Caregivers, Mommies, Daddies, adult babies, middles, babyfur, diaperfur, and all other Bigs and littles discuss regression, relationship dynamics, have open group conversation, share experienced advice, and exchange ideas to help one another grow in knowledge.
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#55944
Hello.

I am very new to this forum. I would like to start by saying I am in a safe place (for now), have reached out to counselors and resources in my area, and am aware this might be triggering for some readers.

I fell in mad love with my daddy figure; we were childhood sweethearts knew each other for twenty years. He reconnected with me again and spoiled and adored me. He flew me across the country to depend on him; I felt very safe, loved, and happy at first. I model / work in entertainment, and make music. He is a working class kind of guy. We have a history of shared trauma, and our connection was the most intense of my life.

Gradually this person changed and became unsafe. He crossed boundaries we established, and bossed me around (not in a good, nurturing way, but in a cruel way with no comfort after). He shouted a lot and became threatening, (sometimes physically), and finally, he dumped me off alone in the parking lot of a motel, screaming at me at the top of his lungs. He has abandoned the relationship , and me, but has gone back and forth on a daily basis if he wants to get back together or not.

I have no family, other than my younger brothers, who I raised my self.

I am confused because I held up to my end of the deal. I was submissive, behaved, accommodated his emotional needs in and out of the kink rules, and did everything for him. On top of that, I was beautiful, in good shape, and cute...but he completely cut off my emotional supply, words of affirmation, validation and spoiling etc.

During the breakup he did not even address my little identity; he is cruel and harsh and cold as if I had several affairs or was at fault for everything...as if I am a threatening, dominant person and not a faithful sub/ little at all. Since my age regression is trauma related, it is deeply horrifying.

I feel like a little girl at a bus stop in one sock looking for the person who loves me but he is gone.

I try to talk to counselors about the DDLG but they don't understand; they think that is naturally abusive. And I can't get proper guidance from them. I have never talked to another little girl or another daddy/dom before besides this one, so I don't know what normal is.

I am so scared. Please let me know if you have any advice. I keep waiting for him to play with me and even holding my toys does not comfort me; it makes me ill. Please let me know if you understand.
#55949
I am so sorry you’ve experienced such an abusive person. Please, distance yourself as much as humanly possible from your abuser. Clearly, he isn’t fit to be in a relationship and has a lot to work on himself. Please, focus on getting well.

skyglass wrote: 1 week ago ...so I don't know what normal is.
You do know what’s normal in a relationship though. CGL is no different. It’s okay to trust yourself. What’s happened feels wrong because you know it’s wrong. You are smarter about these things than you may realize. Feeling abused or taken advantage of isn’t how any relationship should make you feel. You know this :hugs:

Seeking therapy is a great decision when exiting an abusive relationship. If your current therapist(s) aren’t truly helping you then change therapists. They’re not all the same. Some are a better fit for you than others. It’s my opinion that they should not be focusing on the title you gave your relationship, the pet names you called one another, or the intimacy of expression you two shared. Focusing on these things only place a blame onto you since you agreed to the partnership and feel the different dynamic is tied to who you are as an individual. Regardless of feeling childlike, having been partnered with some who felt parental, therapists should be focusing on the actual trauma and abuse that ensued and working with you to understand that it isn’t your fault and that you will overcome the unhappiness.

DDLG partnerships aren’t inherently abusive. It’s very much a loving, compassionate partnership centered around acceptance and compassion. I believe the notion of it being abusive or harmful stems primarily from the misunderstanding that it’s some never-ending BDSM scene, where one person is always of strict authority, always to be highly respected at all times, while the other is voiceless, never given respect. We know that isn’t what our community is about though.

You should never be in a relationship where you are stripped of having a voice, opinions and desires. You should never feel like you’re being abused or be afraid of expressing your average thoughts to your partner. You should never be enduring abuse by your partner. Your partner should feel like your most trusted teammate, not an enemy you have to tiptoe around at times or risk being verbally or physically attacked.

It’s a sad thought but I believe that the idea of “being a submissive” evolved into the expectation of being voiceless at all times, at all costs, and that also never was a healthy notion that could be safely maintained. You may want to reconsider the idea that it could be an identity marker because it really isn’t. Littles are not the same as “submissives”. Being shy, hesitant, forgiving, or very giving in nature are not “being a submissive”. So many BDSM folks claiming to be “dominants” have lost the understanding of respect for their partners, misconstruing the relationship as a power-feast where a “submissive” exists purely to use up. In scenes with a beginning and end this may be okay but you cannot truly carry that out all day long, every single day and believe both partners are mentally well. In this day, it’s extremely difficult to find the “dominant” who cares for the happiness of the “submissive”. At the end of the day, BDSM is about scenes, acting out parts, and actions that lead to personal, sexual gratification. Rarely does that transform into meaning a long-term romantic partnership full of emotional exchanges and prioritizing one another.

CGL relationships are about love. A loving, partner who expresses their love in ways similar to that of a parent helps a childlike, sometimes insecure about their more adult expectations to grow more confident, make achievements, and celebrate even minor accomplishments. A childlike partner values their parental partner’s guidance and provides a deep expression love where the parental partner feels truly valued and, even perhaps, irreplaceable. It’s about making your partner feel special and valuable despite their different way of expressing their own feelings. It isn’t about keeping your partner in a place where they are ashamed of themselves, feel completely powerless and helpless, or become unable to think for themselves and their own well-being. Of course, you already know that’s how it should’ve gone with your previous relationship.

There will be people that we encounter in our lives that thrive for power. They want to feel important and disregard the well-being of others in achieving their desires. It isn’t a healthy mentality. It isn’t just within our community though. These people just naturally exist. The best we can do is work very hard to take our time to get to know individuals well before committing ourselves or our time to them or sharing a space with them. Even still, these people may later reveal their desires to manipulate, control, use, harm, and abuse others as time goes on. There isn’t anything the average person can do to help those individuals. They need extensive, professional therapy. You cannot fix your abuser. We can only remove ourselves from their lives and focus on our health and happiness, trusting that the mental health professionals will help the other person in time.

The best advice I can think of is to take time for yourself. Learn to better enjoy yourself while you heal and overcome what’s happened. Leave the person and past with them behind. Focus on yourself, uncovering and discovering all of the great things you are and can be. Try new things and have fun, new experiences with yourself right now. Don’t focus on the lack of a teammate right now. Right now, you only need you.

You may go through the stages of grief. Let yourself hurt and heal in your time. Try to keep your network of friends and family or work on building a healthy friend network. Join forums and groups for support. You may even have a local meeting for survivors of abuse in your area you could attend. Don’t rush yourself to know all of the answers, to feel comfortable about the abusive past you’ve had, or to hop back into a relationship. You’ll get to those spaces when it’s the right time for you :hugs:
#55985
It's abuse plain and simple. You don't feel safe, he screams and ditched you In an unfamiliar place that's not ok. Many counselors don't get kink but it's ok focus on the relationship and parts that make you feel bad, unsafe, question.

DDlg and little/Big relationships are just like any vanilla or S/m relationship. In the sense that respect, safety, and care for one another is expected. Take kink out of the dynamic and ask yourself "do I deserve to be treated like this?"
Or imagine your someone you love very much and imagine they're with ur Daddy and they're being treated the way you are would you tell them to stay ?
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