Caregivers, Mommies, Daddies, adult babies, middles, babyfur, diaperfur, and all other Bigs and littles discuss regression, relationship dynamics, have open group conversation, share experienced advice, and exchange ideas to help one another grow in knowledge. (Age 18 or older only permitted)
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#51312
Sissy and daddy didn't want to see me yesterday. It was my birthday—but we only just met on Sunday, so that's okay—but I was still sad and lonely. Daddy said they were going to go out to eat alone. Sissy said she wanted a night alone to do nothing because she was having a bad mental health day and she didn't even want to get out of bed. But, I think she did anyway to go out to eat.

They said they weren't avoiding me. I think maybe they wanted alone time because they spent all weekend with her family and a lot of time with me Monday.

Today I messaged sissy asking what I could do to help her feel better and she won't reply. And, I apologized to daddy for being annoying because I thought maybe I was messaging them too much and bugging them. But, he said I wasn't being annoying and that there's probably nothing I can do to help sissy feel better.

I colored her a picture and I wanted to drop it off before I have to go to work, but she hasn't responded all day and he hasn't responded in a couple hours. Do you think I did something wrong? If they don't want to be around me, that makes me feel like I'm a source of negativity or draining or something. I want to make everyone happy—but it seems like the only way I can do that is to leave them alone. And, that makes me feel sad and lonely.

What did I do wrong and what should I do? Should I just stop messaging them and wait til they want me again?

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#51314
I'm super sorry that this is happening to you. *Big bear hug* I'm sure that they are new to this so they really don't know what to do. I'm a switch and I remember the first time I ever acted as a daddy for my friend Hope, I was super scared and stressed out because I didn't know what to do. I was so used to being the one who is being taken care of. Maybe you should give them a few days, maybe a week, to let them figure things out. I'm sure that you are an amazing little! I think that they don't mean to avoid you, they are just confused and aren't used to having to take care of a little. I really hope that everything works out for you! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Best wishes!!!!!!

Luv~Yenjunnie :splode:

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#51315
Tanks. It says I'm not authorized to send private messages.

Daddy and sissy have been CGL together for a long time (maybe 3 years?). But, they are new to having a third person involved—and also sissy is used to being a little, not a CG. So, maybe that's hard for her?

I just wish they'd talk to me more. I heard it's impossible to have any kind of poly relationship without lots of communication. I just don't know what to do. 😥

Thanks for your kind message, tho

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By JoJoRaine
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#51317
I think you're right that it may be hard for your sister to adjust to having a new person in the relationship. As you did say, they've been together for a while, and she's used to not taking care of someone. You're also very right that communication is very very important. So important in fact, that you need to talk to your Daddy about it. Let him know that you understand the situation, but that you still feel sad and maybe even left out. Tell him that you want the three of you to be happy, and that you want to know if you did something to upset her. It's important that the three of you talk it out - without sounding like you're accusing them of deliberately leaving you out to hurt your feelings - because they might not realize how you felt. And if you don't say anything, then it can keep happening and that won't make for a very good relationship for you.

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#51350
We think that it happened way too quickly.

We remember that you said being new to the community, and we feel that perhaps it would’ve been better to take things slowly.

For one, we do not recommend assigning lovely terms right off the bat. Sister, Daddy, are strong terms that involve responsibility and commitment. If you don’t feel like those terms currently apply to this relationship, then the use of them can confuse you.

Anyway, you should be very, very patient. It is not common for members of the community to be lucky enough to find others in the community in person, especially not as quickly as you found out about the Daddy and her Little. Perhaps things just went too quickly, assigning expectations without really understanding the dynamic and how the people involve act upon it.

Don’t take it personally. It is all a learning experience. We understand how icky it may feel to have your excitement be dashed. But thankfully you are in a phase where you can easily decide what you want to do going forth in the relationship.

Please try and be very very cautious. The CGL and related dynamics are to be taken as seriously as regular partnering dynamics, and your feelings are just as equal and valid as in a regular relationship.

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#51354
So. A little over a month ago I had something similar happen to me. I found someone who said they might want a little, in my own town no less. I live in a small city in Canada, so finding someone near me seemed like a small miracle. We really weren't talking for very long. Still, when she cancelled our plans, and stopped responding for a few days, it really hurt. And I wound up sending a few too many messages to her too.

