Caregivers, Mommies, Daddies, adult babies, middles, babyfur, diaperfur, and all other Bigs and littles discuss regression, relationship dynamics, have open group conversation, share experienced advice, and exchange ideas to help one another grow in knowledge. (Age 18 or older only permitted)
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#52765
hiya i need some help cause im really confused. My daddy is super duper sweet and loving and i love him sosososos much but sometimes hes weird. Its like ill make him upset and heel go complrtly cold on me while im deep in little space. It makes me feel like im a bad little or my littlespace is weird or something (0-5). Just now i was playing minecraft and he was trying to tell me a story and he wanted to watch a movie. I said hold on to save my stuff in the game and then he would have my full attention (i was already paying attention though). He got irritated and when i finished i instantly regressed and hopped all over him ready for the movie and stuff. He was pushing me off and being super duper distant and cold not saying i love you or even barley talking to me. Its kind of hard for me to oull out of deep little space immediately so i was still in littlespace asking whats wrong. It made me really sad and he said it was my bedtime and made me to to sleep. I was super upset and almost crying.

what do i do when he gets like this? is it my fault????

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By admin
#52768
This sounds very specific to your relationship and/or your partner's personality or personal life. I don't feel like anyone is going to be able to tell you exactly what is going on with your partner or even if this reaction he's had is your "fault". I do think you are a capable person that can get this resolved with your partner though.

There are a few general things to keep in mind though as you work on discovering more about what has happened (please note that I am not saying that all of these apply directly to this situation, but I am saying that any of them could be a possibility that you should consider):

1. Communication is the key to building and maintaining a successful relationship.
Talking about this situation directly with your partner is the only guaranteed way to potentially gain an understanding of what they were thinking or feeling at the time. If this situation really bothers you then you need to talk with your partner about it so that you can maintain or repair your bond together. There are a lot of resources online for having a serious conversation with your partner if you want to look more into phrasing when bringing up an unpleasant or difficult topic.

2. Caregivers are not invincible robots just because they don't regress.
All Caregivers have feelings and needs too. This means that sometimes they're not in the best of moods, sometimes they lose patience, sometimes they get hurt feelings, sometimes they feel very stressed out, and sometimes they need a little extra love too.
It could be possible that perhaps he wanted your attention immediately because perhaps he was feeling depressed or neglected, and thought that if you dropped your game instantly it would give him reassurance that he was your top priority still. That is entirely speculation though, and, again, your best course of action to understanding what your partner was thinking or feeling is to ask them.

3. Caregivers "need to be needed" as a part of their personality trait.
Just as a little may feel like they "need to need someone" when it comes to romance, a Caregiver very commonly needs to feel like they are needed. You have to remember that Caregivers also are atypical adults. They express their love--their most intense, personal feeling--in a way that most other adults do not. Bleeding into number 2 above, they've likely felt the burn of rejection for being "too parental" to a partner and the reassurance that you still need them, and that their different way of expressing love is valued, is pretty important. Sometimes you just have to go a little out of your way to show them that they are needed.
Perhaps (and, again, this is pure speculation) your partner thought that you would instantly drop the game, even without saving, in effort to gain more time spent directly with them. You know, like a little kid who is so excited to spend time with their parent that they drop their most favorite toy and seem to forget it even exists for awhile. Moments like that are extremely valuable to a Caregiver so maybe he had hoped you'd have such a reaction this time.

4. A lot of Caregivers have an underlying feeling that they must be invincible to be lovable.
Some Caregivers get the impression from the community that they need to be unrealistically perfect to be able to be "a good Caregiver" to a little. These feelings can manifest by the Caregiver not expressing moments where they feel inadequate, depressed, sad, scared, anxious, worried, hurt, or any other "negative emotion". It can be difficult for a Caregiver to "be vulnerable" and show these sometimes because we build the idea of vulnerability as a feeling littles often feel and need reassurance over. For some Caregivers it can feel very risky to outright confess to a partner, especially one who is little, that they are feeling unwell because it can feel like they are setting themselves up to either no longer be trusted with the supervision, health, and care of their little or potentially outright lose the relationship for not being "stable" or "reliable" enough. It's possible that more attention needs to be paid toward your partners feelings, and more reassurance toward their "negative emotions" needs to be expressed by you.

5. Burnout is real and sometimes a Caregiver needs space from being a full-time, overbearing parent to their little. This burnout could manifest in various ways, including for moments where a Caregiver suddenly becomes very cold or otherwise unlike themselves.
We all need breaks from even our happiest hobbies from time to time so that we can thoroughly enjoy those things. Take care of another adult is very special, but it is also self-consuming. Sometimes the Caregiver needs to pull back a little and have a little more "me time", to be treated, or just to have a little responsibility reduction for a short while so that they can refresh themselves and feel appreciated again. This is normal. It doesn't mean they're not a Caregiver or that they're a bad Caregiver.
If a Caregiver has been a Caregiver to a little very consistently and in heavy ways for a long period of time then it's possible that they need a break to refresh themselves.
The little should exercise some self-care at this point if it's discovered that the Caregiver is feeling the burnout. The little should also still passively show displays of needing their partner by doing for them instead of asking for things to be done for them. This is when things like drawings, colorings, and small craft projects can be done alone by the little and presented to the Caregiver to indicate their importance. This is when a little can offer to watch a movie that the Caregiver really enjoys, even if it's rated-R or is "boring".
Other ideas include still expressing your regression but in gentler ways to give your partner a break from some of the heavier tasks.
  • It was suggested in the CAPcon class on relationships that perhaps the little does not ask the Caregiver to change messy diapers for awhile or changes their own diapers, at least every now and again and I feel like that could make sense for a lot of Caregivers.
  • Maybe one day the little makes the Caregiver breakfast-in-bed as children sometimes try to do.
  • The little could outright treat the Caregiver to a nice dinner together that they've saved and planned out for their Caregiver, where the little can still ask that the Caregiver give their order to the waitstaff but there's no pressure on the Caregiver to choose their meal for them or make the dinner arrangements.
  • Perhaps the little goes out with their Caregiver and holds their hand but doesn't ask for anything in the store, just enjoys the time together looking at things the Caregiver chooses to look at with them.
  • Maybe the little buys thinking-of-you gifts for the Caregiver instead of spending money on themselves for awhile.
  • Perhaps the little reduces their bratty fits for awhile.
  • The little can spend some time regressing without requesting the supervision or "help" of their Caregiver.
  • The little could start journaling some of their feelings to help reduce the load on their Caregiver to try to sort everything out for them in the moment (though, give your Caregiver access to your journal so that you aren't accidentally hiding emotions that turn out to be important, but still passively let your Caregiver decide if they need to step in with something going on in your life and do not request they read or keep up with your journal since this is in effort to give them an optional break).
I hope that some of the information above helped you with your partnership and that this is resolved quickly and thoroughly.

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