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#53645
Living a 24/7 DD/Lg relationship lifestyle has recently brought to light that I may not have been as over and at peace with my childhood as I had originally thought I was.

I know that our community and female Littles have this stereotype of "Daddy Issues", and while my Dad was an absolute self absorbed sociopathic abusive monster, My issues are Rooted in not being sure if my Mom loved me when i was young. She rarely showed me and my brother any sign that she cared about our emotional well being. She was often distant & focused on corporal punishments, and making sure we behaved. Our rocky relationship only reached a fragile friendship in recent years since I became Independent.

I do understand that what she was going through at the time was very tough, she had us when she was too young and felt stuck in a pattern of abuse for years before she was able to leave. The PTSD and working 2 jobs while going to school occupied her time and emotional strength. I don't think she had the capacity to do any more than she felt obligated to when raising us. I understand this and I've forgiven her completely. But Its confusing for me because the emotional scars from a time period in my life where I didn't understand are still there.

Its left me with many fears and insecurities that I'm discovering might have always been there now that I've been exploring my little space more. I've had many more traumatic moments in my life and I was able to get past my PTSD from that, but this subtle childhood trauma has me feeling stumped and very vulnerable. How do I work on and mend something thats been around quietly for so long?

would appreciate advice if you guys have any :splode:

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#53647
I had a similar issue with my mom. I mean sure, she's telling me now how much she loves me but when I was growing up, I was certain that my mom didn't really care about me. The fact that she lived in another country, I rearly got to see her and that she once threatened to 'cut me off' didn't help. Even if it was because I didn't call her as often as she'd like, our relationship wasn't stable enough for her to say that. It caused a rift that was hard to mend.

My advice is to try being as happy and comfortable as possible. Do whatever makes you happier and try to stay away from what ever stresses you until you can gradually accept them if you want to. Since you're living a 24/7 DD/Lg lifestyle, then if you have a caregiver that indulges you, take as much of that love as you can and/or try forgetting the world around you for a bit. If you are happy when deep in your headspace, then you'll find it easier to handle things outside of it or when not so deep in it even if just for a while. Keep doing this, and before you know it, you will be able to handle more.

If you dont have a caregiver/DD, you can still be happy by yourself. Stuffies, binkies, and sippies help, and so does lots of cartoons. This'll take time so don't rush. Just let whatever happen, happen and just try finding new ways to occupy your mind while keeping happy.

I'm not sure if this'll help because I'm no professional so I don't know much else. It's just that this works for me, albeit still a work in progress. But your happiness is key. :hugs:

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#53656
Having people you can talk about these things with is good. Allowing yourself to not only feel what you feel but also communicate that to another person who accepts your feelings as valid is good.

You will eventually need to come to accept that it's okay to not be okay with your childhood, and that your childhood doesn't have to hold you back on having a successful future for yourself. That will be a journey in itself, but it's something you can do in time.

You may go through the typical five stages of grief in coming to accept the downfalls of your parent(s). This is normal. In a situation such as this, you can expect feelings like this:

  • Denial - "It really wasn't that bad. I shouldn't feel as bad as I do about what happened. I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I'm just being stupid. I'm just whining over nothing. Right?"
  • Anger - "I can't believe they did that to me when I was so fragile and innocent! They were terrible! I hate them for what they did to me!"
  • Depression "I feel lost because I didn't have something good that I genuinely deserved. Why didn't I? Was I not good enough? Why didn't I get what was right? Why did other children--other children who were bratty even--get what I didn't? What was so wrong with me? Why wasn't I loved? I'll never get over this."
  • Bargaining - "I would do anything, absolutely anything, to be able to turn back the clock and relive childhood in a better, more fulfilling way! I am willing to give up everything I've accomplished in my life just to have had a better childhood."
  • Acceptance - "I'm okay that I feel my childhood was lacking and, at times, outright unacceptable. It wasn't okay that my parent(s) did that to me, but it's what has happened and I'm a strong person to have overcome it. It's okay that I feel that it wasn't okay. My life is not terrible just because of the past and I can still have a very good future." (Keep in mind that acceptance is your end goal with this, it is the hardest step to get to, and it does not necessarily mean you "forgive" and/or "forget".)
Stages 1-4 can sometimes intermingle and you can even "backtrack" on feelings as new memories or personal revelations come about. You should always allow yourself to feel those things as they come. Let yourself progress forward when it's time instead of focusing on finding more to dwell on. The situation that has happened is not in your control, but your feelings are something you can manage.

It is good to let yourself feel grief and to talk these things out with someone who is just listening to your thoughts and feelings. If you feel that people in your life do not take a passively listening stance (a lot of people innocently give their opinion too much) and contribute too much to your thoughts by accidentally helping you to dwell excessively on them then you very well could benefit from seeing a therapist. A therapist can neutrally just listen and passively validate your feelings without accidentally causing you to dwell. It's important that you overcome each stage of grief so that you can finally accept what has happened. If you get hung up on a stage then it's okay to give yourself time to feel those feelings, but it is also not good to let yourself remain there and ultimately sulk. Seek a professional if you feel "stuck" in a stage other than acceptance.

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