- 7 years ago
#25136
Dear Treasure Angel.
I hope what I say makes some sort of sense. As I'm writing this, I'm developing a migraine and finding it really hard to type (and see straight, and not fall off my chair! I'm actually clutching my chair because I feel like I'm gonna fall off.) But... I wanted to respond. Sometimes I see posts and I think "I'll perhaps reply to that later", and sometimes I see posts and think "I need to reply to that now". This one is the latter. I apologise profusely in advance if anything I say seems clumsy.
First off, let me send you massive hugs. Not just from me but from the entire community. I like to think that, in the large part we try to support each other. Lots of very different personalities. Hopefully, if you can't find anybody in real life to talk to, hopefully you can find somebody here. Talking about how you feel is very important.
You're not alone in your feelings. Now, there are lots of people who go through break ups and emotionally and practically they deal with it in very different ways. Some people cope better than others. Some people may hate the other person, some may turn to self destructive behaviour, some may bury themselves in work, some may turn to alcohol or drugs, some may feel like it's not really happening and be in denial. There is a whole spectrum of how people cope. However, there are people who will have gone through similar feelings to you, too. If it's okay, I'd like to share my situation from last year.
Me and my girlfriend split up. We'd been together for just over 5 years. And... she was my first girlfriend. She split up with me. She just said she didn't love me any more. I was devastated, of course. I spent most of my time crying, feeling dark... really dark. Didn't want to exist any more. I couldn't look at her or speak to her without feeling like I would be sick and feeling like the room was spinning and I was going to pass out. My depression was getting worse, I was having dark thoughts. I felt angry and disgusted with myself. Everything just felt like a daydream, like nothing was real. Days were merging together. And I felt worse because I wasn't there to help my ex. I felt like I should be there, doing things. Doing washing, being there for hospital appointments. I then found out that she had been ill a little while after we split up, and I felt horrible for not being there. I felt like such a bad person. I felt bad that she was going through a rough time. I mean, by now she was with somebody else (didn't take her long). But I still felt like I had a duty, that I needed to help. Everything just still felt like a daydream, and like if only I could wake up everything would go back to normal, back to how things were. But I didn't wake up. I hated myself, felt disgusted with myself - for many different reasons. I felt disgusted with myself for the reason we broke up (she said I wasn't giving her enough s*x), I felt angry with myself for not being there after we broke up, I felt like some sub-human, unlovable, disgusting excuse of a person, I felt so mad with myself I would shake. The days all seemed to merge into one horrible mess with no distinct boundaries. Sometimes it would feel like a week would disappear in the blink of an eye. Sometimes 5 minutes would feel like days and days. And to make matters worse, I had nobody to talk to. She had been my best friend too. I lost my entire world.
All that sounds rather depressing. And I know it's not the same as what you've been through. We all have our own unique stories to tell. But... the point I'm attempting to make is... I, as well as many others, can relate to the emotions you are feeling. The mental pain, the upset, time going a bit wibbly-wobbly, the self hate. It is a really difficult time. But it does get easier. It's now a year on from what happened, and I am feeling much better. One of the things that has helped me is being here and talking to people and socialising. Meeting people different to me with their own stories to tell, different personalities. I came here about 6 months after all that happened, when I was feeling ready, and it has helped me. However, right now you're probably not up to giggles and jokes. What you need right now is support and people to talk to. You say nobody around you cares enough to truly see how you feel right now. I really hope that isn't the case and I hope you do have people around you that cares. If people aren't seeing how much you are hurting, perhaps you need to tell them. Failing that, perhaps you can talk to somebody professionally. Or if not that, perhaps talking to somebody here. Have you made any good friends here you can talk to? Perhaps people here can be part of your journey to recovery.
The pain does dissipate and ease up. It may not ever truly go away, but it gets easier to deal with over time. It doesn't feel like it now, I'm sure. It probably feels like this pain will last forever and you can see no end in sight. However, the pain clouds your judgement. It WILL ease up, you WILL start to feel better. You are NOT a bad person, you do NOT deserve the self hate you are giving yourself. Try, try, try to be kind to yourself. You've been through a truly upsetting and undeserved experience. You need TLC, not self loathing. Sometimes, to get help you need to reach out to people. People may not always understand how much hurt is going on inside of us without us telling them. And sometimes... people outside may see we are hurting but aren't sure what to do, they may want to step back in case of making things worse. It doesn't mean they don't care. It just means that sometimes it might need to be you that makes the first move and asks for help. While this may sound really scary, try to reach out to people. Be they people in your life, a professional, or people here. Try and let people in to help you with your journey of recovery.
Good luck with everything. Be kind to yourself. And massive hugs from all of us.
- By princejayjay
- By Yori
- By LilBeth
- By Babe