[Alpha_baby_swItch]

So, my Daddy dumped me a little over a month ago.

We're both addicted. I have been struggling, but I haven't used or hurt my self with self injury.

My former Daddy on the other hand has had a really hard time. Not that I haven't, but mine has been more around suicidal ideation. He's been drinking and I think maybe using some pills. It's scary because he has been to some pretty out of control places in his life, places my drug use just never went (yet). I am afraid of losing him. Like, in a life or death way. He's not a drug user - he's a drug addict, and it just ends up being a death run with people like us.

I love him and I'm also still in love with him. The way I see it, the "in love" part is my cross to bear - we can't be together right now, he apparently doesn't want to be, and it's my responsibility to deal with my feelings in a healthy / healthier way. But I also love him - like, regardless of our relation to one another. He was my brother in recovery first. And I know part of why he's losing his snailpoop is because it was in our relation with each other, the first one that felt so right, that we both discovered that this is right for us, that it's not a "lifestyle" or "something we do," it IS us. It's like how I'm bisexual; it's what we are. And now it's gone.

His people tell me to maintain radio silence. They say that I shouldn't speak to him, that it wouldn't be helpful, that he needs to seek his own spiritual solution. I have maintained no contact since we waved goodbye. I needed (and still need) time to deal with my feelings, and seek my own spiritual path without reliance on another. But now I find out he's been out there. That he's been in the hospital. People tell me he looks awful. I am scared. I've lost people to drugs and horrible accidents. I can't imagine what it would be like to get a call he's dead, to never speak again, to never hear his voice again. Sure, I'm angry about some things, but I'll get over it with time. It's nothing compared to love and loyalty, which have nothing to do with sex or romance or whether someone is my boyfriend or whatever.

He was super closeted about this whole thing. His people don't know what we were, not really, and even if they heard the words they wouldn't understand them. My therapist barely does (she thinks I could send him a card).

I think there's a big difference between pouring out my heart, the whole of it, and writing something like, keep your head up, please don't die, or the like. I've had times in my life when just knowing someone didn't hate me was so helpful. On the other hand, I don't want to give him a flashback or a memory and push him over the edge.

I dunno if anyone, addicts or friends/lovers of addicts, has some thoughts here. I wish we were together. I wish we'd get married. But way, way more than either of those things, I wish we'd live - together or apart - and it'd be nice to have a shot at being happy, however that happens.

Just trying to separate my selfishness, in either direction, from my actual ability to help someone.

[teddyNdummy]

HUGELY inappropriate answer, daddyjames12 - a completely selfish and gross comment to somebody asking for help. Alpha, I am so sorry for that comment, but moreso I am so sorry for your situation.

I'm afraid I don't have much wisdom to impart on the addiction front. However, I can understand the dark, depressed, suicidal thoughts and how hard it can be to try and keep your head above water. Unfortunately I don;t think there is any 'right' answer here, no correct path of action to take. I think your therapist's idea of writing a card is sort of a good one, but take it further: Write an old fashioned letter. Tell him you are worried and would like to help. And then... well, then it's up to him whether he wants to read it or not. Talking to him in person, he doesn't have a choice whether he hears you or not. At least if you write a letter, he can choose IF he wants to read it, and WHEN. I think offering help is a kind and unselfish thing to do. You may still love him, and as you say that is a heavy burden for you to deal with, but wanting him to be okay and wanting to help him is unselfish.

I am very glad you are doing better and haven't begun a spiral downwards to substance misuse. I know it must be a very, very difficult time for you and am also glad to hear you are seeing a therapist too. I hope they are helping. A break up is always a really painful and emotional journey, and always made harder if you've got baggage already. I wish you luck in your journey. Hopefully some others here on the site might have something more constructive to say than me. Take care of yourself.

[Alpha_baby_swItch]

Thanks so much for writing back. It IS hard for me. I went to partial hospitalization today for suicidality, and it wasn't helpful at all. I have my own major league issues to contend with, that is for sure.

One thing about "wanting to help" - I'm a little scared and don't know how to phrase it, because I would like to help, but at the same time I don't know how much I can listen to him or be there and support him when I'm in agonies because I'm in love with him. I am also a recovering codependent, so it makes me a little nervous, too.

Also I'm not going to enable him in anything. I think that would be bad for both of us. I have never known him when he's in a bad way like this. I don't know what I'm going to encounter. I would definitely drive him to detox or the hospital, or his moms, if he needed it, but the whole idea with drugs is that life gets hard when you use them, and then hopefully you quit and make some changes, so... idk.

My thought is more like, he broke up with me, and I was obviously heartbroken. I still am. But I'm just worried that he thinks he's a piece of s*it or something. One time he told me his biggest fear is that he is fundamentally unloveable, and that isn't true. I know people who have died over less, tho. So I'm wondering if I can write something to help with that. Or if all of this is just me trying to get back with him on some level, and if so, how to compensate for that... or continue to endure the silence, which is getting harder and harder.

Thx again