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#30177
This should go without saying, but please no "well, you could date me" type ish. I don't need that, I need to heal. Also that kind of thing in this context is predatory and gross so just please don't k thx.

That said,

Through a variety of events, I think I've got it pretty clear in my head that my former Daddy (who also had a switch side) is just too mentally and spiritually sick to actually love me right now. I could go on, but it doesn't matter - the kindest thing I can do for him is leave him be so that he can work on himself, and keep him in my prayers and see what the future holds. The kindest thing I can do for me is to move on.

It's kinda hard tho coz in the past, I would just use the next person to move on from the last person. That kind of behavior is something I don't want to do any more. Also I am working with some past abuse stuff, and I think even touching someone else at all would be triggering and harmful at this time, for me. So I can't use my old "move on" behavior. And that means, I have no idea how to move on!

I'm still in love with former Daddy. And also I love him truly as a person. I understand it's gonna take some time for the "in love" part to change, if it ever does. And I'm trying not to let myself fall into "shoulda woulda coulda" talk, coz I know that isn't true. His issues are his. I'm also trying not to think that "if only I'd been better, X wouldn't have happened" because that is also so not true, and I know that, intellectually, but it's very hard with my low self esteem.

f-Daddy was controlling and did things that harmed me, and not in the fun and consensual way. He wasn't abusive - and right now, I don't really have the energy to talk about how those two things can intersect, but how they can also be different and not intersect. For the sake of this post, let's just say, I don't want to go back there. But I am still hung up and having a hard time not being.

Anyone been there?

Super glad this community exists. Thanks.

<3,

alpha
#30658
Alpha_baby_swItch wrote:This should go without saying, but please no "well, you could date me" type ish. I don't need that, I need to heal. Also that kind of thing in this context is predatory and gross so just please don't k thx.

That said,

Through a variety of events, I think I've got it pretty clear in my head that my former Daddy (who also had a switch side) is just too mentally and spiritually sick to actually love me right now. I could go on, but it doesn't matter - the kindest thing I can do for him is leave him be so that he can work on himself, and keep him in my prayers and see what the future holds. The kindest thing I can do for me is to move on.

It's kinda hard tho coz in the past, I would just use the next person to move on from the last person. That kind of behavior is something I don't want to do any more. Also I am working with some past abuse stuff, and I think even touching someone else at all would be triggering and harmful at this time, for me. So I can't use my old "move on" behavior. And that means, I have no idea how to move on!

I'm still in love with former Daddy. And also I love him truly as a person. I understand it's gonna take some time for the "in love" part to change, if it ever does. And I'm trying not to let myself fall into "shoulda woulda coulda" talk, coz I know that isn't true. His issues are his. I'm also trying not to think that "if only I'd been better, X wouldn't have happened" because that is also so not true, and I know that, intellectually, but it's very hard with my low self esteem.

f-Daddy was controlling and did things that harmed me, and not in the fun and consensual way. He wasn't abusive - and right now, I don't really have the energy to talk about how those two things can intersect, but how they can also be different and not intersect. For the sake of this post, let's just say, I don't want to go back there. But I am still hung up and having a hard time not being.

Anyone been there?

Super glad this community exists. Thanks.

<3,

alpha
With still loving someone, and needing to move on, maybe the best thing to do, is to continue to pray for him, also pray for the strength to move on, and at the same time, find things that separate yourself mentally from things that make you think of him, by finding other outlets to occupy your mind; Whether it's a new hobby, or maybe a new place that, for example, you've never been, but always wanted, and spend time there- moving on isn't easy, but sometimes the way to do this is to find ways to first put them aside mentally, if you know what I mean. I pray everything works out for you. Bless you.
#30893
I relate to this so very much, honestly. I've had past trauma which has actually given me PTSD, and until two weeks ago I couldn't let anyone touch me in a sensual way without breaking down. No, I have not found my perfect soul mate Daddy, but I did find someone I was comfortable with. Just some background so you know where my advice is coming from.
Moving on is honestly so, so hard. But it's really important to keep up communication with your friends and/or family. Feeling lonely will be very detrimental to you in this process. Now is the time to lean on your support system. Also, it's good to keep busy. Even if it's stuff that's not important. Watch movies, start reading more books, drive somewhere new and take a hike and take pictures, hang out at bars with friends, etc. It's important to realize how happy you can be without a significant other. That way, when you meet someone new, you can actually tell whether they're making you happy or dragging you down subtly.
I know it's sort of vague, but I really hope this helps. ♥️ I wish you the best of luck. You've got this. 🎀💎😘
#30925
Thanks everyone who wrote back. Your responses are so helpful. <3

"pray for the strength to move on"

That makes me think about willingness. Like, am I willing to move on? For me? Am I still hanging on? Why? These are good questions. I feel my fear when I think of them, and I think looking at the exact nature of that fear could tell me a lot about myself and ways I need to heal that are deeper than this one relationship.

I am a traveler - I have a past as a traveler kid. I've been trying to not compulsively travel these days. But, I still love to travel! But because of past compulsiveness, I often feel guilty about planning trips. But lately I think a time bounded, planned vacay, with a commitment to come back, would be good. I think a change of scene is seriously necessary.

And yaaaayyyyy for hobbies! I'm a singer/songwriter. :)

Thanks for saying I've got this. That helps.

