[Alpha_baby_swItch]

The man I called Daddy broke it off with me just before Christmas. He was the first person I called that. He broke it off because he couldn't stand that I'm friends with my ex's and he didn't see a future for us because I'm in a band and need to go on tour and stuff. IDK, I don't have "natural" family and some of my ex-lovers, one in particular, are big emotional supports for me (like, basically the only ones that I have), but they are exs... I don't want them, that way. However I do think cutting people who are good friends out of my life because my new boyfriend said so would be cold as hell and sociopathic. I was completely monogamous with my Papa, which is something I don't usually agree to do with lovers, but for him I was willing. It wasn't even hard... aside from an attraction to women, he had what I needed - basically a "mostly top" with a switch side. I feel like I failed, like I am inherently a failure and a thing no one is going to want.

This is breaking my heart.

I dunno. I just feel so rejected. Like, firetruck. I feel like if I was more of a traditional babygirl, hell if I was a more traditional "woman", we'd still be together. He said he couldn't handle me being emotionally intimate with other men... I suspect it was more like "other people", but even if not, I mean, firetruck, dude. I like cars, guitars, motorcycles, I'm a recovering booze-addict and I am serious about my band. Plus my mother abused me horrifically, and there just aren't a lot of women in my life who I'm close to. (Although that's changing, slowly, in recovery and a more queer-accepting part of the country than where I come from orig). I felt like he never trusted me, and that sucks because I'm totally loyal. Being bisexual and having a history of polyamory doesn't mean someone is a cheater.

Before he left he basically said that no "real man" is ever gonna put up with me. I feel like it's a choice between being loved and following my dreams. I know that's a false choice but as a bi switch who is more over on the sub side, but is still very much an Alpha and in the outside world 100% an Alpha, I am afraid maybe he is right and I'll just always be too threatening. Helpfully, a bunch of my dude friends told me afterwards that it would be a "rare person" who would be secure enough to date me. Effing great.

I'm working on myself - gym so I don't want to die, meetings, art, handling my stuff mostly. But I am really really really sad and afraid that for people like me love just isn't real. I still feel a lot of shame about my little side, and fear that anyone who is attracted to my little side is just going to be intimidated by my Alpha, and then shame me for not being a good "little." My experience is that a lot of people who do that are also attracted to my Big part, and then get ashamed of the switch. It's bullshit. I hate this world that made us hate ourselves this way.

TL;DR - I'm really sad, Daddy's gone, I feel like a failure as a little and that no one will ever ever want a kick-booty Alpha AFAB person who is also a serious Little with a fun Switch inside.

[sgtrock]

I think you just haven't found the right person yet, keep your head up!!!!!!


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[Wynterpierox]

Hi I'm a alpha little switch from the USA i had something similar happen to me recently if you need someone to talk to there plenty of people out here that would love to have someone like you

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[Alpha_baby_swItch]

Thank you both so much for replying. I'm glad there are at least two people in the world who don't think it's hopeless or that I'm just a complete freakazoid. And I never thought I would talk to another alpha little switch so that is really awesome.

I mailed him the last of his things today, and finally (after two weeks) rearranged my pillows. I have yet to clean him out of my car but the recycling went out so he's pretty cleared out of my house. I saved a box of things I can't part with and those are going into the attic.

I feel so vulnerable. One thing that helps is, he gave me a journal awhile ago, and now I write to him in it. That probably sounds mental and it probably is, but it helps me feel safer. These are small towns where I'm at, word travels about who's with who in AA, and the wolves are kinda out. I have to go to the meetings so I don't eff up my sobriety, but it is scary without Daddy! (He's also in the rooms, and I'm careful to give him space at the meetings he frequents - so far, we haven't run into each other.) Some of these dudes (and some of the women, too) are scary as hell, and there's a sick part of me that can be attracted to that. When he was with me he'd sit next to me, and he was built so the socios would stay away. Now they are giving me the vulture side-eye sometimes, and... ugh it just makes me want to stay in my house forever. And I know I can't.

Thanks for being here, it's a huge help to me. <3 And nice to meet y'all.

[Wynterpierox]

No problem it's a pleasure to chat a bit n help you out even alittle bit ittle get better

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