[Fig_Newton]

As a little, it's become increasingly difficult to accept the fact that this is something I should enjoy rather than feeling like I am wrong for having such childish tendencies. While I have very good makings of a professional life it often becomes difficult and sometimes sickening to imagine myself taking a break from all of that to be a little, even though it is something I enjoy very much.

I can attribute this to my home life as well as my love life. In my home life, I was always well taken care of monetarily by my mother who, god bless her, is a wonderful worker and provider. However, this doesn't change the string of bad influences and straight up emotional traumas the likes of verbal threats and abandonment from my immature father and mentally ill addict stepfather.

Probably less of a reason that this is the case is both my professional life and love life. I haven't had much luck finding someone to help me validate this side and open me up to the idea of accepting who I want to be and like to be, but feel burdensome and guilty for trying to feel that way or work like that. There are constant reminders in both work and activities that I hold responsibility and worries and while these shape character they also serve to make me feel like I'm being unproductive and useless if I go into little space.

I'd like to hear if anyone has thoughts on this or stories of their own to share. Being a little makes me so happy but whenever I break the initial bliss I feel like a useless and broken adult who is doing something shameful.

[PeppermintBatty]

Okay. I have a lot of experience with this.

For the longest time, I thought being an AB was like, the dumbest thing on the planet. It was a really weird, deviant, practice that didn't seem to serve any purpose in my life. I went through an extreme binge/purge cycle, which was very taxing on me. I would indulge in diapers, sometimes for a week at a time, and then feel guilty and stupid and cut them out of my life completely for months at a time.

But I always felt myself crawling back to this and I couldn't for the life of me understand why. Why was I doing something so weird and how come I couldn't just leave it behind? How come it felt like a piece of my life was ripped away every time I let it go?

Honestly, the way it all worked out for me was during an extreme religious event that occurred in my life. The likes of which I wrote about in a comic I called "Don't Binge/Don't Purge." Here's a link. http://rdk.pixel-pagoda.com/ILOVEFURRIE ... index.html

Basically I was faced with an extreme dichotomy and learned that I wasn't at either end of the extreme. I really wasn't the person that was so beholden to my adult interest that I was not productive and neither was I the person that could tear it away so I could be perfect. I was somewhere inbetween, and I think everybody walks that fine line at some point in their lives.

Today, I feel that my AB lifestyle is something I do as a productive activity, the goal of which is stress relief. I have learned that I cannot function in life without relieving stress somehow, and so I schedule time for which to indulge in petty fantasy. And it's not exactly a shameful thing, because I'm a completely normal person really. I pay taxes, I have a job, I don't break the law. What I do in my own home is my business and people shouldn't have their hands on my personal life. Not only that, but most people have something to get them through the day. My daddy smokes. He has smoked for a very long time. It's what helps him relieve stress after a long day. When he tears it away he doesn't have other coping mechanisms. I am very much the same. Some people drink. Some people smoke. Some people smoke dope. I personally have a safe, effective way to manage my stress levels which neither hurts people nor hurts myself. That's like a win-win in my book.

Try not to think of it too seriously man, because if you focus on how strange it is, you're really not going to realize how normal you are just by being human.

Hope that helps.