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So I had to break up with my Daddy Dom / Baby Boy again. I can't do this anymore. Long story, lots of sickness, addiction, etc. The last thing he needs right now is a relationship, and even tho it's killing me to stay away, I have to, for both our sakes.

I was on the phone with his sponsor (a straight cis guy) the other night, and he said "I know what you're losing." After I got off the phone, all I could think was, no you don't. You don't have a clue. See, that guy, however well intentioned, thinks I'm a girl who is losing my boyfriend. The truth is more complex, and gives me very little hope that I will ever find the right person for me.

I don't even know how to describe my identity. I've spent so much time gaslit and confused. But here's me being as honest as I can be:

- I'm Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB), but I don't feel like a girl. Or a boy. At least not all the time.
- I feel like there is more than one of me, and it's not "roleplaying".
- I'm a sex worker, mostly former these days while I recover my health, and it's always been in part a gender identity thing. I love being Daddy's Hot Goddess
- Uh... but I also want to be Daddy's Ultimate Workout Bro
- And sometimes Daddy's little girl
- And sometimes, Big Bro's Little Bro
- And sometimes, The Mama Domme
- And I think sometimes, I want to be Daddy, maybe? At least I'd like to try?

Oh yknow, and plus I'm polyamorous, in every 12-step meeting under the sun, and I have no idea if I'm straight gay or bisexual or something freakin' else. I don't want to do people as property, and I also don't want to do sex addiction masquerading as polyamory - I want, ultimately, committed family. I don't think I care if Daddy is assigned male or female, but I have a preference for Daddy, I know that. But I could never do "Daddy" all the time. I have to switch! I think a 60-40 switch, or 70-30, is ideal for me.

I guess all I'm wondering is, is this really too hard for everyone in the world? Or is it just that I live in a podunk town where no one knows anything?

Is there any hope for me having a partnership, like ever?

This isn't a personal ad. Please, no "call me!" here. I just need some understanding / identification - feel completely unwantable, I just had to break up with someone I really love, and I'm not sure I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for on the face of the earth. And I wonder if there is anyone out there who is anything like me.

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Like I think, honestly, I would do really well with a bisexual man who could see me as / wants me as all that I am. But it would have to be someone secure enough to be out, because I just can't do the closet anymore. And it could be someone who identifies as a woman - but it would have to still be Daddy. I can't do "Mommy" play with anyone except me as Mommy - too much trauma.

I don't know. If feel doomed to singlehood forever. I also am afraid to go anywhere near "queer" community for support, for fear of being kicked out / not actually belonging.

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To some degree, I can relate to what you're going through. For a long time, I didn't think anyone would want me for exactly who I am. I've got all sorts of weird interests and hobbies and it would be hard for most people to be in a relationship with me, both due to how I am as a person and what I want my future to look like. But one thing I feel I've learned since becoming a part of this community is that no matter who you are and no matter what you want/need, there's someone for you. While of course I'm not you so I haven't had your exact thoughts, I've often wondered if I can ever be in a relationship because there always seemed to be something missing. The other person always felt distant somehow, like they didn't like a certain part of me. It was frustrating and upsetting. And from what I can tell, this is common with my friends too, even ones outside the community, so you're definitely not alone on that front.

I can't say too much about your particular brand of "queerness" (sorry if that word is offensive, I don't mean it in the insulting way) since I'm only bisexual myself, but I think even you would fit into the LGBT community, you just have to find your right niche.

I hope everything works out for you! I'm really sorry about what you have to go through right now, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I believe you'll pull through with flying colours. I'm rooting for you! :hugs:

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