Really sad - feeling rejected and like a bad little / whatever I am...
Posted: |January 4th, 2017|, 11:01 am
The man I called Daddy broke it off with me just before Christmas. He was the first person I called that. He broke it off because he couldn't stand that I'm friends with my ex's and he didn't see a future for us because I'm in a band and need to go on tour and stuff. IDK, I don't have "natural" family and some of my ex-lovers, one in particular, are big emotional supports for me (like, basically the only ones that I have), but they are exs... I don't want them, that way. However I do think cutting people who are good friends out of my life because my new boyfriend said so would be cold as hell and sociopathic. I was completely monogamous with my Papa, which is something I don't usually agree to do with lovers, but for him I was willing. It wasn't even hard... aside from an attraction to women, he had what I needed - basically a "mostly top" with a switch side. I feel like I failed, like I am inherently a failure and a thing no one is going to want.
This is breaking my heart.
I dunno. I just feel so rejected. Like, firetruck. I feel like if I was more of a traditional babygirl, hell if I was a more traditional "woman", we'd still be together. He said he couldn't handle me being emotionally intimate with other men... I suspect it was more like "other people", but even if not, I mean, firetruck, dude. I like cars, guitars, motorcycles, I'm a recovering booze-addict and I am serious about my band. Plus my mother abused me horrifically, and there just aren't a lot of women in my life who I'm close to. (Although that's changing, slowly, in recovery and a more queer-accepting part of the country than where I come from orig). I felt like he never trusted me, and that sucks because I'm totally loyal. Being bisexual and having a history of polyamory doesn't mean someone is a cheater.
Before he left he basically said that no "real man" is ever gonna put up with me. I feel like it's a choice between being loved and following my dreams. I know that's a false choice but as a bi switch who is more over on the sub side, but is still very much an Alpha and in the outside world 100% an Alpha, I am afraid maybe he is right and I'll just always be too threatening. Helpfully, a bunch of my dude friends told me afterwards that it would be a "rare person" who would be secure enough to date me. Effing great.
I'm working on myself - gym so I don't want to die, meetings, art, handling my stuff mostly. But I am really really really sad and afraid that for people like me love just isn't real. I still feel a lot of shame about my little side, and fear that anyone who is attracted to my little side is just going to be intimidated by my Alpha, and then shame me for not being a good "little." My experience is that a lot of people who do that are also attracted to my Big part, and then get ashamed of the switch. It's bullshit. I hate this world that made us hate ourselves this way.
TL;DR - I'm really sad, Daddy's gone, I feel like a failure as a little and that no one will ever ever want a kick-booty Alpha AFAB person who is also a serious Little with a fun Switch inside.
This is breaking my heart.
I dunno. I just feel so rejected. Like, firetruck. I feel like if I was more of a traditional babygirl, hell if I was a more traditional "woman", we'd still be together. He said he couldn't handle me being emotionally intimate with other men... I suspect it was more like "other people", but even if not, I mean, firetruck, dude. I like cars, guitars, motorcycles, I'm a recovering booze-addict and I am serious about my band. Plus my mother abused me horrifically, and there just aren't a lot of women in my life who I'm close to. (Although that's changing, slowly, in recovery and a more queer-accepting part of the country than where I come from orig). I felt like he never trusted me, and that sucks because I'm totally loyal. Being bisexual and having a history of polyamory doesn't mean someone is a cheater.
Before he left he basically said that no "real man" is ever gonna put up with me. I feel like it's a choice between being loved and following my dreams. I know that's a false choice but as a bi switch who is more over on the sub side, but is still very much an Alpha and in the outside world 100% an Alpha, I am afraid maybe he is right and I'll just always be too threatening. Helpfully, a bunch of my dude friends told me afterwards that it would be a "rare person" who would be secure enough to date me. Effing great.
I'm working on myself - gym so I don't want to die, meetings, art, handling my stuff mostly. But I am really really really sad and afraid that for people like me love just isn't real. I still feel a lot of shame about my little side, and fear that anyone who is attracted to my little side is just going to be intimidated by my Alpha, and then shame me for not being a good "little." My experience is that a lot of people who do that are also attracted to my Big part, and then get ashamed of the switch. It's bullshit. I hate this world that made us hate ourselves this way.
TL;DR - I'm really sad, Daddy's gone, I feel like a failure as a little and that no one will ever ever want a kick-booty Alpha AFAB person who is also a serious Little with a fun Switch inside.
