrectly believes that all power dynamic relationships are inherently setting yourself up for abuse, no matter if they're "regular" BDSM or a subset like petplay or CG/l.

You're, sadly, entirely correct about your ex being unsafe and the one who's in the wrong. From what you've said, he followed the pattern of most abusers: isolating you from any support group you may have had, including family, making himself seem perfect and beloved by anyone you might go to for help, and making you entirely dependent on him for shelter and food. You didn't share too many details, but assuming he followed the pattern to it's end, he also probably took control of any money you brought in to the household, having full control of a joint account or something similar, to keep you unable to access money for anything you might want to get. In a negotiated BDSM relationship this can seem normal, especially to someone inexperienced, but- I cannot speak for all Dominants, just for me, and I want my sub to have full access to our shared money and some that's just his, just in case of an emergency. What if I was visiting family in another state and, I don't know, the car at home needed new brakes or something else urgent and I can't just pay for new brakes from several states away? A good Dominant has to consider and plan for such possibilities, so denying the sub any access at all is a red flag. As an aside, we have a simple agreement: if he wants to spend more than 5 dollars on something, he just has to ask first so I know he's spending the money. He's still capable of accessing it at any time.

I'm very sorry this happened to you as your first experience with such an intense, incredibly vulnerable and deep relationship. Predators like to take advantage of the new and those who don't know the red flags, and who don't have large support networks they can reach out to before things get bad. But I can assure you you've done the right thing getting away from your ex, and that as far as what you've shared shows, you were a good little and a good sub, with a dangerous predator who preyed on you and pretended to be a Daddy. I hope you're able to heal, and able to continue your journey into healing your childhood trauma with someone you trust and is much safer for you, later. Take as much time as you need to recover and grieve- you built a life with this person, you trusted and loved and invested yourself in him before he destroyed everything.

Give yourself time to grieve your loss, because it is a deep and painful one. And do not, under any circumstances, trust your ex again. Don't let him bully, cajole, or bribe you into coming back, not even to get anything you might have been forced to leave behind- send in friends or hire a service to get the items, don't risk letting him get into your space and influence you again. I'd even go so far as to advise you delete him out of your contacts and get a new phone or number if that's possible, destroy every possible mode of contact he can use to get at you and try to persuade you to come back. Because if he can trick you into returning, he'll make it so, so much harder to get away a second time. If he can cage you, he will. He's made a mistake in abandoning you- in letting you see how abusive and dangerous he really is- and if you give him a chance to correct that and get his hands on you again, he won't make it a second time. For your own mental health, safety, and recovery, I'd suggest you tell him you're done and won't change your mind, then turn off the phone and possibly remove the SIM card so if it's on a phone plan of his he can't track you with it to your safe place.

Please keep yourself safe, friend.
#55999
Thank you so much. Please do send the list of kink friendly therapists my way, and resources. Sorry I am not saying more: It is only exhaustion and a lack of energy, as well as some depression. I appreciate this effort :craze:
#56002
You're very welcome! That's what a community is for! I wish I had more resources to offer, but the book on how abusers think can help you resist self-blaming because it tells you that abusers know exactly what they're doing, even if it's not obvious, and the tumblr where the kink-friendly therapists are has a LOT more resources on regular BDSM stuff such as tips for unowned subs to provide structure and self-care to prevent spiraling, lists of red flags, and healthy doses of advice from someone who's been in the lifestyle (if not in the CG/l part, he has said he is definitely not a Daddy and therefore his perspective shouldn't be treated as one) for 30+ years.

The website for finding kink-aware therapists: https://www.kapprofessionals.org/
The Tumblr where so many valuable resources can be found to be read when you have the time and energy: [We do not permit external social media links. Please relay relevant information here, within your own reply/post.]

And it's absolutely okay to be exhausted and depressed. You're grieving, as I said. I know you're doing your best, and taking it one day at a time. One hour, one article, one minute, one post at a time when you have to, because that's how it is when we grieve and hurt. I believe you'll be okay, in the long run, with a community to support you through this patch, no matter how rough it gets. The resources tag on Graywolf ([We do not permit external social media links. Please relay relevant information here, within your own reply/post.]'s) tumblr also has the domestic abuse hotline number and advice from people who've gotten away from abusive partners before, so you know you're not alone, and that there are things you can do to stay safe and protect yourself. They'll help, those people who've been where you are, that's why they wrote guides. You'll make it through, and be stronger for this terrible experience.
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