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#51791
I need some help. A couple weeks ago, I was asked to be a Mommy and I agreed. Now he's complaining that the rules are too much, even after I scratched out #10 😓

"These are the Rules:
[1.] No back talk. I am the mommy and what I say is final, a second discussion is not optional. Sass will usually only end with a warning (after I've giggled)
[2.] No self-hate or self-harm. You are my beautiful little prince just the way you are.
[3.] No lying. Just be honest with me, even if it may get you in trouble. Lying is worse.
[4.] Don't be afraid to speak up about anything you want to try or if you are needy and need more cuddles. Mommy wants her baby happy.
[5.] Always tell mommy when you're down or want to talk. I can usually sense it but if I'm not catching the hints, just tell me.
[6.] ((ONLY IF YOURE physically intimate, LOVE, okay?)) No being naughty without informing me. I need to know what you are up to. This includes asking before touching yourself, watching something naughty or wearing something naughty.
[7.] OTHER DOMS. I do not mind if you let other doms care for you if I am away but that's all. CARE. No cuddles, kissies, or tickles from other doms. This is only because mommy gets insecure too baby.
[8.] Never, ever, ever.. Say you hate mommy. This will break her heart and make her feel that she has failed you. Always find other ways to deal with anger.
[9.] Text me when you leave home and when you've arrived at your destination, at any time. This way mommy knows that your safe.
[10.] By 9p.m, you should be bathing and preparing for bed. Bedtime is 10, meaning you should be tucked in, diaper on, with the lights off. The latest the tv stays on is 11. If you are on the phone with mommy, your bedtime can extend as long as you're on the phone with her. Also, when the tv goes off, so does your phone, little one.
**This is subjected to change, but only on the weekends (Fri/Sat), if you are going out with friends AND have informed mommy. Also, if your work schedule changes or has an emergency.

Discipline:
1st offense : Verbal Warning with maybe a slap on the wrist and a stern talk.
2nd offense : Time out with a toy or privilege taken away. Example; Time out and no sweets.
3rd offense : Spanking. I will always give you a number to let you know how may licks you will receive. I will almost never go more than twenty. You will count each lick and will then tell me why you received the spanking afterwards. If it seems you have not learned your lesson after the first spanking, you will continue to get them. Half way through I will ask you what you color is. You have three options:
Red—STOP!
Yellow—I'm okay but I need a break.
Green—I'm completely fine and you can keep going.
Comfort will always be offered after discipline and mommy will always tell you WHY you got disciplined."

Is he right? I'm still new to this, plus I'm not very aggressive and that's another sore spot too.
#51794
I very rarely answer posts on the site like this but I feel like maybe I am one of the few that has some insight about why a little would disagree with rules. I'm really long-winded though but please bear with me because I feel like I can offer some potentially valuable information.

I'm going to offer insight that may or may not apply directly to your situation. What I am saying below are some things to think about and apply directly to you, your partner, and your relationship. I very well may have misunderstood something you have said, but simply want to offer a different viewpoint to help you see other perspectives.

Some Littles Benefit From Rules, Some Littles Don't

Not all littles want/need rules or punishment since some littles are "too little", "too innocent/sweet", or are seeking more care/compassion from a parental partner versus disciplined structure. There are generally two types of littles who want/need rules and punishments:

1. Littles who are "too little" and literally need the guidance and structure to sometimes even micro-manage their lives. Left on their own these people are generally pretty self-destructive and have a hard time holding themselves accountable for their actions--even when they feel their consequences. This is where the common "bedtime rule" comes into play because finally you are giving them clear direction on when to lay down to sleep and holding them accountable for it.

2. Littles who are "bratty" and need clear methods of how to "push your buttons" to achieve funishments/punishments. These people need to know exactly where the lines are drawn so it makes it easier to act out their bratty desires. For them, rules are more a convenience in terms of figuring how what to do "bad" in a safe way versus how to "be a good boy/girl at all times".

