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I'm on the verge of having a anxiety attack cus I finally spoke to my mom about stopping my course. And now I'm worried that Da won't want me anymore cus I gonna work and take clases instead of doing it. That and my mom brought it up and now I'm panicking. Is it jus cus its nursing and I'll make more money? Why don't they understand that I don't care about making alot of money? Why doesn't anyone undersand me? I want to do what makes me happy and doing what my mom says, just so she won't be disappoited isn't enough. I know I wil be disappointing everyone because they all seem to have this expectation of me, but I just a normal even if slightly weird and soft little girl.

I'm not as strong as they seem to think. I don't know why anyone would think I'm this strong person, when I'm so extremely weak that I'd hide from the world. You'd think that years of me prefering to stay home locked up in my room with my curtains drawn, would clue them in. But then again, probably I should do a visit to a psychiatrist and let my family know my issues. I'm not telling them before that, in case they take it as a joke or me making an excuse when I'm not. That would just make me even more depressed.

I don't want to be a nurse. I have abandonment issues and not and the number of persons I care about is 7 or 8. That's what my life is like. So when your own mother, who seem so far away and distant all your life, suddenly takes an interest and even more so when you decide to do something she approves of, you do it. And that's what I did. I deluded myself by trying to find a common ground. I love kids, lets become a pediatrician then. I forgot, in all my delusions, that a reason like wanting to take better care of my future children wouldn't be enough. Well I know that now. In just three months, probably not even that, I almost went back to having suicidal thoughts after finally getting better. I understand that many may want the opportunity that I got, and I'll pray with all I have that they get it, but this is no way to live my life. I was told I was giving up too quickly, but the thing is, I did give it a chance. I was ready to stop from the second month began, but I thought I was overthinking. I thought it was just because of the change. But I forgot how adaptable I can be.

My self- esteem is none existent basically. Either that or it fluctuates so badly that I can't even grasp it. The highest my self esteem has ever been was being told I looked beautiful, and that was only because I looked in the mirror one day and thought, 'yeah. I guess I look kinda cute today.' Years ago, I hardly looked at my face in a mirror. Sure I combed my hair but fixed my clothes, but I didn't used to look myself in the eye. That's how low it was. So when my mom brought up whether or not Da wuld stay with me... I don't even know. I wouldn't take someones word over his, especially when that person isn't involved, but I can't help my self doubt. Will I be abandoned? Am I going to be alone again? Will I run away? Questions like that.

Basically, my life has no meaning besides keeping those I care about happy by not dying. Is it so hard to want to at aleast be happy myself, even if it's not with some fancy degree or job? It's not like I'm giving up on going to school or getting a degree. I love school and I always let people know that, but I can't do it. Not again. I can't do that to myself and the people I care about. Because I know where this is going. And this time, I don't need to think how I'm going to do it since I did already, years ago. I heard there was this injection though, and I can even donate my organs. I wonder if that's possible? I thought about it before too, but I wasn't an adult then.

-SIGH- I'm just depressing myself and I only wanted to rant again where I could probably get help, instead of writing in a book no one reads. :sick: Am I a bad person?

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