[NikkiLittle]

Hello. I just joined this forum looking for advice. My daddy is far away and we have a 6 hour time difference. It started off so strong in August 2018 and we have such a deep connection. He’s always been great at emotional support. I have anxiety and he never acts like that’s a burden on him. Or he didn’t... until recently. Daddy travels a lot for work. I try to be respectful and understanding when he gets busy. He has two kids (grown now) as well so I always assume they take priority and I do not feel jealous when he’s spending time with them. But a lot more and more lately he has just been disappearing for hours and he doesn’t take time to let me know he’ll be away or when he might be back. I’ve told him how I feel about this and I’m getting some pretty cold and condescending responses like, “I was with people and I can’t message when I’m with people.” Or “I can’t always chat with you whenever you want.” Or just saying he’s been busy with work. It’s just that none of this mattered before. I would understand if he’d take even a minute to say he’s going out and will be back soon or something but he doesn’t, and then I feel really guilty for bringing up that it upset me. Just yesterday he had to leave on a big trip where he will not have phone data for a while. I asked him three or four times if he would say goodbye before taking off on the plane and he sort of kept brushing it off and then when I basically forced a goodbye out of him it was just a one word “bye” sticker. No kisses, no hearts, no I’ll miss you, no I’ll talk to you soon baby. Just bye. And he’s gone now and never told me when he’d be back in service area so I don’t know when he’s coming back. I’m so hurt and I’m so tired of feeling hurt. I want him back but I can’t force him to want me anymore and I’m so devastated. I don’t know what to say to him. I think he’s done with me and doesn’t have the decency to say. I’m so crushed and wish I’d never met him or found DDLG. I loved him so much, but it doesn’t seem like he loves me back anymore. I don’t know what I can say to him or what to do. So here I am.

Other info, daddy is 20 years older than me.

[LittleLoliFur]

Hi Nikki,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your daddy is a huge meanie butt right now. However, we can't jump to conclusions. Yes, it could be he's done and doesn't have the balls to say so. But it could also be that he's experiencing caregiver burnout. There's a really helpful pay in this for about it. You say you've been dating a little over a year, and I know it can be really easy to think that that's a long time, but the "honeymoon phase" can actually last up to 2 years. And unfortunately people fade out of it at different rates. It could be a combination of burnout and just the natural fading of the puppy love phase. Whenever he gets phone signal again, I encourage you to ask him if anything has been bothering him, it stressing him in regard to the relationship. Come from a standpoint of wanting to help him and be there for him. Even though you have a cgl dynamic, you're still partners and should act like it. However, if he has decided to ghost you in this manner (and unfortunately only time will tell if that's the case) then SCREW HIM. We don't need daddies to be littles, and we don't need them to be happy! We're awesome for being little and WE make us happy. Surround yourself with things that make you feel tiny and happy. For me, I love everything pastel and sparkly. Whatever things make you happy, get them, do them, enjoy them! If this is how he's going to do you then he doesn't deserve the illustrious title of Daddy. If you're going to have a caregiver, it'll be someone who knows a little's worth, YOUR worth, and treat you like the cutey, snugglebutt you are, and he will be worthy of being called your Daddy. I wish you luck! Stay tiny and cute!

[LittleLoliFur]

Yes, it could be he's done and doesn't have the balls to say so. But it could also be that he's experiencing caregiver burnout. There's a really helpful pay in this for about it.

Really good post on this site. Swipe text is hard.

[NikkiLittle]

Thank you so much! That was very very helpful and encouraging thank you I will try to talk to him when he gets back. Even if he gets signal there and checks in I don’t want to overwhelm him since he may not have a lot of time to talk anyway until he is home.

[Motherly]

I have just a few quick things I wanted to jot down to you about this situation between you and your partner. The first and foremost thing I feel is important is to not peg your partner a being “the bad guy” just because he’s been less than ideal lately or compared to that of previous. Beyond that, you will need to be willing to have a few not-so-fun, necessary conversations. Maybe more than a few of those conversations. A relationship cannot survive if you’re not on the same team, willing to work as a team. Teamwork means communication, compromise, and care.

Think of your partnership as being teamed up together. Communication is crucial. Listening is crucial. Trust is crucial. Helping one another is crucial. Sometimes things get stressful. Sometimes you have wins. Sometimes you have a few bad games. Turning against each other isn’t going to be productive so it’s important to always remember who your teammate is even when they’re having an off day.

I feel like your Daddy has at least attempted to communicate with you about unavailability. Maybe it hasn’t been thoroughly explained but he has answered about his absences instead of neglecting the question. Perhaps a few conversations can lead to discussing the need to inform you, if possible, prior to him being unavailable and providing and estimated time of absence. You will need to accept that he won’t always be capable of doing that, and you have to trust his answers as being valid when he says he suddenly had to go. This may also mean working together to to create a plan of self-care for times where you feel you need his attention and care but he’s not able to see to that immediately. Sometimes being told that you were desperately needed when you were unavailable creates not only guilt but stress and depression, especially if the unavailability was not enjoyable. Sometimes you have to learn healthy coping skills for issues like anxiety instead of relying solely on the comfort of another person. A professional therapist should be able to give you a few ideas for good self-care when feeling overwhelmed so this is not something you have to necessarily figure out alone.

