New, inexperienced, and recently discovered adult babies, regressors, littles, and Caregivers ask for perspectives, advice, tips, and information from more knowledgeable friends.
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Hi, I am Autumn. I recently found out my boyfriend of 4 years is an age regreesor and have been having so much trouble feeling comfortable with it. He claims that he does not want me to be his CG, but I know that he does. he tells me that I should stop trying to feel okay with it, but he wants to marry me and live with me so I kinda need to get used to being there for him. He's told me that he has no faith in me and its really weighing on me. I've reached out to others about this but to no avail and I'm starting to lose my mind. Please, someone. I really need all the help I can get.
NeedingHelpALOT wrote: 8 months ago Hi, I am Autumn. I recently found out my boyfriend of 4 years is an age regreesor and have been having so much trouble feeling comfortable with it. ...
Hi, Autumn! :hi:

I can understand your partner’s reveal may be surprising, especially after 4 years. I’d like to know more specifically what feels uncomfortable about your partner regressing. Could you please give some clear examples of what you’re thinking of when you make that statement? I feel strongly that the points you can list may be vital to understanding what sort of advice is needed.

Also, please know that you are welcomed to read through our educational articles to learn more or use to formulate more specific questions:

Hey, some specific points would be that I'm uncomfortable touching and stuff while he's in. I just think I wouldn't kiss a child like that, so why would I do that with him when regressed? I mean kissing anywhere, like the cheeks or the lips, not anything more than that because for us that is definitely a BIG no, even for him. He really wants me to be able to kiss and hug him, but I'm uncomfortable with that and I have told him this on many occasions both in and out that I am. I do not hide that it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to lie to him.
When he goes in he changes quite a bit and it makes me really anxious, especially not being used to it. He went in again tonight and it made my chest hurt a lot. I don't know why it makes me feel so nervous, but I cant help it. He told me about a year and a half ago but I ignored it for a year and have been trying to get acquainted with it for the past six months. I know he does it for comfort, and i know why it is, but it makes me feel so anxious. Its hard to handle and there is seriously no resources for people in my situation. I haven't found a single place that will help someone in the CG position that is completely new to it and currently uncomfortable. Ive been searching for months.
Thanks for Helping. I really need it.
Caregiving is much like parenting in many ways. Parents determine their parenting style and what is and is not okay on how they interact with their child(ren). That being said, not feeling like kissing during your partner’s regression is perfectly okay, and can be a part of your mock parenting style. You don’t need to kiss or touch in any way that doesn’t feel “right” to you. You should let your partner know your stance on this so it can be discussed, but you both should keep in mind that it isn’t mandatory to do to be able to take good care of your regressive partner.

Just let me tell you, I’ve been in the community since about 2001, and I’ve been with my partners for over 3 years now. I’ve never “made out” with them. While I have kissed them, they have never kissed me (not even a “kiss back”). We established early on that we weren’t interested in a dynamic where the “child” would’ve been taught to kiss the “parent”. Even so, I didn’t kiss them on the mouth until somewhat recently—again, it just wasn’t in our dynamic previously for me to feel comfortable kissing “my babies”. Now, our dynamic has changed, and it’ll continue to change as we grow together, so something like this is to be discussed every now and again. I’m confident in this enough to say that my partners feel I’m a good Caregiver.
There is nothing wrong with replicating normal, healthy parenting decisions when it comes to regression and caregiving.

Remember that not all parents are overly affectionate with their child(ren) but they are still great parents. Not all Caregivers are overly affectionate, and that’s something that everyone needs to accept as okay. Parents don’t need to kiss their child(ren), and children don’t need to be kissed. Parents don’t need to rub their child(ren)’s back(s) and children don’t need that either. Littles also don’t need these things to have fulfilling experience and moments with their Caregiver.

In the biological parenting world many parents don’t watch cartoons alongside their children too frequently. Most parents don’t play with toys frequently with their children. Most parents don’t feed their children macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets just because the child wants them every night. Many Littles even seem to forget these more realistic points, believing that a Caregiver will be their parent, partner, and playmate in servitude at all times when even in reality very few people are capable of being all of those things all of the time.

Many Littles develop ideal fantasies of extremes about how they’d be re-parented. It can be unhealthy if the little loses recognition that their Caregiver is also a human with their own set of desires, beliefs, and personality. This is where healthy compromise needs to exist.

You aren’t alone in having things like kissing or touching boundaries. You aren’t a “bad” Caregiver for having boundaries that coincide with parenting choices.

Based on a few things that have been said I feel like your partner might actually be the one that needs to work on themselves. Making statements like having “no faith” in your capability to tend to him while regressed absolutely disgusts me and I, personally, would’ve been so incredibly hurt by such a selfish statement meant to degrade me rather than uplift and encourage me into my newfound role. I am so sorry that you haven’t been embraced and encouraged, and have been pushed away to figure all of this out by yourself. It’s no wonder you feel confused and lack confidence! Of course you’d feel anxious (chest hurting) during his regression when he’s not praised you for your acceptance and involvement. You’re accepting him but he isn’t accepting you. That’s scary to experience!

You give me the impression that you are a natural Caregiver. You have been working at this obscure thing that your partner has identified as, and in a way where you want to help them and make them happy. Wanting that is such a large part of true caregiving! Just because you’re not “experienced” or refined doesn’t mean your desire is worthless. Just because you’re not directly from someone else’s ideal fantasy doesn’t mean you aren’t a great caregiver. The intention matters.

I have a feeling that your partner may not want any interaction while regressed and is saying hurtful things to keep you to stay back, may be embarrassed by their regression and instead of personally working to feel more comfortable is throwing their insecurities onto you to keep you from getting too close and interested yourself, is wanting strictly to act out fantastical scenes where their caregiver is much like a trained servant to a child they’re acting as versus an emotionally close partner tending to them as a parent, or is hoping to push you in the direction of allowing them to introduce another person into the relationship under the guise that they’d just be a Caregiver to them. Your partner may need a reality check that not all Littles are the same. Not all caregivers are the same. Not all children or parents are the same. Not all child rearing or caregiving is done the same. Maybe your partner needs to put down the fantasy stories and have a little reality check.

Perhaps you can discuss with your partner your interest in pursuing caregiving more with him, and that he needs to be supportive and think more positively about your style in that. I feel like with just a little encouragement and positive reinforcement you’d feel wonderful about your role as a caregiver. Perhaps having him join a real community such as this can help him with his understanding your need to be embraced for what you’re trying to offer him.
Have you ever babysat kids before? Color with them play games etc? Take it slow. He needs you there for him when in and out of little space. And trust me, trying to explain that you're a little to someone is not easy. I recently came to terms with being a little myself and as I got more knowledge and information that is when I talked to my fiance about it.
Be there for him and show him you're okay with him being a little. Ask him what he would like to do while he is in littlespace. My fiance is slowly understanding it as well as myself. He doesnt act as my daddy and feels me calling him daddy would be weird but he colors with me and now watches every Disney movie there is (he loves frozen) and he just surprised me with 2 new sippy cups because mine broke and leaked aaallll over the bed.

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