- 3 months ago #51367
So, I PM'd
But, how can we do that if we don't talk or hang out?
Depends on the person, but I thought they were more keen for that than me. (See quotes below.)
That's because of a misunderstanding on my part. She clarified for me that I wasn't joining their relationship—which is fine. But, I didn't think that meant they were going to ignore me altogether.
Admittedly, I didn't know the term meant that level of commitment.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoTo some people in the community, "adopt" equates to proposal of marriage or seriously long-term commitment. In the BDSM world it's like when people say they're going to be collared..."collared" was initially intended to be a BDSM proposal of marriage/long-term commitment intent.
Here's the exact quote from her in a group called Open or Poly in [my city]:MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months ago3. You listed off that the little was going to be your Domme. Littles are not necessarily dominant persons, and may struggle a lot when being asked to take on a role that they are not. Littles regress at various levels and various ways and maintaining a heirarchy where they are dominant with some people and submissive with some people may be asking too much for them to immediately start doing.
Did I misinterpret this???Sissy wrote: Come play with us
Daddy and I are looking for another pet or sub to play with. I’m looking to explore my dominant side so you’d be his sub, but also be submissive to me. We would prefer a female but we’re open to anyone that wants to come play! pm for info if you’re interested
So, I PM'd
Kymper wrote:Saw your offer in "Open and/or Poly in [my city]"
I'm interested, but super shy & nervous. I've not done this sort of thing outside a relationship
Sissy wrote: Hi! If it helps at all I’m a teeny bit nervous too but I promise Daddy and I would be willing to do anything at all to help you be as comfortable as possible. Also A+ to you for reaching out to us if you’re super shy and nervous that takes guts.
Kymper wrote:I found some questions I can ask!!
Are you looking for an only sexual relationship or something more? Would this be a CGL thing, or a D/s thing?
If CGL, what type of Caregiver are you? How will you interact with your little? What do you like to be called?
That's prolly enough for now. Toodles~
Blah blah blah from me (gets a bit personal for this forum)Sissy wrote:That really depends on you. If you want just something sexual that’s great but if you’re looking to have more of a long time kinda thing we’d love that too! It would be a cgl thing. I have my daddy and we’d be looking for another little who would also be like my sub (like not necessary calling me their dominant more like a corruption kinda deal. I’m the strong bratty type and you’d be my plaything when daddy’s away.) Daddy’s style of domming is not quite strict but he also likes the fight with brats so he can let a lot slide. He likes to be called daddy and tbh I haven’t really thought about what I’d like to be called. Idk what title best fits that?
So, that's kind of where I'm coming from. Where my impressions of the situation came from.Sissy wrote:I’m so glad you’re excited this is gonna be so much fun! Sis works great I think that’s the normal term for it anyway
I see.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoI also want to say that a lot of littles like to play with the idea of being a dominant but it is only just a game sort of play and not something they actually end up wanting to take on full time or seriously. A large part of being a little is not being entirely comfortable with typical adult responsibility and a lot of times that boils down the idea of being in charge of or authoratative over another person. So, A LOT of times it "sounds fun to do sometimes" but isn't a serious thing that can be kept up.
That's fine. I'm leaving that all up to her. To me I had thought "taking it slow" meant not rushing into adult relations. (But, now I'm seeing it's more than that.) That's the only reason I brought it up.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months ago4. Playtime in and out of the bedroom. ANY TIME adult relations is involved then you need to seriously think about all of the possible consequences of that. ANY TIME adult relations is involved where you are the new person to a dynamic then you need to consider that things NEED to go slowly and be figured out or someone will likely feel threatened.
I don't have friends, so I wouldn't know. I have many, many acquaintances, people who enjoy hanging out. But no one I could just call up and be like, hey I need X right now, and they would help—and vice versa, people don't depend on me either.
