[pazmus3]

This will be long.

So I have always known I was sexually 'deviant'. DDlg and BeDeeSeM are not necessarily physically intimate for me, but everything about my sexuality definitely clicked when I discovered people like me in BeDeeSeM. Now, I had never lived the lifestyle before and had never actively sought it until about a year ago, when my little self was just all over the place and I new I needed to acknowledge it and give it its own space inside me. WHILE this was happening, I met a guy at work and we just had so much chemistry we ended up in a relationship. So, when we first met I wasn't really into BeDeeSeM things, I had never experienced a fully conscious little headspace, and so on. So while I discovered this I got more physically intimate with my parter, and as time went on I would ask for things like biting my nipples really hard, or chocking me and stuff. Now, I know this is not so safe to do without experience but yeah, I didn't know better at the time. Then I moved countries (I'm going back to him in a few months) and we've had a long distance relationship ever since.

My parter (now fiancé) was always open but he did express he didn't like to do things so roughly as he thought he'd hurt me. He has ALWAYS fulfilled a daddy role without him noticing so I started calling him daddy unconsciously until I realised what it really meant for me and decided it was really serious. He also called me 'baby' (without him having any idea about what DDlg was) and he is comfortable with me while i'm in little space and talk like a baby and want my clothes changed, etc; it was all so natural for us both. Now, he does have some problems: coming from the vanilla world and expectations, he had always had this attitude where he expected me to just know things or read his mind, there would be zero communication from his part when things went sour, he would ignore me if he got mad, etc. He has serious anger problems.

Now, I had him take the BeDeeSeM.org kink test a whileeee back as like a way for him to get the idea... because I was scared of saying things and that he would be freaked out. I just recently unveiled this BeDeeSeM world to him and DDlg and explained what I wanted, and told him that he didn't need to try because he was already a great daddy, and that we just have to negotiate more and start leaving all the bad communication habits behind. This talk about communication and him managing his anger has been prevalent for as long as we've dated (just over a year and a half). Just about a week ago, I tried to f¡do our first formal negotiation about thing we want and don't want, but he got mad because he said I already know what he wants and that I shouldn't make him repeat himself and then he verbally abused me and yelled at me. I explained over and over how it wasn't right, and that we needed to talk about things like that just to be on the same page. He apologised, everything went back to how it was because he promised (just as many other times) that he's change.

Today I got home a little later than usual and he was kind of freaking out because my phone turned off. He said to call him so I did (we talk every day over videocall) but he was just ignoring me - LITERALLY IGNORING EVERYTHING I SAID, ON HIS PHONE (that's something I have told him maaany times I don't like, for him to be on his phone on facebook or instagram while we talk, because we only get to talk once a day because of our busy schedules and I feel really bad when her does that) - and then he hung up. I literally beg him to tell me what's wrong, what I've done, what I can improve on, etc. When I need help on something, I ask him: he is really a guide for me but it's all up to how he woke up that day - some days he'll be my daddy and some days he's just like 'do whatever the f*ck you want-. I just really don't see his behaviur changing because honestly he doesn't want to change (he's said that before). I have changed even the way I dress for him as a way for him to know that I'm always at his will as his submissive (but of course it wasn't clear because I never made it clear, even though we already had that 'power exchange' in out 'vanilla' relationship) Yes; I HAVE A LOT OF FAULT FOR NOT COMMUNICATING THIS PART OF ME AS I WAS DISCOVERING IT. I was scared of rejection. But now he knows, he's aware, I've tried to get him to be a bit more open to talking about things but this just keeps happening... he leaving me sometimes for days without resolution. I just don't know if he's actually 'ready' to be a daddy, and specially a DOM. I'm scared because he was always so good at doing all the good things a daddy dom does, but he just doesn't get along with communication, consent and negotiation. This part of me is REALLY important and I identify with it and want to keep living my BeDeeSeM lifestyle, but I'm really afraid about him just not being down for that in the sense of him just actually not being able to take on the daddy dom side of the BeDeeSeM spectrum seriously, as if he just wan't made for it. What do you think? Do you consider, from what I've said, that he can ever become a true daddy DOM? He just needs more time I assume, but the talks about his anger and communication have been going on forever. I really want to keep him... Please help. What can I do???????