These types correlate to the REASON a rule exists in your relationship. Rules should generally be in effort to maintain structure and provide passive guidance. They should be specific to helping that individual (not blanket rules that you already have pre-drafted to toss out at just any little you may encounter) and tailored together to find the sweet spot of what fulfills the little. A rule should be crafted by evaluating a little's lifestyle, faults and needs included, and discussed rather than just dished out so that the little is capable of saying, "I don't know, I don't think that would actually help me," or, "But on Wednesdays night I really like to stay up late and play a game with my friends. If bedtime is always 11 then I won't be able to stay up like I really love to do so either I have to break the rule and feel bad about it (or suffer your punishment) or I have to lose my friends..."

Requirements for Healthy Rules

So, rules should exist in correlation to little-types, right?:

1. Rules should be personable, designed specifically for that individual. Never copy and paste a list of generic rules to apply to your partner. They are special, aren't they? So, they deserve your thoroughness.

2. Rules should be discussed and agreed to prior to being set. You should always, always, always give the reason why the rule exists and how you believe it will help your partner maintain a happier, healthier life. Never leave your little in the dark as to why you've set a specific rule.

3. Rules should ultimately help the individual person maintain structure and safety in ways they often are lacking.

4. Rules should be somewhat "safe" to break within reason. There is not a rule that means the potential death of the relationship if accidentally broken. You are not dishing out "rules to life" or "rules to keeping the relationship"--you are giving them ways to correct current poor behavior or create healthy/healthier behaviors for their ultimate happiness.
"Rule are meant to be broken," should somewhat apply then--even if only a "just in case they accidentally break it despite not necessarily wanting to break it" situation. "Bratty" littles should be able to look at rules and identify safe ways to fulfill their "naughty behavior" in being bratty.
Nothing should be extremely serious to the point where breaking it causes genuine harm to the little, the relationship, or yourself.

Example Rules

Example rules are quite difficult to come up generically with since they should be personal to your partner and fill in areas where they lack. Some people think it can be an easy task by just copying and pasting a list that someone else has created or by throwing out generic, often unspoken, relationship structure in effort to make it seem that they have thought more through their rules. You should never copy and paste "examples" without determining if it would honestly, truly help your partner specifically.

So, when you see an example rule list then don't just assume it is a good base list of rules for everyone or most littles. A good, attentive caregiver makes rules for their little--not just rules for littles.

The best advice I can offer up is to really sit down and think about what your partner struggles with and what could be done to help them. If they often wake up very, very tired and you know they have a bad habit of getting to bed late, only sleeping a small handful of hours, then enforcing a bedtime may be a good thing, but if your partner regularly is able to sleep well and enough then it would be really silly (and telling to your disinterest, perhaps) if you gave them a bedtime rule. Think about your partner and what would ultimately, in the long run, make them happier in their day-to-day life.

Next up: little age matters...A LOT!

You hadn't said but your little's little age also matters a lot. Let me give you two very quick examples that help to explain that issuing rules is not a black and white situation:

Example 1: An infant verbally fusses to be tended to quickly. They are sometimes impatient and demanding for basic care. Would you spank an infant who is excessively fussy and impatient for you to be changing their diaper? No, even if the fussing is so excessive it is irritating you. If someone regresses to such and this situation occurs then spanking them for being fussy and heavily demanding to be changed quickly then you can very well break their comfort levels with their regression around you. If your punishment does not suit who they are and their regression expression then you are only sending the messages that they are not good enough. Please don't make this mistake! Knowing your little is extremely important.

Example 2: Even bio-children make mistakes or are unable to comply with their parents' structure. If a bio-child was unable to go to sleep on time one night and got up to complete a chore (such as cleaning their room, let's say) then should a parent punish that child for being unable to fall asleep on demand but having chosen to be positively productive during their wake time? What if your partner is unable to fall asleep and after half an hour they get up and spend an extra hour being productive by completing some work tasks, home chores, or school work before going back to bed: do you then punish them the next day for their inability to fall asleep on cue? What did they ACTUALLY do wrong?

