By Deleted User 54276 -
Daddydom61281 wrote: ↑11 months ago Its been a while and my last little was in a relationship and it created problems.
What does love feel like for you?
Do you feel loved when your little runs up to you, panicked and desperate, and needs you to act as a parent to them so that you can "make everything all better" again?
I bet that feels amazing. Like you're loved, right? And when you help them with something you view as easy, as if you were their parent, I bet them appreciating you feels like love. Feeling needed. Parenting another adult. Being appreciated for being atypical. Hearing that special name that only that person calls you. Reassuring that person that everything is okay--because you're there for them and you can handle what's going on. Knowing you're very different but experiencing acceptance and appreciation specifically for that personality difference by someone you hold dear, someone who trusts you deeply, someone who wants you to guide them, someone who needs you to exist in their world for things to make sense and be good.
Please do understand that CGL relationship dynamics are actual romantic relationships too. The romance between the partners may be nontraditional, unconventional, atypical, or unusual compared to the average adult relationship but they are still romantic by nature. A Caregiver shows love through taking care of their little, and the little accepting and appreciating that form of love is uniquely fulfilling to the Caregiver. I cannot think of anything that feels more like love than being needed by my little, and I'd bet my best dress that you also feel that it's massively fulfilling when your little truly needs you. So, while your former little also had another relationship as well, you were also dating her if you were parenting her.
Also, just to put it out there, there is nothing wrong with a polyamorous or nonmonogmous relationship dynamic if it works for you and everyone is consenting to that structure. I am not in any way saying it is bad or wrong to have multiple partnerships.
If you don't actually deeply care about and love the person you're taking care of then isn't that just roleplay?
Healthy, long-term CGL-based relationships are not and cannot realistically be entirely "platonic" or "casual" in the way these words are used within this community. The words "platonic" and "casual" in our community are often used to describe a nonsexual friends-with-benefits connection, which we really should not support or claim it to be functioning, fulfilling, or healthy to attempt when it comes to CGL partnerships. I've been involved in the community since 2001 and I've never seen a "casual" CGL-based connection work out to actually fulfill both parties long-term, and they almost always end with someone feeling heartbroken (just like any "regular" relationship) and/or empty, feeling like they just need more.
The idea of "platonic CGL" or "casual CGL" is that the couple remains as "just friends" while both receive benefits of feeling deeply loved and expressing romantic love beyond that of a traditional or typical, healthy friendship. The little needs the Caregiver as a parent and the Caregiver parents the little as their own. I strongly believe that this is an extremely unhealthy mentality to try to maintain and blurs the lines between what is and is not expressions of love, what is and is not romance, what is and is not a relationship, and what is and is not respectful behavior between friends versus romantic partners. Realistically, it just doesn't make sense, and I've seen it functionally successful the way it's talked up to supposedly be achievable. Realistically, when the "real boyfriend/girlfriend/partner" finds out they become upset and hurt because even they are able to see it's an exchange of acts of love.
I also suspect viewing a CGL partnership as "not a real relationship" is linked to why many people within the community struggle to find long-term compatibility when they want to take the relationship very seriously since there has been an on-going, long-term practice of not taking them to be actual bonds. This leads into why so many people say such-and-such type of person they've interacted with are "fakes" or why may end up regularly "ghosting" one another they've "casually" partnered with through text. I have a lot of theories about why many people struggle to partner in the community though and this is just one of many things we really need to correct for the health and happiness of the group. I certainly don't know everything, but I've been around for a long while now in the community, probably more deeply than most typical members, and I think I've been in a position to oversee typical interactions long enough to have been able to make enough observations and solidly identify some community issues.
Anyway, CGL-based relationships, just as any romantic relationship, can be nonsexual (and really shouldn't be based solely on sex if we're talking about a partnership that's taken seriously), but all healthy CGL-based partnerships are valid, deeply intimate dating relationships. We're not in the 1950s any more, and we've come a long way--far enough now to realize that many people do not ever engage in sexual activities with their romantic partner(s) but still yet carry out a fulfilling marriage even. Basing the validity of a relationship status on sexual interactions just doesn't make sense any more.
So, CGL relationships may be polyamorous or monogamous, as determined by the discretion of the partners, but they are always romantic dating relationships, even though they are also non-traditional to some degree. To provide someone with such a deep level of care is to show them a special form of intimate love, which exceeds the version of "platonic" used within the community. Loving someone so deeply but neglecting to acknowledge it's importance and validity can be mentally damaging and emotionally harmful.
Ultimately, I said allllllll of that just to try to make a point that you also were in a relationship with your former little and you may want to correct your language when explaining that to others.