[NiaEast]

Ahhh otay, this is a bit of a pickle, but nothing too horribly sour. I’ve actually had to go through much the same with my own Daddy, but he has been a Dom and experienced in the BeDeeSeM background for some time, as have I. It was the way we met, our friend circles and communities are heavy into BeDeeSeM lifestyles and culture. Now Daddy has had anger issues that have never really been addressed, that would be on the border of breaking me down inside and snapping me in half, because he could just get so incredibly mean and not notice or care when I was upset, then get angrier when I tried to hide or cried because I was so confused. It was very unhealthy, and those are not Daddy traits. Of course, for me and my Daddy, he did realize and know that acting this way was not right, and more than anything he does not want to lose me and what we have. He loves my being a Little, and he loves being Daddy. I read a lot of the same in your post, but one thing I did read over the full message you input was that you are certain of your Littleness and your interest into the BeDeeSeM world, and you have put him in the Daddy role, without him being aware he was there. It does seem you have had the conversations, and you have shown him the entrance to the lifestyle, but he may not desire to be a Daddy. It’s an incredible responsibility, and it does require the Dominant or Caregiver to have a handle on themselves, because how else would they be able to handle another? Not saying they do it on their own, not at all, because we will always be there for our Daddies, especially new Daddies, and show them who we are, what we need, and give them the resources to explore. My Daddy was never a Daddy before, only a traditional Dom/Master and was used to harsher punishments (the harsher punishments of other Doms did not tie into his anger issues, I want to make that clear, but both of the aspects were a learning process).

My advice would be to sit him down when you are both in casual, light moods, and ask him how he would feel about being your Dom, being a Daddy. From what I read it doesn’t read that he has put himself in the role, even though you have put him in the role, and that will cause many issues because he may not necessarily want to be a Daddy, he may just be a nurturing man who doesn’t want the heavy responsibility and sacrifice (and again, to clarify, I do not mean this in a bad way at all, but to be a Dominant and/or a CG requires much more responsibility than vanilla relationships, for reasons you seem to know and the rest of us also do.) and remember if he does not want to be in the lifestyle, or to embrace it in the way you have, that’s also okay. He’s comfortable with you being a Little, and this may require the both of you to find a middle ground, where both of your needs are met. Just be open to any possibility, like you want him to open and gain insight into his behavior and what you need from him, it will also need to go vise versa.

If I have missed anything, if you and he have decided he is your Daddy, and you are his Little, officially, and he does not want to go through the conversations to set boundaries and go over needs, then that would be a bit different, but even so, it sounds all in all that he’s not putting that title on himself. At least not yet

[NiaEast]

And remember that the foundation of being a Dominant or Caregiver is having a solid foundation of communication, negotiation and consent. Without those traits, then he can’t be good at all the things a Daddy is, he may just be a caring and nurturing person. Those three things are the most important, they’re what MAKES a Daddy, a Dominant, a Caregiver and it would be incredibly hard to call or consider someone a Dominant or Daddy without them. Not everyone will fit into the role, so also keep in mind to be careful about fitting him on a pedestal he may not fit into.

[Marshmalohgrrl]

I'm not sure if there are any BeDeeSeM friendly counselors but I'm sure there are if you know where to look. It might not hurt to go through some counseling with him and see if you can have someone mediate for you. There's a lot going on there and it sounds like he has some issues of his own and since he doesn't want to change, he's not going to no matter what you say. He has to want to change.

The worst thing I ever did was to give up pieces of myself and "settle" for my first dom. I refuse to capitalize that because he doesn't deserve it. He abused me, refused to listen or change or, later, even CARE that he was emotionally and mentally hurting me on a regular basis and I just kinda... gave up. I let him do what he wanted and I just kept tucking parts of myself back on the mental shelf and it slowly killed my soul.

Counseling and some serious soul searching is needed in this, hon. **hugs**