- 7 years ago
#30177
This should go without saying, but please no "well, you could date me" type ish. I don't need that, I need to heal. Also that kind of thing in this context is predatory and gross so just please don't k thx.
That said,
Through a variety of events, I think I've got it pretty clear in my head that my former Daddy (who also had a switch side) is just too mentally and spiritually sick to actually love me right now. I could go on, but it doesn't matter - the kindest thing I can do for him is leave him be so that he can work on himself, and keep him in my prayers and see what the future holds. The kindest thing I can do for me is to move on.
It's kinda hard tho coz in the past, I would just use the next person to move on from the last person. That kind of behavior is something I don't want to do any more. Also I am working with some past abuse stuff, and I think even touching someone else at all would be triggering and harmful at this time, for me. So I can't use my old "move on" behavior. And that means, I have no idea how to move on!
I'm still in love with former Daddy. And also I love him truly as a person. I understand it's gonna take some time for the "in love" part to change, if it ever does. And I'm trying not to let myself fall into "shoulda woulda coulda" talk, coz I know that isn't true. His issues are his. I'm also trying not to think that "if only I'd been better, X wouldn't have happened" because that is also so not true, and I know that, intellectually, but it's very hard with my low self esteem.
f-Daddy was controlling and did things that harmed me, and not in the fun and consensual way. He wasn't abusive - and right now, I don't really have the energy to talk about how those two things can intersect, but how they can also be different and not intersect. For the sake of this post, let's just say, I don't want to go back there. But I am still hung up and having a hard time not being.
Anyone been there?
Super glad this community exists. Thanks.
<3,
alpha
That said,
Through a variety of events, I think I've got it pretty clear in my head that my former Daddy (who also had a switch side) is just too mentally and spiritually sick to actually love me right now. I could go on, but it doesn't matter - the kindest thing I can do for him is leave him be so that he can work on himself, and keep him in my prayers and see what the future holds. The kindest thing I can do for me is to move on.
It's kinda hard tho coz in the past, I would just use the next person to move on from the last person. That kind of behavior is something I don't want to do any more. Also I am working with some past abuse stuff, and I think even touching someone else at all would be triggering and harmful at this time, for me. So I can't use my old "move on" behavior. And that means, I have no idea how to move on!
I'm still in love with former Daddy. And also I love him truly as a person. I understand it's gonna take some time for the "in love" part to change, if it ever does. And I'm trying not to let myself fall into "shoulda woulda coulda" talk, coz I know that isn't true. His issues are his. I'm also trying not to think that "if only I'd been better, X wouldn't have happened" because that is also so not true, and I know that, intellectually, but it's very hard with my low self esteem.
f-Daddy was controlling and did things that harmed me, and not in the fun and consensual way. He wasn't abusive - and right now, I don't really have the energy to talk about how those two things can intersect, but how they can also be different and not intersect. For the sake of this post, let's just say, I don't want to go back there. But I am still hung up and having a hard time not being.
Anyone been there?
Super glad this community exists. Thanks.
<3,
alpha