Yeah one of the problems is the details that matter, you know? Like honestly, I have super good support in certain 12 step groups (ACA and SIA, especially). Very grateful for that. But not everyone in there is twisty, let alone into this particular dynamic. Like, if Daddy had given me a ring, I'd probably call his mom and ask her to take it for me, so I wouldn't trigger him. But, uh, if I give her the collar.... um, that's just not gonna go down, know what I'm sayin'. And I have told some people in the rooms about that, but even if they are nice, they don't understand. So I am grateful for this space.

Right now I am in a place where I really want him to take the collars back, at least for now. Maybe someday he will put them on me again (and at that time, I would hope to hold my own more than I did, and have a nice one for him too!), but right now we are not doing that, and the cognitive dissonance is too much for me. I feel like I can't fully grieve. I am, however, afraid to trigger him. And at the same time, he is, in real life, an adult who is responsible for his feelings and responses. I am currently inventorying my feelings and codependent patterns with regard to this issue in order to get clarity on what is best to do. I am very grateful for this space, and for the feedback and experiences shared here. :)

Thank you all so much

<3 <3 <3
#30951
I wish mailing the collars back was a viable option but given what you have said I can not Imagine this would work well. Maybe you can put them away somewhere safe and when you do have the strength to face him again give them back. Safe places could include a friend you trust ro understand.

Hang in there our challenges help give contrast to our accomplishments.

Sent from my LGLS992 using Tapatalk

#30976
Yeah I kinda wish that too. Honestly, tho? I think it would make him completely freak. Also, I now know that he's heard through the grapevine that I am moving and is freaking out because he thinks I'm moving a million miles away (I have a history of doing that.) In reality, I'm only moving 35 minutes away, and I have a car. I'm a gym-bot, and I'll be in town at the gym like every day.

I think he'd be really hurt if I didn't do it in person.

I'm a lil scared for myself coz if he tries to kiss me or something it's gonna be really hard to say no - still in love, and all that.

But the truth is this: regardless of anything else, he doesn't even have a year clean right now. And I'm an addict and an alcoholic - I cannot be around that, without it potentially wrecking my life. I just can't. So a relationship between us, as a possibility, is not even relevant until a year from now, even remotely. I feel like that's something I can fall back on to tell him - he has enough time in and out of the rooms that he should be able to get that.

Wednesday I'm gonna put his hair and flowers in the river, give the mugs away, and get rid of some other things. I'll take a breather then, and see how things feel spiritually.

And then I'll call him and ask if I can buy us a coffee.

This is really hard. Thanks everyone, for being here and caring.
#30992
I know that we do not know each other but I am so proud of you right now! It is very important that we take care of ourselves first and that is what you are doing. You started this journey alone and look how far you have made it already!

Moving on can be very hard especaly when we love someone. You have always had someone to help you move on and here you are, doing it all alone! What an amazing accomplishment!

Your old daddy may be hurt by your confronting him and returning the collars but by doing this, you will be able to conferm both to him and to yourself, that you are moving on from the relationship because you are tired of being hurt.

Remember why you are doing this and stay strong. If your daddy realy loves you he will underatand and even though it will hurt him he needs to respect your decision. It sounds like you are still giving him the time and opportunity change. Adiction makes changing for others tempting but with any luck once he starts down the road to change he will figure out that no change can be compleatly made untill we change for ourselves.

Sorry for rambling, good luck and stand proud of what you have accomplished.

Sent from my LGLS992 using Tapatalk

#31354
Thanks for talking to me everyone.

I saw him two days ago. He's in a mental health unit. They have been telling him he's crazy which isn't true. He's traumatized. They give him benzos and don't even care what that does to him. It makes me want to end them all.

We were all over each other in seconds. We love each other so much it's dumb. But that night, I had PTSD flashbacks of the emotional battery for 5 hours. My inner children were terrified. He loves me but I can't go back to that. For my own sake.

So the next day I called him (figuring it would be better to do this while he was still on the unit and unable to, say, kill himself) and told him I need to go full no contact for now. I kept it on my side of the street. I told him it has nothing to do with what he did. I told him he could be Mr. Healthy, but I am not, and I need to work on my self hardcore. It's not the whole truth, but it is a big chunk of the truth. I can see that at my stage in recovery, I have no business in a serious relationship with anyone. And I can see that if me and him are gonna be together it is only gonna be to make a family, coz that's what we are. So the only thing I can do is make myself a person who is healthy enough to do that.

Unfortunately this involves confronting horrible amounts of physically intimate violence from my family of origin and my past. It's so unpleasant. But I do have a Survivors of relative relations meeting where I get a lot of support. I am very grateful for that.

I miss him every second and doing this work feels like going back to hell, going back to a place I escaped from long ago. A friend said I should do it for me - that I'm worth it. But the truth is, people who have survived what I have survived often don't feel like we are. Sometimes, we need something else to motivate us.

For now, I'm willing to do this hellish work in order to keep my word to someone I love. That no matter what happens with us - I will get free from this stuff. I will make myself into someone who can truly love and be happy.
#32788
I understand... though I can't say I understand the bit about moving on so much. I still love my ex, but I build relationships slowly. I would tell you to do the same. Let this wound heal. Find a new person who you connect with and hold off on the adding of this personal stuff... Just be friends. When you feel the time is right, then ask to escalate the relationship.
#33909
Thanks for writing. I agree with the friends first thing. It's so, so hard to let go but I feel like I have to. At least I can't hang myself up, in terms of my life, even if my heart is hung up still. Thanks so much everyone for the support.

I am gonna try to crawl to a BeDeeSeM and sober event in the next state over. I am nervous and don't know how it will go. But I feel like I need to put myself out there in some way. Being lonely doesn't help this situation.

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