So believe me when I say I know what your going through, and I know how much it sucks. But spending your time wondering "what you did wrong" doesn't help. If you were yourself, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You deserve to be happy as yourself.

And feeling like we're "too needy" seems to be extremely common in the community. But I'm pretty sure our neediness is what caregivers like about us anyway. So don't beat yourself up over that. ::p:

So I'm really sorry about how this is working out right now. But I wish you all the best! And I'm hoping for the best for you. :hi:

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#51362
Azure&Vanilla wrote:
3 months ago
We think that it happened way too quickly.

We remember that you said being new to the community, and we feel that perhaps it would’ve been better to take things slowly.
I thought I was taking things slowly. She said she was just looking for someone to play with (outside and inside the bedroom) not for someone to join their relationship. We haven't done anything sexual, just cuddled and watched Sailor Moon.

Can you please explain to me what went too fast?

Update:
He responded to me today and said they are sorry I feel this way and he would feel neglected, too (perfect word for it that I didn't think about at the time—and I think neglect from my bio-parents is probably why I'm a little). He said they bit off more than they can chew right now.

He also said "She is interested she just has a lot going on. We also need to talk about the dynamic" But, didn't reply after that, so I don't know when we will actually be able to talk about it all.

So, at least now I know it's not because I'm not attractive enough or because I'm trans♥. That certainly helps my dysphoria. And, maybe it's not my personality either. So, I don't feel as bad as before at least. Until I hear something else, I guess I'll just go about life pretending they don't exist. Unfortunately, I left my brand new giant stuffy (my birthday present to myself) over at their place so I don't have anyone or anything to hold.

Also, I'm stuck in regression right now and don't know how to get fully back into big space to get all of my papers done for classes.

Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and advice. :hugs:

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#51364
I think this is what they wanted to try to point out and have you think about:

1. How long have you actually known these people? How long have you been talking with them? After talking with someone, how long do you usually expect a RELATIONSHIP to develop? Moreover, how long do you usually expect adult relations to become a shared activity in that relationship?

2. You listed yourself as being "adopted" the other day. "Adopted" in the community is usually a pretty serious connection. That isn't just, "We're going to play together sometimes!" "Adoption" means a serious commitment. When do you think most people feel okay with seriously committing to another person to establish a definitely-more-than-casual relationship? To some people in the community, "adopt" equates to proposal of marriage or seriously long-term commitment. In the BDSM world it's like when people say they're going to be collared..."collared" was initially intended to be a BDSM proposal of marriage/long-term commitment intent.

3. You listed off that the little was going to be your Domme. Littles are not necessarily dominant persons, and may struggle a lot when being asked to take on a role that they are not. Littles regress at various levels and various ways and maintaining a heirarchy where they are dominant with some people and submissive with some people may be asking too much for them to immediately start doing.

I also want to say that a lot of littles like to play with the idea of being a dominant but it is only just a game sort of play and not something they actually end up wanting to take on full time or seriously. A large part of being a little is not being entirely comfortable with typical adult responsibility and a lot of times that boils down the idea of being in charge of or authoratative over another person. So, A LOT of times it "sounds fun to do sometimes" but isn't a serious thing that can be kept up.

4. Playtime in and out of the bedroom. ANY TIME adult relations is involved then you need to seriously think about all of the possible consequences of that. ANY TIME adult relations is involved where you are the new person to a dynamic then you need to consider that things NEED to go slowly and be figured out or someone will likely feel threatened.

ANY TIME adult relations becomes involved with a new partner in a poly relationship you have to be WELL PREPARED for an established partner to have a little meltdown and need space, time, patience, and love.

Poly relationships are not jealous-less. There is no magic thing going on in triads+ that makes the people in the relationship not be able to experience jealous feelings or thoughts. People are still people. They still have insecurities. They still have worries. They still want a solid foundation of things.

