- 5 years ago
#50834
Healthy relationships take compromise. Perhaps this is your first step in all of this. Realize that you can't just ask her to be your Mommy in a blanket statement like that or expect her to dive right in with everything, but that you also can have expectations that she will give you a little bit of Mommying in trying it. You are okay to ask her to meet you in the middle.
If you are at a point where she is SERIOUSLY threatening divorce then there isn't much to lose in speaking with her one more time about this super important part of yourself. Only this time you need to come to her well prepared and ready to also prepare her in a way. I just wouldn't give up until she gives up.
Start this process first by evaluating what you actually want your wife/Mommy to do. Create yourself a list of the things you want her to do for you. Write down everything.
Create a second list of what you want to do as a little with her caring for you. Again, make sure you include everything.
Now, create a third list of the most easiest, smallest things from those two lists. This list should be the shortest, but it's the most important list. This is your presentation list to start a discussion with her and ask her to dip her toes in with you. The idea is to choose a few of the lesser things that might not necessarily be your favorite but will help get the ball rolling and open up her comfort levels to exploring more. The most inoffensive, easiest things she could possibly do that would make you feel like she was being "Mommy".
(You can toss away List 1 and List 2 at this point but keep this special List 3 you've made from the first two)
So, if list one looks something like this:
Making me call her "Mommy"
Changing wet diapers
Changing messy diapers
Breastfeeding
Giving baths
Feeding me
Dressing me
Pleasuring me in diapers
Second list:
Calling her "Mommy"
Color outside of lines
Wear diapers 24/7
Eat with only fingers
Watch cartoons
Watch Disney movies
Third list:
Let me casually, under no pressure, call you "Mommy" a time or two a week just randomly to see how you feel about it.
Feed me a few bites of food
Give me a quick bathtime once a month
Let me watch a full Disney movie twice a month
Lay out my clothes for me (whatever you want me to wear) to go to work in once a week
Next, gather resources for her. Sit down and gather up links to direct pages that will answer questions she's probably going to have about all of this. You should read them too and make sure you 100% agree with what's written. You'll need to present this list to her so maybe do a format like
QUESTION? - LINK
QUESTION? - LINK
TITLE/TOPIC - LINK
TITLE/TOPIC - LINK
WEBSITE LINK - Explain why the site is possibly help to her (one sentence)
WEBSITE LINK - Explain why the site is possibly help to her (one sentence)
The idea with it is that she will have tools to investigate this on her own too. A lot of people get curious later on down the road even if they say a firm NO in the moment.
Get ready to have the conversation with her. Make notes or talking points if you have to. Practice having the conversation. Set a date to have the conversation. Just...prepare well. I would probably start calmly and seriously with something like this after asking her to have a serious talk with you...
I love you a lot--more than anyone--and I want us both to be happy together with a good, solid marriage. We've gone through so much and I'm so happy and gratiful you stick by me. I really think I'm a pretty lucky guy. But we have to keep communicating with each other and this is me lifelining out to you as your husband. I know we talked about this before but I feel like it's important to me that we revisit it. Now, I know before when we touched on this you didn't feel entirely comfortable with it but I need to talk about this. I need to. I'm really scared right now because I love you so much and I don't want to risk losing you, and that's a massive fear of mine, but I can't let this go and I'm asking you to please try to understand.
I really like to regress when I'm relaxing and I really want to share some of these moments with you. I can't stop thinking about how happy I could be to have you accept this part of me, and how much I think you could enjoy these special moments together with me. Now, I know that it's confusing for you and I know you don't know everything about what I'm talking about but please just hear me out as your husband.
Regressing for me means...(insert your answer for yourself; avoid bringing in physically intimate things, avoid defensive stances like saying "It doesn't involve kids though!"--these things you'll get to.)
I feel strongly like this is a part of who I am on the inside. It's taken me a long time to come to grips and accept this about myself and I know it's a big thing to be asking you also accept this right away. I know this might take you some time and that's okay, but, please, just give this some real thought, real consideration.
When I say I want you to share some of these moments I mean just small, easy things like...(insert a 2 ideas from list 3)
You don't have to do anything you don't feel okay with, but I'm asking you to please give some of this a try with me just a couple of times. I need you to accept this about me and at least give it a try with me sometimes.
I am depressed about not getting to share this part of myself with you. That sadness is growing and I don't know what else to do but reach out right now to you. You mean so much to me.
So, I've gathered some examples of what I'd want to do with you because I know you're going to want to know what I mean by all of this. Here. (Provide list 3) And I've also gotten some information for you to help you understand what this is all about when you have some time to look at it for yourself. (Provide resource list)
I think you're worried about this though. So, look, we don't have to do anything physically intimate with this stuff. I just want to make it clear in case you think this is a big, twisty thing. I'm not asking you to pretend to hurt someone like that. I don't know if that's where we got off on a bad foot last time or not but when I was reading around trying to gather you up some information I realized that maybe you thought I wanted to shove you into some sick role and I would never want you to feel like you are a bad person.
I love you. You mean everything to me. Our marriage means everything to me. I want our bond to strengthen. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to know everything about me, including this, and I want you to be involved in everything about me...including this too.
I can try to answer questions you have. I'll do my best. Does anything pop into your mind or do you want some time to maybe look through those links there I've jotted down for you?
There. You've opened up the topic as thoroughly as you can. You've outlined exactly what you mean, outlined places where she can learn more, and given her a personalized bit about yourself that she may have not known before. You've asked her to meet you in the middle and reminded her how important she is to you. That's a good start.
I wouldn't say her "NO" before is an indicator that she isn't right for you. You married her after all. You have a lot in common with her and you have history together. You can get through this and find the middle ground. Don't give up on this yet. Even if she says "NO" this time too it's okay because you've planted helping seeds in her mind this time by giving her those 2 important lists ("list 3" and "resource list" mentioned above).
Last...if you don't think you can do this with just you and her on your own then ask her to come to couples counseling with you. Present this information while in counseling. Trust me, the counselor isn't going to bat an eye at this stuff the way you are preparing to prsent it. The whole point of couples therapy is to get both sides to open up and talk about important topics they haven't been able to talk about. It wouldn't be a terrible thing to consider involving counseling sessions if you honestly believe she may sincerely go through with filing for divorce over you regressing.
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