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By 4everAbrat
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#52797
Hi everyone,

Im sorry if im not posting in the correct place, im not the most tech savvy & trying to read all rules on small mobile screen isnt helping.

My husband, came out as a Dom a few months into our marriage, i was intrested, and willing to learn. Unfortunately the way I was raised, has made me quite stubborn, and maybe not as submissive as I should be. I was daddys bratty Princess. But I was so willing to learn & become apart of his world.

We have a some what open relationship, with the exception of 2 rules, 1 was there would be no D/s with anyone else.

Recently I found out that there was some D/s sexting, where he allowed her to call him daddy, and he called her his princess. It has broken me to my soul. Not as a wife but as the little i was so ready and wanting to be.

Now I dont know if we can go back to it. But i loved the little tastes i had gotten before this betrayal. As a sub, i gave even more trust (i didnt know possible) then as a wife. At the moment i am blaming myself, he says he feels awful.

Where do i go from here? As anyone been in this situation and has been able to bare being called your special name again, can you call him daddy knowing it isnt a special thing between the 2 of you anymore?
:tears: :tears:

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#52798
I'm so sorry :tears: I don't think I'd be able to be in an open relationship, but I think that the most important rule to one is truthfulness and unfortunately he broke that. Try talking about it perhaps with a marriage counselor. Trust is very important and once it's broken it can be hard to rebuild. What exactly did he say to you when you confronted him about this ? Did he apologize? Once again, I am so sorry :shakeno:

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#52800
He has apologized, he is taking all the blame, and is being hard on himself. Im sure he is sorry, but it doesnt do much to help me feel less betrayed. He has even said he will leave the world of bsdm behind him if i dont want to be apart of it. I do want to be apart of it and learn, i just dont know if i can. ::(:

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By Littleashley1
#52801
A part of being in an open/poly/nonmonogamous relationship means understanding that your partner finds fulfillment with other romantic/sexual connections apart from you/your relationship. There are going to be times where you feel jealous/insecure and it's up to you to work through those feelings without requiring your partner to make everything magically all better all the time. It doesn't matter how strong a relationship you have you can't escape being human.
I feel like having a rule that a dominant who has a heavy interest in Dom/sub while in an open relationship admittedly not ideal just yet for his tastes, can't pursue dominance or another Dom/sub connection outside of the primary/first relationship is a bit... well setting yourself up for some degree of failure. Is it fair? No. But it did also put him at a disadvantage where he could have had to struggle to comply. Is that an excuse to let this go and not hold him accountable for his deceit? No. But that's your relationship and not mine and how you pursue that is your own.
Yes he should have approached you about removing the rule to your open agreement but he must have felt the temptation was worth the consequences with your relationship. That could mean he doesn't value your relationship as strongly as he probably should or feels you are too forgiving and will allow him to be dishonest at least from time to time. It could mean that the rule was never honestly a thing he could realistically always agree to. I can't say because I don't know him and can't talk to him about it so this is your job to investigate.
Yes he is at fault for not being honest and clear with you when he saw that he wanted to pursue something against your agreement. Yes he may need to be honest with himself and rule she can realistically agree to for the foreseeable future.
It sounds like you 2 need to talk through this. I don't think theres any other answer. Come back to your roots together and build back up. Spend more time together and talk more to build up that security and safety that anything can be talked about.
It's pretty hard to have emotionally based rules to an open marriage since those rules dictate the other person's separate interactions and partnerships while under the impression that they don't involve you at all. I'm not saying that it's wrong to set up rules based around your emotions but I'm saying that it may be a point of relationship vulnerability/hardship at and you should be prepared to deal with that. Honestly it's just really hard to have rules not related to health conciousness when it comes to the idea of being fully open.
But think about it and maybe you can resolve your uneasiness yourself even if he's already apologized and shown remorse.
The special name/s you call your partner can still have special meaning between you two. Him sharing the same label/title/name with someone else doesn't make him any less himself, does it? It doesn't really change your feelings/connection/memories of him, does it? It doesn't change the meaning behind the name for you 2, does it? It doesn't really change anything at all between you 2.
If his name is "Joe" then is he any less special because he has a common name? Absolutely not. Why? Because he's your memories/history/knowledge of Joe, who knows you deeply and has unique history with you and cares about you despite your unpleasant moments. The connection/past you have with him cannot be copied exactly by anyone else because only 1 of you exist and only 1 of your "Joe" exists.
And if other people know "Joe" personally or even intimately then when they reference him they think of those memories they have of "Joe." It doesn't mean that for that time they've taken him away from you. It just means they have their own meaning of who this "Joe" is. They have their own thoughts about him.
If you know he's seeing other people even intimately sometimes then does it really actually truly matter what names they call eachother? I mean are we just boiling people down to pet names and making the assumption that the pet names are what makes a person who they are to another person?
Sometimes words and names are just words and names. Sometimes they don't have magical meaning behind them because the magic is really the memories we share of eachother. Just because he says princess doesn't mean that it's the only name he uses for certain feelings toward a person is what I'm saying. Just because somebody calls him daddy it doesn't mean they're copying your connection/history/memories/feelings with him.
I think you can get past this with some more talking and grounding together

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#52802
Thank you for your reply, i should of mentioned although the open relationship option was there, it has never been acted upon, as he said he didnt want to, the option was there though. But that aside, i will take what you've said and have a good think about it. I know that you are right and have made very good points. I hope we do work through this so that i can be an active little in this community. X

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