We all agreed that communication is very important for such situations, but they have shut me out. I've been reassured it's not anything I've done, but I still want to know what's going on. There's clearly little to nothing I can do to improve communication—so I just don't know what to do... Other than just be patient and wait for them to come to me.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoWhen new people enter the relationship a lot of people need extra reassurance and to further establish and solidify their place because there is a subconcious level of threat. Good poly relationships know this. Any person in a good, solid poly relationship will tell you that sometimes a partner needs a little more reassurance and a little more care when getting use to having a new partner involved. There is a give and take to everything and a part of that give and take is that yes you get to enjoy a new partnership still but you need to take caution, move slowly and at the comfort level of ALL people involved (dont get carried away and take things too seriously too fast), check in with existing partners more closely, COMMUNICATE and maintain that communication between/among existing partners, and be fully prepared to ask the new partner to wait, stop, hold back, stay at a distance, or just move back down to being in a friend-only position so that everybody has more time to get to know each other and feel more comfortable that somebody isn't intruding.
That all sounds great! I'm game. I think there's been a misunderstanding in this thread. I'm not trying to rush into adult relations or a relationship. I'm just sad because I haven't seen them since Monday and they don't text me first ever and rarely reply back to my texts. So, I've just been feeling like they changed their mind and didn't want to have anything to do with me after all. But they've both said that's not the case.
I only texted to him today after she stopped talking to me. But, okay, I will from now on. The last thing she told me was on Thursday "I'll tell you when I get back." and she never telled me. I texted her that night and then again Saturday to ask how her day was. I'd rather talk to her than go through him, but clearly she's dealing with something heavy right now and just can't communicate with me about it or anything else.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoI would stop talking to the guy in this way at this point. To me, I would start to feel threatened if I was the other little in this situation because it sounds an awful lot like Daddy is becoming the go between and like he is still trying to establish and maintain a bond when the little is CLEARLY showing hesitation and needing time, patience, and understanding.
Okay. This is very, very helpful. I'm socially awkward.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoPULL BACK.
Leave her a little text every 3-4 days that says a quick one or two liner like something like these,
"I know you aren't feeling well and I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. If you ever want to talk please just send me a text. I miss you."
"I miss you and wanted to check in with you in case you wanted to talk a little bit maybe. I really feel like you're special. If you ever want to text then know I'm here for you."
"I was thinking about you again today and just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm still here for you. I miss our happy chats but know you're going through some stuff. I care about you."
"I keep thinking about you and hoping that you're doing okay. You're special to me and I will give you all of the time you need."
Thanks. This is very helpful. It's just the not knowing how she's feeling/thinking that's so hard.MommaStrange wrote: ↑3 months agoSTOP messaging the Daddy so, so, so much. He needs to STOP being the go between. He needs to be on the same level as the current little he has, and that means reducing your communication until she becomes more comfortable. Check in with him once every 3-4 days too and focus more on her and them versus him. "Hey! Just checking in again. I miss you two and worry about her. Is everything going well?"
Let him know first you're to pull back of course. "I was thinking and I think it sounds a lot like thenameofthelittle needs some more time and a slower pace to feel comfortable. I think we all need to move at her pace then because that's what respect means and I care about her. That being said, I'm going to check in with you a couple of times a week like I will do with her and let her decide when she wants to take some steps forward."
If after a few weeks (no more than a month tops) of doing check ins she never responds then reduce them down so you aren't spamming her forever. At some point if she never wants to pick back up and try for something you have to accept and respect that as valid choice.
If I heard the screaming, I absolutely would have done so from the start. As far as I could tell I heard "I had a bad day," then unexplained silence. I know this might be obvious to some people, but INTPs are very bad without explicit communication. Particularly right now when I'm feeling so vulnerable, incapable, unuseful, and lonely.
Seriously. Thanks for all the time you put into this.
Got it. A lack of yes now means "no," even if it was a big "yes" previously. I was under the impression that "no" meant "no" not silence.
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