Evaluating YOUR Rules

So, evaluating rules and the breaking of these rules are extremely important things. I'm going to nitpick at some of your rules to show you how some of them are not really the best, in my opinion. Again, I'm giving you my perspective but I do not know your partner on a personal, intimate level. I literally only know what you've typed and that is all. So, please take my perspective as what it is and see how a third-party can view these rules. Let's go through them:

1. No back talk. ...
Is your partner "bratty" at times? Is that a part of their regression or no? If yes then you are telling them, "Do not regress to your bratty nature, ever, or I will be unhappy with you." If your partner is not naturally a bratty little, ever, then you need to ask yourself WHY your little would be talking back to you.
Also, have you clearly addressed what "talking back" means for you to your little? Does it mean, "You can't question my direction, even if you clearly are aware what I'm saying does not make any logical sense," or something else? In what way would your partner be able to express disagreement or dissatisfaction with direction you've given if they aren't permitted to speak up to you directly about it?
Think about it. This rule may not be a very clear, positive rule or it might be so vague that it creates a break in your capability to communicate together. Or, for bratty-type littles, it may be telling them directly that they are never to be themselves!

2. No self-hate or self-harm.
Point blank, this is not a good rule. Self-hatred and self-harming are conditions that are not always avoidable, even if a person tries their VERY hardest to stay positive or stay away from harmful behavior. This is conveying the message, "Never be sad or have a bad day or I'll punish you!" Everyone has bad days, and everyone has to learn how to deal with these situations. If your partner has already started self-harming then their behavior needs to be modified and that might be your place here.
Instead, give your partner clear instructions for when they are having heavily negative thoughts or wanting to take self-harming action. And if they come to you saying, "I've made a mistake and hurt myself," then they should not be punished--they have already punished themselves, haven't they? They need love and care after being hurt, don't they? Punishing for self-punishing is really just a very unhappy, unhealthy cycle that's not actually improving anything. When someone has a terribly bad day and just feels so bad about themselves I don't think your first thought should be to spank them into being more positive or happier!

I would suggest you throw this one out and replace it with something more clear and positive.
"When you realize you are upset or having a bad/sad day then text me at the first chance you get to say something to me about it so that we can talk through some of your feelings. If you have found yourself self-harming then you should always tell me so that we can figure out what motivated you to harm yourself and how maybe we could have changed the situation from getting to such a serious point."

3. No lying.
This is an extremely generic rule. Nobody wants their partner to lie to them. A healthy adult relationship should not be where the two(+) parties are exchanging lies. If your partner is not the "bratty" needs type sometimes then this is just redundant to the relationship existing. Some things don't need to be outlined, right? Like, say, cheating, murder, stealing from you, etc. Saying, "Don't murder people and expect me to cover it up for you," would be really, really silly to have to say, wouldn't it? "Don't lie to me," is on the same level, actually, unless the person has said, "In previous relationships I usually lie heavily about very important things," but, even then, you probably want to trace that back to the root and pull individual, unique-to-them issues they have instead of chalking it up to generic lying.

4. Don't be afraid to speak up...
This may conflict with #1 but is also very similar to #3. Of course a partner should always be able to speak up! Why would they not be able to? Why do you need to list this out specifically? Is there a way to personally apply this to their life where you've seen fault? Do they have a habit of not coming to their partner about issues?

