- 8 years ago
#12302
But I needed a place to vent a little. This weekend has been very rough on me and in all honesty if I weren't against suicide (that's a long story, don't ask) I might have committed it this weekend. I'm scared I may or may not be schizophrenic because a very close friend of mine and I were chatting for quite a few hours and in the end they believe I very well may be schizo and because of that it has been ripping me apart through my anxiety and my depression has gone through the roof. I had an anxiety attack Saturday that lasted for a couple hours because I kept trying to fight it back (I was at work and personal feelings won't allow me to be weak) and I couldn't breathe and all the while I was stuck trying to appear just fine outwardly so to not cause suspicion or a commotion. Last night (Saturday night) I had the most bizarre dream and all I can absolutely remember for fact is it was an all white room with me and about 5-7 other people. The biggest one just scoffed at me and said "You are not sincere" and I can't explain why but that has been plaguing me all day. I think I remember other details but they could just as easily be me making them up in hopes it's memory and not story. The oldest one had helped me stand up and he was so... warm. He seemed so sad but he was so pure at the same time... The littlest one was hiding behind the tallest one, but I couldn't tell if the little one was a male or female. The tallest one looked at me with... regret? There was this dark figure in the corner, nothing distinguishable but I could feel it staring into my soul as if it were judging me. I told one other person but she said that she wasn't sure what it meant if anything but no matter what I can not shake the look he gave me as he said that to me... it was like he was disappointed in me but he was smirking as if he knew something I didn't... I'm just scared and I'm sure I'm freaking myself out over things that I don't need to worry about but right now I'm not sure what to believe anymore. The person I told (Marley) said that I'm just stressed out because I'm going to be kicked out of my parents house this coming up Saturday and am going to be living out of my car with no where to go and I'm getting desperate trying to just find someone to even talk with and....
I'm on the verge of another panic attack, please forgive me.
I'm on the verge of another panic attack, please forgive me.
No matter what, just smile for them all
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