- 7 months ago
My littlespace is not 100% as well. Ever since I've embraced this sense of mentality and way that I seem to be, I've always been ashamed and embarrassed by it. It doesn't matter how much I color, it doesn't matter if I genuinely feel like being in a onesie and sit down to watch something fun. In my head there's a little voice constantly bothering me and reminding me of my reality, that I'm an adult and I have to do things I may not want to do. It also doesn't help that I have reasons from my past that haven't been helping with improving this issue, the main problem being that I was sexually active (as in, I was already aware of adult art and even sensually selfplaying) before I was even ten years old (This is why you are extremely mindful of children being on the internet without restrictions or even a careful eye over their shoulder, it was already too late when I was caught and my mother certainly didn't seem to care enough about how I was destroying my sanctity, anyways...) I bring this up to make my main point: I grew up way too fast and I feel like my mindset has always been wired to non-childish things, this has been my life for as long as I remember. To suddenly try and break away from my OCD, neurotic-like mannerisms to constantly do chores and other adult things is obviously not as easy as one would hope.
To make it worse, the extent of my little side is limited. I don't do any versions of baby talking or babble, the idea of it embarrasses me to no end. My partner's caregiver name isn't "Daddy" either, I prefer him as my Senpai. The way the "D" word rolls off my tongue disgusts me, and I don't call my bio father "daddy" so it's not like I'm affiliating the term to family! It's not other people either, I just personally don't like the way it sounds. Part of me feels like I could say I'm not a "real" little, I do things littles do and I take great enjoyment and comfort out of these things, but I don't have that ageplay and/or regression mindset that people can put themselves into. If I attempt to, I usually end up crying, I feel the usual embarrassment and shame, but I also end up feeling unsafe even? My childhood wasn't the most stable and it's a good reason why I'm so very bitter to people, so trying to regress can be a stressful, emotional moment for me until I give up and stay in a big mindset. It can be awkward sitting in a onesie while watching or doing adult things sometimes, so it really sucks that I can't seem to chill out.
Some are born to sweet delight,
｡･ﾟﾟ･Some are born to sweet delight･ﾟﾟ･｡
Some are born to the endless night...
.｡.:*☆End of the night... end of the night... .｡*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*