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Something happened to me when I was about ten years old and I thought it didn't matter, until I started having all sorts of mental problems and nowhere to connect them to. Probably should have known better since I had my first suicidal thought then because it turns out I was wrong, as it's now affecting me. Due to what happened, I ended up afraid of men or shying away from them for years, although I didn't know I was doing it at first. Then all the males I met after didn't exactly give me any faith in their 'species', as I called them then, although I went to an all girls catholic school so bare in mind I didn't meet many of them. Just enough to stay even further away. At one point, I decided that if I ever had kids, it'd be through IVF, artificial insemination or adoption because it probably never find someone. This is perhaps the base of my issues but I wouldn't know as I haven't tried therapy yet.

Currently, I suffer from moderate to major depression, or a recent term I picked up, atypical depression. I had it for a bit over two years, one and a half of which was spent recouperating in the country and hoping to feel better and no longer suicidal because that's what I was. After which I spent another half a year there with my family before getting a job. I thought I was better but then I realised that I ended up with anxiety after overcoming my depression. I should have noticed in that half a year, when I ended up in a corner or curled up in a ball a few times and but I didn't because it wasn't so bad at first.

While working, I was okay for a while. Then I started talking to a guy, not Da, and my parents were angry with me for not letting anyone know where I was when I was going places with him. Worried as they were, I suffered my first severe anxiety attack that day and started blocking out the world and ended up regressing on the spot. I didn't remember much besides mild disorientation in my regresssed state but when I was out of my headspace, that's when I realised that what happened wasn't normal and that I have had them before, just not as bad. I'm still not sure if the shock of what happened was the cause for what was a series of random anxiety attacks, bordering on panic attacks, I had in the month to come. All of that got better somewhat, almost gone really, when I started dating Da.

I was okay once again, or as okay as I could be with so many issues. Until I had to move away from Da to go back to school. At first, I thought that it was because I was now living on my own, and sure that could have had something to do with it, but that didn't sound quite right. I thought it was because I was going back to school after so long, but that wasn't quite right either since I was looking forward to going back to school again. Then recently, I realised. With that anxiety attack, my depression came back, I just didn't notice because Da came into my life not long after and I thought I was okay because he made everything better when I was with him. Everything was still there, and without Da to help me feel better, I couldn't even regress properly most times. I didn't want to leave the house for any reason, not even class. My course, I wasn't completely happy with it to begin with but I felt even less motivation and perhaps I'll even be dropping it by the end of the year, who knows?

I spent and still spend most of my life indoor and if I don't have to leave the house, I won't. Now, I would if it's with Da or my family sometimes. And I'm almost certain that I have bipolar disorder or something similar but I'm not entirely sure because I don't know about being irritabe in my hyper state. At least, not that I'm aware of because I always try to be nice.

I'm really not sure what to do. I don't feel up to going to school. In fact, I'd prefer to work and go back to school next year. I don't really want to do that course, not right now and my mentality isn't the best to be learning nursing right now. I wonder if would still be able to take the exam if my issues were known and how much they affect me. I would have been better with Da though.

I just wanted to rant for a bit while sharing a bit of my story, but if anyone has any advice, it'd be most appreciated. :sick:
Honestly I don't have much in terms of advice for you. It seems like you are really nailing down some of your problems and working on fixing them which is super admirable (:

You seem like a super nice and amazing person. I just wanted to let you know that I read your entire post. I always feel better when I talk about things im experiencing in my life, and it's nice to just type it all out sometimes.
Everything is going to be Ok <3
Trauma can be hard to work through, especially childhood trauma and I'm very glad that you're introspecting and doing your best to seek help and work on things. I've had to deal with most of my trauma on my own as well. When going through depression its good to combat it with happy/positive prospective even if you're not feeling happy or not feeling anything. identify and count the things you're grateful for. Make sure you have a support system and someone to talk to whenever you're having a particularly bad day. If you feel like you have no one then don't be afraid to make new connections, or rant to a stranger lol.

Depression can be a manifestation of a build up in stress as well so, sometimes the thoughts you're thinking are untrue. your brain is working against you to elicit an emotional response in order to release some of that pent up stress. Sometimes you have to let it run its course like the flu. Identify things that are causing you stress and ease up on them if possible. Go to war with your brain if you have to because you deserve to be happy and at peace. at your core you know this as well. tap into that energy. most of all forgive yourself. We're all human. We're all going to firetruck up, overthink, go through snailpoop, but your Existence is Sacred, unique, and beautiful.
The goal is to get better. even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment things will always get better. Life goes in cycles like that. for every moment you've ever felt miserable you will feel just as happy. patience and optimism is key.
Thank you everyone. For the support. Thank you lots :hugs: .
I think this is just the best and only way I can xpress my gratitude. Unless I make a card of course ::3:

:cold: So cold right nows ddow, I think I catching the flus :sick:

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