5. Always tell mommy when you're down or want to talk.
Refer to #2.

6. ...
When you gave rules, did you honestly not know if your partner is physically intimate? It is very (extremely) disheartening that you had to list off that you were unaware if they are or are not. Why would you not know your partner enough to be handing out such a rule?
Nonetheless, I feel like this could be appropriate for a rule but you need to back up why. "Babies don't watch naughty, no-no things without Mommy watching with them," if you don't want him to watch adult art then it gently makes it something potentially healthy for you as a couple then! Hooray for happy coupling.
Otherwise, if he is master-debating then is it actually an issue? You are then putting yourself in the place to take care of him in this way and if you don't know if he's even physically intimate then maybe you ought not be jumping the gun with placing yourself in that position just yet? That's just a thought there.
Does he have an issue with self-pleasure that you are trying to correct?
I'm very lost on why you would even know if he has an issue in this area when you preface the rule with saying, "I have no idea if this actually relates to you."

7. OTHER DOMS.
Something you need to realize is how CGL works. A caregiver taking care of a little is often, very often, them showing romance toward that little. Even I am confused by what you mean here because it's like saying, "You can heavily flirt and be romantic with someone else as long as they don't cuddle you, kiss you, or tickle you." Cuddles, kisses, and tickles are very "vanilla" in comparison to CGL romance. Romance for CGL couples often is, "Daddy/Mommy takes care of that for me, gives me advice, and makes sure I'm in a good, safe space for myself."
You are sending heavily mixed messages for this.
Can they be loved on (cared for/taken care of) by another "Dom" or not? Is the relationship "open" or "poly" or not?
Can they have sex with another "Dom" or not? You didn't list that off a "no" thing so maybe it is not intimate/romantic for you..? It would be odd to not be able to kiss but to have sex but your phrasing here really, really throws me off as to what lines exist and what is permitted versus not.
As the caregiver in a monogamous relationship, YOU should be the one providing care to your partner because that's the role you two have decided for you to take on in the romance of CGL. You should be making yourself available to care for him, and he should be coming to YOU when needing to be taken care of. Otherwise, you're literally chalking yourself up to the person who offers cuddles, kisses, and tickles where anyone can offer everything else he might ever need. Uh, that's really bland and quite sad, isn't it? Don't you want to be special to him too?

8. Never, ever, ever.. Say you hate mommy.
Relates to the situation I've noted in #3.
Could be valuable with a "bratty" sort of little who gets carried away and says many "bratty" things in effort to push buttons and you feel this would be detrimental to maintaining your relationship. So, really, this heavily depends on your little and their regression and how you would react to being told this statement. If it would damage your relationship then I get it, but if it's just personal preference (and you'd continue on with the relationship anyway) then it's probably not really a rule but, rather, just a personal boundary.
If they are never the bratty type, really, then it's just redundant. A person should ideally never tell their partner they hate them (unless it's for "fun" purpose and understood to not be actually serious, of course).

If you have issues with being told, "I hate you," from a partner and you think your bratty little may say this in the heat of their bratty moment then this should not be listed as a rule, but, rather, a limit for you. (Unless this is clearly a funishment rule, of course: but then that would mean it doesn't ACTUALLY bother you as severely as you made it seem though.) This could be a soft limit (in the case it is accidentally said if your little has previous habit of saying it to former partners) or a hard limit if it is an unforgivable thing that your partner needs to take extremely, extremely serious.
In short: this is probably not actually rule material that would benefit your little. This is a boundary of yours, and it's okay to tell them that you have some personal boundaries they are not to cross.

9. Text me when you leave home and when you've arrived...
Excellent rule. Excellent structure to help hold accountability, and excellent way to explain your intention behind why you want this rule to be taken seriously.

10. By 9p.m, you should be bathing and preparing for bed.
This actually could be a very good, thought-out rule if your little has issues with bedtimes. If you've read this far into my post then I've talked about how this could be very, very good or very meaningless by this point.
The rule really depends on the faults and needs of your partner.