One or two conversations may not be enough to get through this rough patch together. This may be an ongoing point of discussion that will need to happen more times than you want or expect. It’s okay though. Communication makes progress even if it doesn’t look that way for awhile. So, you may want to gently discuss your discomfort in his sudden departures a little bit at a time while also wanting to extend him care since such sudden departures are typically undesirable and probably stressful for someone to feel the need to do. It’s okay to keep talking about this for sometime but do so while listening and allowing him to express his frustrations too. Parents don’t want to have to explain themselves to their children and children should not be holding their parents accountable for their time placement so maybe some of his reactions are so because he feels his child-like partner is treating him, the more parental personality, lesser or in a way that’s foreign to him. You can work through this by continuing to bring up the topic and normalize the conversation and safety in receiving his responses as valid instead of hostile or deceptive.

I would strongly suggest that you consider this to possibly be a point of Caregiver Burnout for your partner. You seemed to indicate that he’s become not only less available but also less patient with you. It could mean he’s under a lot of stress that he’s trying to deal with without involving you so much. He definitely sounds stressed out just based on what you’ve said and how I’ve interpreted it.
Long-distance relationships can cause a person to feel the need to keep stressful things to themselves instead of sharing burdens, and there is some unfortunate pressure for Caregivers in our community to be forever giving, self-sufficient at all times, and unhealthily superhero-like that can also cause a bit of seclusion. So, you may want to think about extra ways you might be able to alleviate your partner’s stress and tend to his unspoken needs in cases it’s a bit of that burnout taking effect.

It may also be helpful to create a dedicated, scheduled time that you both can add to your calendars so that there is always an expected, good time coming up to reconnect and talk about important topics. It could be a stress-free, no-expectations “date night” of sorts or just a set time every week where you both feel free to say whatever without pressure to “be” a certain role. While it isn’t spontaneous many people find that it can be helpful in feeling secure conversing about stressful or generally important topics with their partner since there is the expectation that it’s a set time for that. It’s worth a consideration.

Remember, this is not you versus him. This is not about only you needing something. Work as a team to make sure you’re both in positive spaces or working toward those points. Make sure that you’re listening to your partner and being reasonable with your communication too. Communicate and talk about what’s wrong and what’s right. Understand that sometimes things change but by working as a team then you can find the special sparkle and happy smiles together again.

Best of luck!

[NikkiLittle]

Thanks for your response too. I did ask him if we can please talk about things when he is home and he said of course. So hopefully I can be a bit more direct with my expectations. I think he thinks my expectations are a lot more unreasonable (like that I expect him to be online all the time. I really don’t expect that at all but Im sure he’d be stressed if he thought I really wanted something that impossible) than they actually are in reality. I know he really hates disappointing me. I love daddy, that hasn’t changed. He’s actually good in a lot of ways. I just don’t want to be walking around feeling abandoned so often anymore. Thanks again for your comments

[NikkiLittle]

Hello! Just wanted to update that daddy and I had a few chats. We weren’t able to connect on video in the last while as we were both too busy but did a couple short audio calls and just kept messaging back and forth. Things didn’t really clear up until one morning after his trip. He’d been super nice again and then was very grumpy with me when I woke up in the night (time difference means it was mid morning for him) and messaged him. He said I should be sleeping and he should be working and was very cross with me so I just asked him to tell me what was going on and what he was feeling because he knows I get bad insomnia and it’s normal for me to message him when I can’t sleep. And that’s never been a problem before. He vented about work for a while and kept saying he’s busy busy busy. I listened and told him I understood but that it didn’t take him more time to send a kind message than a dismissive one. And he apologized and said yes, he was not being very nice and he should be treating me better. After that things have been a lot smoother. I’m still respecting his space as much as I can and I admit I’ve been a bit “big” most of the time lately instead of little just to take the pressure off him. Which can be hard for me at times as my life can be really stressful. I had a very bad post traumatic stress trigger the other day and it was pretty hard to deal with that on my own without him... he would have been there for me had I asked, I just didn’t want him to be overwhelmed anymore. And slowly I am starting to see his usual daddy self return. He’s still busy but stopped giving me annoyed messages and instead has been letting me know what’s up in a much nicer way and hasn’t been ghosting again. And I’m back to being sweetie and princess and baby girl. and he’s started telling me more of his actual life again which I appreciate because I don’t feel like I’m so cut off from him that way. Anyway... communication has been better Thanks for letting me ask and get advice here

[LittleLoliFur]

Yay! I'm so glad things are working out better for you now!!