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I'm sorry if this is not the right place for this.
I truly think I've only been in love once. It sounds totally ridiculous, but I am an incredibly tough person, I can usually cut feelings off in a second. I absolutely never cry, not for anything.
I met her here, which is why, I guess, I am posting this here.
I don't in any way want to mention a name or anything because I want nothing for the best for her, I want her to be so happy.
Everything was so amazing, for so long. I still go back & reread our messages & I can only pray to god that she never unfriends me so that I won't be able to see them anymore.
Everything changed when she went away, & I did too, we were doing things that restricted our ability to communicate, but we sent letters.
I don't know what I did wrong. It's embarrassing now to look back & see how stupid I was for her, I wrote as much as I could, & when it became impossible for me to send letters from my location I wrote them in a journal to send to her when I could reach an American post office again.
When she returned everything had changed, she didn't want to speak to me, she didn't want anything to do with me.
Her messages were tense & cold.
I know she was going through so much on her own, there is so much I wish I could have helped her with, but we were both young & going through our own things.
I don't think I will ever be able to think about her without crying.
It would be very long periods of time of her ignoring my messages and when she would reply she would only ask very basic things & I totally should have known. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't.
When she told me she was in a relationship-- a very happy one, I was at work. I saw the notification on my apple watch. After months of not hearing from her, I had received a message before my shift just responding to one of my old messages. I remember how excited I would feel just to see her name pop up on my screen, then to receive that I felt like I had been stabbed. All I remember was crying in front of a poor client who asked me if I was okay which only made me cry harder. Thank god by that time it was time for my break where I ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was only because I truly never cry so the sensation of it was definitely shocking to my body.
I remember just desperately wondering what I had done wrong. I will forever I think. I've been in other relationships but nothing has made me feel like this before. I will always remember her birthday, her favorite color, her favorite animal.
I still cry about it now even if I do not think of her everyday all it takes is one thing to set me hurtling back to that moment crying in the bathroom of my stupid job.
I did not know where else to put this & I know this is a mess of a post, but I needed to write this out. It's been two years since things "changed" & 6 months since the last time I heard from her. No one in my life would or could listen to me talk about this & I think it is impeding me from growing. So if I am talking to no one at least this gives me the illusion of talking to someone.
I don't know how to let her go & I don't think I ever will.
Again, I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here.
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