- 4 weeks ago
Caregiving is much like parenting in many ways. Parents determine their parenting style and what is and is not okay on how they interact with their child(ren). That being said, not feeling like kissing during your partner’s regression is perfectly okay, and can be a part of your mock parenting style. You don’t need to kiss or touch in any way that doesn’t feel “right” to you. You should let your partner know your stance on this so it can be discussed, but you both should keep in mind that it isn’t mandatory to do to be able to take good care of your regressive partner.
Just let me tell you, I’ve been in the community since about 2001, and I’ve been with my partners for over 3 years now. I’ve never “made out” with them. While I have kissed them, they have never kissed me (not even a “kiss back”). We established early on that we weren’t interested in a dynamic where the “child” would’ve been taught to kiss the “parent”. Even so, I didn’t kiss them on the mouth until somewhat recently—again, it just wasn’t in our dynamic previously for me to feel comfortable kissing “my babies”. Now, our dynamic has changed, and it’ll continue to change as we grow together, so something like this is to be discussed every now and again. I’m confident in this enough to say that my partners feel I’m a good Caregiver.
There is nothing wrong with replicating normal, healthy parenting decisions when it comes to regression and caregiving.
Remember that not all parents are overly affectionate with their child(ren) but they are still great parents. Not all Caregivers are overly affectionate, and that’s something that everyone needs to accept as okay. Parents don’t need to kiss their child(ren), and children don’t need to be kissed. Parents don’t need to rub their child(ren)’s back(s) and children don’t need that either. Littles also don’t need these things to have fulfilling experience and moments with their Caregiver.
In the biological parenting world many parents don’t watch cartoons alongside their children too frequently. Most parents don’t play with toys frequently with their children. Most parents don’t feed their children macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets just because the child wants them every night. Many Littles even seem to forget these more realistic points, believing that a Caregiver will be their parent, partner, and playmate in servitude at all times when even in reality very few people are capable of being all of those things all of the time.
Many Littles develop ideal fantasies of extremes about how they’d be re-parented. It can be unhealthy if the little loses recognition that their Caregiver is also a human with their own set of desires, beliefs, and personality. This is where healthy compromise needs to exist.
You aren’t alone in having things like kissing or touching boundaries. You aren’t a “bad” Caregiver for having boundaries that coincide with parenting choices.
Based on a few things that have been said I feel like your partner might actually be the one that needs to work on themselves. Making statements like having “no faith” in your capability to tend to him while regressed absolutely disgusts me and I, personally, would’ve been so incredibly hurt by such a selfish statement meant to degrade me rather than uplift and encourage me into my newfound role. I am so sorry that you haven’t been embraced and encouraged, and have been pushed away to figure all of this out by yourself. It’s no wonder you feel confused and lack confidence! Of course you’d feel anxious (chest hurting) during his regression when he’s not praised you for your acceptance and involvement. You’re accepting him but he isn’t accepting you. That’s scary to experience!
You give me the impression that you are a natural Caregiver. You have been working at this obscure thing that your partner has identified as, and in a way where you want to help them and make them happy. Wanting that is such a large part of true caregiving! Just because you’re not “experienced” or refined doesn’t mean your desire is worthless. Just because you’re not directly from someone else’s ideal fantasy doesn’t mean you aren’t a great caregiver. The intention matters.
I have a feeling that your partner may not want any interaction while regressed and is saying hurtful things to keep you to stay back, may be embarrassed by their regression and instead of personally working to feel more comfortable is throwing their insecurities onto you to keep you from getting too close and interested yourself, is wanting strictly to act out fantastical scenes where their caregiver is much like a trained servant to a child they’re acting as versus an emotionally close partner tending to them as a parent, or is hoping to push you in the direction of allowing them to introduce another person into the relationship under the guise that they’d just be a Caregiver to them. Your partner may need a reality check that not all Littles are the same. Not all caregivers are the same. Not all children or parents are the same. Not all child rearing or caregiving is done the same. Maybe your partner needs to put down the fantasy stories and have a little reality check.
Perhaps you can discuss with your partner your interest in pursuing caregiving more with him, and that he needs to be supportive and think more positively about your style in that. I feel like with just a little encouragement and positive reinforcement you’d feel wonderful about your role as a caregiver. Perhaps having him join a real community such as this can help him with his understanding your need to be embraced for what you’re trying to offer him.
You can also contact me at littlespaceonline @ gmail.com if you can't reach me here!