Poly relationships usually do best when platonic friendship is established first before romance or seriousness happens among the partners. Did you take time to become friends, best friends, first? How long do you think it usually takes to really honestly become best friends? Didn't give it enough time? It's okay, but you need to look for some signs and probably change your pace.
When new people enter the relationship a lot of people need extra reassurance and to further establish and solidify their place because there is a subconcious level of threat. Good poly relationships know this. Any person in a good, solid poly relationship will tell you that sometimes a partner needs a little more reassurance and a little more care when getting use to having a new partner involved. There is a give and take to everything and a part of that give and take is that yes you get to enjoy a new partnership still but you need to take caution, move slowly and at the comfort level of ALL people involved (dont get carried away and take things too seriously too fast), check in with existing partners more closely, COMMUNICATE and maintain that communication between/among existing partners, and be fully prepared to ask the new partner to wait, stop, hold back, stay at a distance, or just move back down to being in a friend-only position so that everybody has more time to get to know each other and feel more comfortable that somebody isn't intruding.
A lot of new people in a poly relationship sort of have to establish themselves as a nonthreat at first. They have to work very slowly. Sometimes that means they focus on one partner who needs more understanding of them before focusing on both or all partners. Sometimes it means spending less time alone with one partner only and more time in CASUAL group situations (go get ice cream, go bowling, go DO SOMETHING nonsexual and not intense...FREQUENTLY).
That is something that a lot of people have a lot of trouble grasping if they haven't been in a few relationships that were not mono.

I would stop talking to the guy in this way at this point. To me, I would start to feel threatened if I was the other little in this situation because it sounds an awful lot like Daddy is becoming the go between and like he is still trying to establish and maintain a bond when the little is CLEARLY showing hesitation and needing time, patience, and understanding.

PULL BACK.

Leave her a little text every 3-4 days that says a quick one or two liner like something like these,
"I know you aren't feeling well and I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. If you ever want to talk please just send me a text. I miss you."
"I miss you and wanted to check in with you in case you wanted to talk a little bit maybe. I really feel like you're special. If you ever want to text then know I'm here for you."
"I was thinking about you again today and just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm still here for you. I miss our happy chats but know you're going through some stuff. I care about you."
"I keep thinking about you and hoping that you're doing okay. You're special to me and I will give you all of the time you need."

STOP messaging the Daddy so, so, so much. He needs to STOP being the go between. He needs to be on the same level as the current little he has, and that means reducing your communication until she becomes more comfortable. Check in with him once every 3-4 days too and focus more on her and them versus him. "Hey! Just checking in again. I miss you two and worry about her. Is everything going well?"
Let him know first you're to pull back of course. "I was thinking and I think it sounds a lot like thenameofthelittle needs some more time and a slower pace to feel comfortable. I think we all need to move at her pace then because that's what respect means and I care about her. That being said, I'm going to check in with you a couple of times a week like I will do with her and let her decide when she wants to take some steps forward."

If after a few weeks (no more than a month tops) of doing check ins she never responds then reduce them down so you aren't spamming her forever. At some point if she never wants to pick back up and try for something you have to accept and respect that as valid choice.

So I think this is all that is happening in reality. The little is screaming that things are moving too fast in the new poly relationship and that means EVERY PARTNER NEEDS TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW HER DIRECTION. I know it's hard. I do know it is. But you can do this. You just need to exercise a lot of patience by giving some space and time but still being around to let her know you respect her and her needs, her already established relationship, and her comfort levels.

I don't think you did "wrong" on purpose but I do think you need to take some steps back and let this flow how it's naturally going to flow. It's okay to move at a slower pace. You'll get to where you're going when you need to be there. :)

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#51365
Oh I also wanted to say that new poly relationships are still new poly relationships even if all people involved have done poly relationships before! Just like any relationship you have to find the right pace of all people going into the relationship. So even if they are experienced with having more than 1 partner it doesn't mean they're magical experts and won't have a hiccup.

And also sometimes people start off jogging and realize that they need to jog at a slower pace to avoid getting out of breath too fast. Like it looked easier than it actually was to maintain that speed they started at. Even if they are a world jogging champion and super experienced then maybe this time they didn't realize the path had a little bit more uphill than they expected until they got out there jogging.
Think of it like that. I don't think she ever meant to do anything bad by needing to change paces. She just might have not realized that she started off too fast and needs to slow down to find a good rhythm. This is where a lot of people stop altogether and if she decides that she needs to stop jogging (trying to have a poly) right now then that isn't necessarily anything to do with you as a person. It just might mean that she needs a break before she gets back up and tries again in the future.

Whoever is at the slowest pace in the poly relationship is your focus point on pace. You take their pace even if you're okay to run 4xs faster. The slowest pace is the right pace because you wouldn't want to carry on and accidentally leave that person behind and lonely.

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