Disciplining: Sometimes Words Hurt More

Discipline tactics are very personable and also depends on your type of little and their regression. Again, you'd never spank an infant so what happens if your little accidentally breaks a rule while in such a young mindset that they honestly did not "know better" in that moment? Or what if you have a sensitive little who takes words more strongly than physical punishments? Some littles are like that and the emotional sensitivity of being lectured for 10 minutes is much more serious than having their bottom spanked for 15 minutes solid.
You need to come to a mutual agreement on what "hurts more" to the little and what is "too scary" to do since some people are not comfortable with being spanked. Sometimes being lectured or outright told they've broken a rule is more impactful than, well, making physical impact!

Physical pain punishment does not NEED to exist in all methods of punishments either. You could require the little to exercise a certain way or for a certain time in effort to help them physically while still offering up reinforcement to rules. If I were disciplining a person who was not "bratty" in needs (as in, they are not seeking funishment) then I feel like exercise punishment would be extremely beneficial.
That's just something to think about if your partner turns out to not be so thrilled or accepting of things like spanking. Not everyone likes it, and that's okay.

The disciplinary path you've chosen is extremely harsh for some of your rules (especially #2, which is something that may be well beyond their control right now; please consider trashing that "rule" and replacing it with something healthy and productive, being mindful that humans are not "perfect") though.

Colored Safewords = Not So Safe

Red/Yellow/Green safewords or stopwords are very poor choices, actually. These can accidentally be said in the heat of the moment but not meant to convey the need to stop.

Example:
Mommy: "What's your color right now?"
Little: "My bottom is so red, Mommy!"
Mommy: "Oh, okay. I'll stop."
Little: "But, no! You don't need to stop. Maybe I want a red bottom for being naughty!"
Mommy: "But you said the color red, knowing that red would make me stop?"
Little: "Oh, I didn't mean to say it like that. I got carried away and excited. Now I feel bad for messing up. I sort-of just wanted you to play into telling me how red you were making my bottom..."

Colored words also may accidentally blend into a person's regression since they are immediately visual. Many people experiencing regression say words of things they see or like to identify colors, shapes, and sounds just as a bio-child does from time to time. Suddenly the yellow-colored paddle may become a problem! Suddenly, your little one may be like, "Ye-ye-ye-llow," and just playfully teasing with a word, not necessarily meaning they need a break. Regression is...ah, regression is very beautiful but very complex at times and we need to be mindful! It's best to steer clear of common words and go for things that are unique, rarely spoken, and definitely not visual in your most common settings.

Do you see how confusing that could be though? Then there is the embarrassment of having accidentally said "the wrong color" and all. Perhaps it will break their regression and feel like they've suddenly "ruined everything" for you two.
Instead, go with words that you would not likely say. Like, let's say, "What animal...," would potentially be good, backed up with choices that would be odd to accidentally say like porcupine, octopus, raven, etc. "What scenery...." or "What landscape..." may also be good options followed by options like the forest, the desert, or the beach. Things that, again, would not be accidentally said.
You should choose together and practice this thoroughly with your partner so they don't forget in the heat of the moment though.

Caregivers Are Not Necessarily Dominants

You've mentioned you are not "very aggressive" and I wonder if this means you feel you are not very "dominant" in this regard. Please do understand that not all littles need or want rules and not all caregivers need or want to be or assert their dominance like this. Please talk with your partner about who you are as a Mommy and how it might be beyond the whole, "I'm new and maybe not so good at making rules," but more of a, "I'm not a domination sort of person and I don't want really want to be overbearing or involve punishment, really." I wholeheartedly believe that CGL is not necessarily connected to BeDeeSeM, and feel that you do not NEED to involve BeDeeSeM guidelines or tactics to have a very fulfilling, loving, enjoyable CGL relationship.

Resources:

I highly recommend you read through a couple of our articles, at least, and perhaps skim over other articles you feel may relate to your current knowledge and understanding of CGL before you go any further in this relationship.

Our baseline FACTS about the CGL community and individuals

What makes a Mommy a Mommy-type? What makes a Daddy a Daddy-type?

Our other educational resources can be found here.
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